Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[Zoo]

I am sitting here crying and I don't know what to do.

I was cleaning...didn't even think about what I was doing and I saw my anniversary gift under the bed...

I HATE IT!

I already have something just like it only smaller and I keep it stuck in the back of a cabinet because it annoys me and gets in the way.

I am SO HURT right now that I don't know what to do.

H told me that he THOUGHT about the gift for all of 5 minutes before he ordered it...and it shows I thought he meant he spent all of 5 min. thinking about the items on my list and just went with one of them

I KNOW it is suppose to be the thought that counts but what if there is no real thought in it?? WHat do you do when faced with that? I guess he wasn't kidding when he told me tonight that when he says something "it is what it is and nothing more"

I don't know what horrifies me more...the idea that he gave NO thought to what he got me or that I gave TOO much thought to what I was going to get him.

That is petty and shallow and I want to through up because I even feel that way.

I was going to bite the bullet and set aside my thrifty ways. I was going to set the dollar signs aside and the resentment I had of knowing that H WASN'T going to get me a new wedding ring. I was going to get the watch that I almost got him for X-mas but talked myself out of. A watch that costs way too much money but that I know he has wanted for several years now.

A watch that he made sure there was just enough balance left on the credit card for me to get.

I can't do it!! There is no way that I could get him that watch now and know that I would have to LIE and totally DISSEMBLE about my own gift.

Just the thought of what would have happened if I had unrwapped his gift, not knowing what it was and seeing what it IS...knowing what I got him....

I would've thrown it at him.

I would have thrown it at him and asked him WTF? I would've DEMANDED to know where he EVER got the idea that I wanted something like that, it wasn't on my list and WHERE the he!! was I going to put it at considering our discussion regarding a similar item that I had no space for??

I don't know HOW I am going to stop myself from doing that now!

We even talked about the whole gift thing, in depth and I thought clearly. It took a lot for me to do that...to be that open and honest about something I have never dealt well with.

I can't reconcile myself to it, not when H has already told me there was no thought involved. Not when he meant that LITERALLY

If you want to call me selfish, petty and shallow go ahead, I'll agree with you...it doesn't stop me from feeling totally devastated and hurt totally to the core of my being. It doesn't stop me from feeling like my heart just shattered into a million pieces. It doesn't stop me from crying incredualous tears of remorse and pain.

Did I set myself up for this...probably, despite my trying desperately not to. Why didn't he just stick to the easy, normal stufff like flowers, candy and teddy bears? He made such a POINT of wanting to know what I wanted?

It is just getting to be too much. I was just coming to terms with the idea that he DECIDED that rather then take a vacation day for our Anniversary he was going to use it for his BIRTHDAY. It is too much selfishness anymore and I just can't keep rolling over in the face of it.

Do you understand this...

I ASKED for something that cost about $100.00 but had more emotional value then I could adequately describe behind the thought and the giving. I was told NO for the simple reason that H couldn't JUSTIFY spending that much on a bauble of jewelry

YET

H made a point of letting me know that there was plenty of money left on the card tonight IF I decided to get him the $1250.00 watch that he desires so much. He told me HOW I would have to go about special ordering it and gave me the part number. He showed me EXACTLY what watch it was that he wanted on the internet last night.

HE EXPECTS TO GET THIS WATCH!!

And I have enabled him to get what he EXPECTS

I feel almost as though there is a price tag on his love?

SOmebody...anybody...help me please!!!

Help me see reason. Help me set the pain aside...help me not to get angry and brain him with his "thoughlessness".

Zoo