About to separate....

[MrBond]

Don't make promises you can't keep. Just apologize sincerely and then move on. She has to be able to trust you and there's no trusting a person who is going to go nuts at the drop of a hat.

[dorightman]

Your right Mr.Bond, and this is at the core of her issues with me. Trust. I had a conversation with her this morning and told her how sorry I was, and that I acted wrong. She said she could have had me forcibly removed for that. I thanked her for not doing that. She is going to be hosting a baby shower on Sat and having her girlfriend's family from out of town come over on Sunday and she asked me if I could go away for the weekend to give her space to host all of that. I feel like I should, considering what I put her through recently. She has agreed to go to counseling tomorrow with me, but said she only wants to talk about the R in counseling. Do you think I should go away this weekend?

[AnotherStander]

Major Backslide. After having lunch with my very recently divorced friend, he told me to deal with reality, which is that I'am living separate with my w in our house and that I need to move out and GAL.

DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!! That's bad advice. If you want to save the M then you should force W to make the tough decisions and live with the consequences.

I had this conversation with her on the phone last night and regressed back to all the old stuff, I don't deserve this, I'm a good man, I love you, you're making the wrong decision, blah,blah,blah.... I'am a wreck. I don't know how I'm going to recover from this, I feel like it's really over now.

You're driving her away. You're applying pressure on her instead of giving her space. You're reminding her why she wants out.

I can't for the life of me understand how she can hold onto so much anger and resentment from the past, I feel like she's projecting some other issues onto me that I have nothing to do with.

Welcome to the WAS club. None of us understand it, but that's what DB'ing is all about- control the one thing you can do something about- YOURSELF. Don't try to understand the WAS, they don't even understand their own actions. They are confused and in turmoil inside even if they're acting calm and collected on the outside.

It is beyond me that she would rather run,break up our family with two young innocent kids and everything we worked for in our lives instead of fighting for what we have and trying to work through our problems. Our problems are textbook stuff. I feel lost...

If your problems are so easily fixed, what have you done to fix them? What 180's are you engaged in? You're not participating in "more of the same" behavior are you?

I cried for an hour and wrote down all my thoughts on pieces of paper

Good, it's great to write that out and get it out of your system. Then you burned it, dried your eyes and put on a positive attitude in time for her to get home, right?

She came home, saw my face with tears and said, " I can't do this right now, I threw the papers at her and said"read these!.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

She went up to the bedroom to take a shower, I followed her up and said I want to see you read them.

I feel like I'm watching a trainwreck in slow motion.

She read them , threw them in the garbage and said she couldn't do this right now because she had to get the kids ready for school. I lost it and yelled at her,"Make a decision, either tell me you want out and you want a D, or tell me you want to work on our problems together .

It's like a loaded passenger train barreling down the tracks a thousand miles an hour and the bridge ahead is completely gone.

She was crying and she said OK, I want out!. I lost it and threw my coffee cup down at the floor and it broke in a million pieces. Then I threw my glasses at the wall.

And it flies off the rails right into the abyss, people screaming their heads off all the way down.

She was freaked out and was scared of me. I felt bad and tried to console her but she said don't touch me. I said ok, I'm done and went to another room to cry some more.

KABOOM! There's a huge explosion, smoke and fire rising from the abyss.

Any or all advice much appreciated!

Read DR. Stop doing what you're doing. Be ready for a long haul ahead, it'll take months for you to undo the damage you've done in days. Do 180's on your faults and stick with them. Make them permanent. Show your W a different you- a happy, confident, exhuberant, sexy, good-looking you. Give her space and give her time. Read the DB 180 tips daily, copy them to a file on your computer and read them over and over again to remind yourself what to do and not do. Good luck!

[dorightman]

Thanks AnotherStander, I will take your advice.

[dorightman]

If I don't move out, she says she will take the kids and move out. Should I be ok with this?

[mamabird]

Of course you shouldn't be ok with it, but DON'T MOVE OUT!!!!! Do you think she could be bluffing? My H threatened to do the same, but he's still here. Granted, we are not exactly living in paradise, but he hasn't moved out.

If she does move out, you still have the right to see your kids. You can get a separation agreement if you need to. I am not a lawyer but there may be some legal issues not in her favor if she tries to take the kids. You should probably consult a divorce attorney if you can at this point, just to get the lay of the land.

At this point, you gotta let her go, as hard as that seems. What you're doing is only going to push her away further.

She is going to threaten you up and down and sideways... be prepared.

[AnotherStander]

If I don't move out, she says she will take the kids and move out. Should I be ok with this?

I totally agree with RegretfulLA. You might want to read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough, it dovetails with DB in that he says if the spouse threatens to leave then you support them. Validate their emotions- say that you understand why they feel that way and you support their decision to leave. Often the WAS feels trapped and caged, and when the cage door is thrown open they're suddenly not to sure they want to walk out.

As RegretfulLA said, do not leave yourself. Your W needs to make the tough decisions and she needs to live with the inconvenience and ramifications of those decisions.

You should negotiate visitation with the kids, it's not fair of her to threaten to just take them away without working it out with you. Things have to be negotiated in a separation and it should be done as amicably as possible.

Separation is not the end of the M. It may be a needed step towards reconciliation.

[dorightman]

Thanks Stander and Regretful, I hear what you're saying, but I have this feeling that if I don't move out and she is forced to move out with the kids, she will resent me for it because she will blame me for not moving out which forces her to uproot the kids. The kids are our #1 priority in all of this, so i feel guilty not being the one to move. If I moved out, it would have less impact on the kids.

[AnotherStander]

Thanks Stander and Regretful, I hear what you're saying, but I have this feeling that if I don't move out and she is forced to move out with the kids, she will resent me for it because she will blame me for not moving out which forces her to uproot the kids. The kids are our #1 priority in all of this, so i feel guilty not being the one to move. If I moved out, it would have less impact on the kids.

Who's forcing her to move? Not you. You want her to stay, right? Moving is her decision.

There's always a way to work through the logistics. In my case neither of us wanted to move the kids to another school, so their address is my address. We have 50-50 visitation (weekly intervals). Even when they're with me, W comes over to my house each morning and gets them off to school (I leave for work early). Even when she has them I pick them up each afternoon and bring them to my house, then W picks them up on her way home. This was all resolved before W moved. These are tough conversations to have, but it's got to be done if you don't want it all to blow up in your face.

It sounds to me like you're trying to justify your moving out. If SHE need space, why would YOU move out?

[dorightman]

I'm not trying to justify moving out, I'm feeling guilt for disrupting my children's lives.