Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[25yearsmlc]

I concur.---Sh!t, look at Mrs D, she’s fighting for her marriage and she’s divorced, there's ALWAYS HOPE.

Good for her!

fwiw, my sep (not "our problems", but an actual geographic SEP of 3000 miles) was 2 years...and we r together AND I have 2 family members who divorced and later remarried their former spouses. So It happens.

While apart, they each grew and evolved and their 2nd m's were better, btw.



Each sitch is different and yes, for some it's just a piece of paper, I get that alright.

Personally speaking, I am fighting for my marriage right NOW. W might not know it but I am putting all my blood, sweat and tears into it. I gotta great heart and I know I am a good catch.

I can’t predict the future but if I get divorced, chances are good that I am done! I have to consistently remind myself that I am not in a rush right now. My reasoning is that if we get divorced I don’t feel I will be a “free agent” for long.

can you explain ^^^this?

Esp the last line about not being a "free agent" for long.

Do you feel the need to be partnered quickly?

If so, why? Dig deep b/c co-dependence does not bring out the best in us.

My fil is on his 4th m. I can honestly say he's happier now, and HE SAYS he is, but it took decades of lousy marriages and divorces that were mostly his fault. He met his present wife 20 years ago at the age of 61. Not til then, did he learn to treat a woman well enough.

Til he humbled himself and really dug deep, he did not change. THEN he met the love of his life, a widow who had lost a h she dearly loved after 37 years of marriage. HE stepped up to the plate, finally.

She is very good for my FIL b/c she's calm and NOT wacky or snarky or angry.

She has taught him a lot about love (she is like an iron fist in a velvet glove b/c he needs a woman who will stand up to him but not in a mean way, just firm)

Do you want to be 61 before you get it right? God I wouldn't.

anyhow, learn what you can and don't rush into any new R fast. It'll be a spiral downward if the next r fails too

and it has a higher chance of that, statistically. Why do you think 80% of 2nd marriages end in divorce?

IMO it's b/c the first divorce was fled by the aggrieved party, instead of processed and examined AND justified by the departing party, instead of processed and evaluated fairly. Both parties were in pain and GOT AWAY and then they hook up again only to "find" that happiness eludes them still.

They still don't get that they are in charge of THEIR lives and only theirs...

If nothing else comes of this "ORDEAL" then at least let some growth and peace come...THEN date.

But I'd be a free agent a LONG time before I risked my heart again....and who wants a r in which we don't risk our hearts?

So walling ourselves off is no solution. But evolving into the best people WE can become

is a good idea no matter what.

It also happens to show change on our end and that is the single biggest thing we can do to reconcile, --- change US.

Make sense?