Interesting (albeit minor) developments yesterday. First, when I had the kids two weeks ago W did not call them the whole time I had them as far as I know. She does come to my house and get them ready to go in the mornings, so I didn't think anything of it since she sees them nearly every day. So I was a little surprised when she called to talk to them Monday night at about 9 pm, I figured she'd be out partying since she had just turned them over to me Sunday. Then yesterday (Tuesday) I got a text from her about a half hour before I left work and she said she had offered to help D15 with a homework project and offered to show S9 the puppy, so she asked if she could come by. I called her about 45 minutes later on the way home and told her I had already made plans to help D15 with her project as soon as I picked her up from school and we'd probably be finished by the time she could get over there (she works a lot later than me), and that we had plans to go to dinner and get ice cream afterwards, but she was welcome to come over and visit and join us if she wanted. She said she'd love to. Well the project took longer than we expected so we had to scrap the plans to dine out. W did come by but had a screaming headache which she thinks is due to the puppy keeping her up all night. She hung out with us around 2 hours. But it just struck me odd that W wanted this new life of freedom, and now that she has her own place and no kids (and no H) this week, instead of taking advantage of it she wants to come over and visit? Interesting. Also her emails to me lately have been very business-like, no "have a good day!" comments like I used to get. Then yesterday I get one from her with that very line at the end. Very small thing to be sure, but it was actually on my baby step list so I'll take it
Originally Posted By: Wendylon
I want to second MKB's praise. You give wonderful, clear and helpful feedback. You are such a fast learner: you sound like a vet despite how relatively new you are at this.
Thank you very much from me too for all your support!
Thank you so much, I can't tell you how good it feels to hear this, it really warms my heart It's so nice to see rays of sunshine like this in these dark times!
Originally Posted By: Wendylon
I can see why you'd find that very upsetting. I suspect though that many WASs say those words about wanting time alone with no dating without really meaning it. My H said the same things when he moved out in 2004. I think it was a way of easing himself out of the house. I'm intrigued to know whether a PA would be a deal breaker for you.
I think you're right about that. It's also possible that she did mean it at the time, but changed her mind once she was moved out. And it's also possible she really doesn't want to date and I'm just jumping to conclusions. I can't decide yet if a PA would be a deal breaker, I think I'm going to have to mull that one over a while. I honestly don't know if she even has an EA going on, they may just be friends. The more I thought about it, the more I decided I was really jumping to conclusions based on just that one trip he went on with them to get the pup. The guy has done a lot of stuff with us, he's had Christmas with us, Thanksgiving, he's gone to our kids' performances, he's taken S9 to baseball games and to play golf (just the two of them). He seems pretty honorable. I think I mentioned before that W has shown some suspicious interest in him recently, but it doesn't look like he's reciprocating (long story). Anyway, for now I'm just holding course and not worrying about it. If something more develops then I'll deal with it when it happens.
Originally Posted By: Wendylon
Your W doesn't sound as if she's v skilled at dealing with your D15. That sort of comment (whatever it would be about) would really annoy my D15. I think that any D15 would feel patronised and fobbed off.
That is indeed exactly how she felt! W just has poor communication skills in general, even something as simple as giving driving directions is a challenge for her. The lack of communication has been a big problem throughout our marriage, it's been a one way street with me communicating my needs, desires and concerns to her and her keeping hers all bottled up inside. Looking back it's something we should have sought counseling for, I thought it was something we were working around but now I see it as the root of our M problems.
Originally Posted By: Wendylon
Do I ever wish I could turn that switch off too! I'm worried though that if I didn't have that focus on H, it might mean that I'd become the WAS. The whole thing seems like such a fine balancing act.
That's true, I think this is why so many M's these days end in D. Because NEITHER spouse wants to put in any effort, so if one says they're done then the other says "great, where do I sign?" No one has patience these days, even when it comes to their M. Some are ready to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. Others say they're going to stand, but a few days or weeks into it they decide it's not worth it. Few are willing to go the distance. I mean think of all the troubled marriages out there in the world right now, tens of thousands? Hundreds of thousands? And how many active participants do we have here? A hundred? So a miniscule fraction of people in troubled marriages even bother to sign up on a free forum looking for help (I know there are other forums out there, but very few that have the pro-marriage focus this one has). That's the world we live in!
