"I have been thinking about yesterday... thinking about my attitude...thinking about our interactions. I'm sorry if I hurt you. It was not my intent at all. I don't want it to come out that way. I think the best thing we can do moving forward is to make an agreement to not bring up the past. It's so hurtful for both of us. Whaddya think?"
I am digesting it... a) Part of me would like to ask to expand on his thoughts about what happened yesterday and our interactions in general. At this point in our R I am completely clueless of what he could be thinking that prompted him to apologize.
Does not matter. LET GO OF THE PAST b/c there is no use in reviewing it. You will never agree to how it was, exactly. I don't think any two people agree on their emotional past in detail. Not when there is pain.
People who witness car accidents cannot agree on what they saw, and they are not emotionally invested in it like you two are invested in who did what to whom.
Of course he wants to tell you he's happy now b/c it validates his choice.
DO NOT ARGUE WITH THAT b/c you force him to defend and cement that choice, again. Needless to say he does NOT want to believe you've changed bc that does not fit his narrative.
So don't bother arguing your point with HIM...let others do it for you as they notice the changes in you, including and esp your children. Meanwhile try hard to NOT care if he sees the new you b/c if the new you is real
that is all that matters. It's reality.
Go "from this day forward" or you'll keep being filled with regret and shame and let's all agree to say "screw that" now.
Agree to "stay in the present, going from this day forward" b/c this really is a solution based approach.
We can't fix your childhood or his, or the varying perceptions of what happened & when.
heck there are events my h FORGOT ever happened, and I don't think he's lying.
So there's really no point in me convincing him 1) it happened in the past AND 2) that I was hurt AND 3) that he caused it, is there?
b) Part of me would like to say that I don't want to just brush everything off like nothing matters because then we will never improve our R, even if just for co-parenting our kids. And that I feel he just wants to run away or avoid our issues, like in the past (like when he left).
I disagree. I think He wants to get along better. I think he does not believe you two can do that, when all you both do is revisit the painful past. So far he;s right for the most part. Both of you have shame about choices made, and both have forgiving to do.
Start creating peace by not piling on with words such as "always" and "never" b/c no one can compete with "never having done X" or "always doing Y"...Another tip from my DB coach was to
Not ask questions beginning with phrases such as "How can you?....??" OR "Why did you....?" b/c they are inherently designed to create defensiveness in the respondent. (e.g., "How can you do this? Why did you ruin our m?" ETC)
Instead, Stay in the moment of whatever dispute arises without going into the past.
It's a pile on with no solution, if you bring up the past to solve a present day problem.
Why not begin with letting go of the past?
c) And part of me would just like to reply with one word: "Sure."
Any thoughts or comments are welcome and appreciated.
See above!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
