We have been married for 20 years and have 4 children, S19, D18, twin Ss16. I am 43, he is 54. I am his third wife, he has 3 other children (all grown, 2 with children of their own - 5 grandkids with 1 on the way). This is my 2nd marriage; 1st was brief with no children.
Our marriage has not been paradise for a very long time but I really thought it was "ok" and chalked the lacks up to personality traits. If I were to grade the marriage I'd say C+ or B most of the time.
There have been 3 affairs that I know of. I found out about the 2nd one first. It was after 6 years of marriage and was with a girl who worked for my H. He even had me (stay at home mom) watch her son while... At the time of his confession of the affair he did not apologize and would not commit to being faithful in the future because having the affair just made him feel so good. I felt the kids were better off with an intact family so I sucked it up and stayed despite the anguish in my heart.
I didn't have suspicion of any wrong doing after that affair for many years. H even managed a genuine apology about 2 years after that A, and life went on. Then, a couple of months ago an old gf of H's contacted him through FB. He told me about the contact, and about what she had to say regarding catching up etc. This went on a few days then abruptly she dropped from his conversation. Other intangible "things" set off my radar and when he left his email open at the end of August I started going through it. He had saved dozens of pornographic messages from the old gf. Many that said how they couldn't wait to be together, how leaving her had been a mistake.
I immediately sent her an email demanding she cease and desist and then phoned H at his job to confront him with what I knew. He said talking to her was "closure" for him and the porn was all her doing. There was enough of his own writing in what he had saved that I knew this was not true. (In his writing he also confessed to an A I had not previously known about.) She has blocked him from her FB accounts and I think for now they are not in contact - she lives about 400 miles away.
After the confrontation H expressed desire to find someone to talk to. He doesn't have any friends and doesn't like the idea of professional help so that left him with me. In the interest of saving the marriage I tried to be objective and put aside my own heartache to help him with what he called "baggage". He felt there must be some large and compelling reason for him to be unfaithful because he simply doesn't see himself as "that kind of person".
Imagine my surprise to find out his "baggage" was me. I thought it would have been childhood events or past R and M events but no. Just all me. Doesn't love me and doesn't want a future with me. Can't remember when he did love me. But, doesn't want to break up until the twins turn 18 in 2 more years. Until then he wants to live "together separate".
I don't know exactly how that is supposed to work and his only advice is that I just deal with it. He is very calm and serene, says he feels so much better now that he has his baggage off his chest. I am the opposite in every respect.
My online research has convinced me he is full fledged MLC - and there's a motorcycle in the driveway to prove it. I grasp the GAL and 180 concept but have serious financial obstacles to doing anything. I lost my job in February and H got laid off/fired yesterday - in a large part due to his MLC.
I have managed to quell my tears for the most part and do NOT bring up our R. He has talked to me of himself just a bit lately; the death of his favorite sister (14 years ago, about the time of his first 2 affairs) is weighing heavily on his mind and heart. We haven't had sex in a couple of weeks but he recently reinstated his nightly massages. The kids, especially the older 2, may suspect something but I doubt they have any idea of the severity of what's happening.
I would love to hear from others who have experienced the "together separate" lifestyle.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I am sorry you are going through this. Curious. Have any of his other wives left him?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I'm currently experiencing the "together separate" lifestyle and it stinks. Granted, it's probably not what your H has in mind. It sounds like cake eating on his part if you ask me.
In my sitch, I was the one who had the A - 2 EA's over 3 years. Each came about for different reasons but that's neither here nor there and that's not your question. My H kicked me out but I came back after 3 months because I have 2 little boys and I figured if my H wanted space so badly he could figure something else out.
Currently, I'm sleeping in the den on a sofa bed. We don't share space inside the home. He doesn't eat dinner with us, he doesn't ride in my car nor will he allow me to ride in his. A lot of it is him punishing me. We are not to socialize, although we have been having sex. But then I have to leave again. It's all kind of disrespectful and gross but in the name of "giving him his space" I'm going along with this - for now.
Originally my H insisted on a D but in addition to the fact that we can't afford to D, he's actually had some decent advice along the way, and that is to wait and see before making any decisions. It is very painful at times to be in this house or be at one of the kids' soccer games and have him ignoring me.
Patience, my friend... patience. You'll hear that over and over again.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
I am sorry you are going through this. Curious. Have any of his other wives left him?
AJ
He left his first wife (2 children together) after about 4 years of marriage. His second wife (1 child) left him after about 2 years of marriage. He still pines for W#2. His parents also left him when he was 16 or 17 years old. He apparently was not an easy teen and they moved overseas and left him under the care of one of his sisters. These were some of the issues I expected him to reference as "baggage", instead of it being everything about me.
To RegretfulLA
I am not sure what DB defines as cake eating? I mean, I understand the reference but am not sure what qualifies. If you were an outsider, or even an insider such as our kids I don't think you'd know anything was "wrong" or even different. H was never very affectionate to me - I was the initiator of hand holding, hugs & kisses etc. So now I don't initiate any more. In the first days I made our distance more obvious but was told by H that would defeat the purpose of bothering to stay together at all so unless I wished to expedite actual separation I should attempt to make things appear "normal".
He has gone from avoiding even accidental touch to last night spooning again.
The best way I can make sense of things is that "I've been given notice". My lease is up.
I would very much like to GAL, starting with getting a job. Easier said than done. I was a stay at home mom for 15 years. Never got a degree, so my job choices are rather limited. I worked retail for 5 years but in Feb my position was eliminated. I am on unemployment now and have been trying to get an office type job - or anything that doesn't have stupid retail hours. And now of course H too is unemployed, due directly to his MLC. It would be funny if it wasn't so terrifying.
To WenikiTiki
I have been doing lots and lots of reading and it does help. I will try to find the rules you mentioned.
Thanks to all who responded.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
My wife and I have been in separate bedrooms for 6 months now. Still share meals, household duties and errands though. It’s better than having her move out, and I'm not going anywhere. Less expensive and better chance to reconcile, IMO. But then we aren’t fighting either, she just prefers to ignore me and do her own thing.
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I don't know exactly how that is supposed to work and his only advice is that I just deal with it. He is very calm and serene, says he feels so much better now that he has his baggage off his chest. I am the opposite in every respect.
Maybe sit down with him and set up some rules on how it will work. Don’t be afraid to set expectations, requirements and/or boundaries. You do have a say in this.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of link
The link for the resources:http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Board=28&Number=1539436&Searchpage=1&Main=39525&Words=+Smurf_SMR&topic=0&Search=true#Post1539436
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Print a couple copies out. Put one in your purse, fold one up and use it for a bookmark, put one in your bra if you have to. Read it when you want to deviate. Come here and vent when you want to deviate. It will make you feel better.
I have learned so much from this board. Take care of yourself!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Cake eating= you are the "baggage" and the problem, yet he is kind of holding you hostage to make everything appear "normal" - and still has an expectation of nightly massages. Doesn't sound too fair to you. He gets to exert his will and also expects you will go along with it. Is that right?
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
