Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[Zoo]

THANk GOd I got my head ou of my butt for a little while anyway
Hugz,
Zoo

Hmm..seems like something you might tell me to do on a regular basis!

Glad your V-day went well. Your poem was beautiful!!

Hope you are doing well and enjoying this gorgous weather!!

---

Hi Booby

Yes, it is something I would say to you...LOL Never said I was perfect now did I??

I'm in a funny place right now. Haven't really had much to post to my own thread. Things have been going OK for the most part, small postives but nothing really out of the ordinary.

The thing is...I feel totally detatched right now??
I don't know why, there isn't any real reason for me to detatch from my R/M, but it is like I really don't give a crap what H is thinking/doing right now.

I haven't been turning my IM on until it gets close to the time for H to say he is coming home for supper. When he does IM I make NO effort toward conversation, I just say "ok" a lot.

When he comes home from work at night I pretty much go about doing my own thing or just sit on the couch and say nothing to him. I don't touch him unless he asks me to.

I think H is starting to freak 'cause he keeps asking me what is wrong? I don't know what is wrong, so my pat answer is "nothing". He HAS started being more affectionate again though Last night he rubbed MY back until we fell asleep !

I'm kinda worried about my actions/reactions though. They aren't "typically me". I know that I am thinking very resentfully lately and my tone of voice has taken on an exasperated edge. Instead of asking H when/what/where etc, I am TELLING him. I think I have been vocalizing my displeasure about some things a lot more lately too.

I know I did that last night Told H ILY right before going to sleep which is the one time I limit myself to saying it first. His response back was just a plain ILY...it was empty of any endearment or emotion or anything. I just turned to him and said "I HATE when you do that". He asked me what and I said "I hate when you say ILY like that, no emotion, no real feeling to it. It falls flat and sounds like you are just saying it as an automatic response or just because I said it." H was like "I DO love you though hon!?" I then pointed out "do you even realize that we hardly tell each other that anymore?" H said "WE say it ALL the time!?" I told him "NO, it gets said when you go to work and right before we go to sleep...anytime in between is a RARITY". He got pissy then " I didn't realize there was a quota". I told him there wasn't one.

The whole thing seems stupid in retrospect. I don't even care that I pushed it the way I did.

I'm starting to feel EXTREMELY independent too. Beyond the norm of what I usually feel.

i don't know, not even sure what it is i am trying to point out here...rambling mostly I guess.

Hugz,
Zoo

[Zoo]

I am sitting here crying and I don't know what to do.

I was cleaning...didn't even think about what I was doing and I saw my anniversary gift under the bed...

I HATE IT!

I already have something just like it only smaller and I keep it stuck in the back of a cabinet because it annoys me and gets in the way.

I am SO HURT right now that I don't know what to do.

H told me that he THOUGHT about the gift for all of 5 minutes before he ordered it...and it shows I thought he meant he spent all of 5 min. thinking about the items on my list and just went with one of them

I KNOW it is suppose to be the thought that counts but what if there is no real thought in it?? WHat do you do when faced with that? I guess he wasn't kidding when he told me tonight that when he says something "it is what it is and nothing more"

I don't know what horrifies me more...the idea that he gave NO thought to what he got me or that I gave TOO much thought to what I was going to get him.

That is petty and shallow and I want to through up because I even feel that way.

I was going to bite the bullet and set aside my thrifty ways. I was going to set the dollar signs aside and the resentment I had of knowing that H WASN'T going to get me a new wedding ring. I was going to get the watch that I almost got him for X-mas but talked myself out of. A watch that costs way too much money but that I know he has wanted for several years now.

A watch that he made sure there was just enough balance left on the credit card for me to get.

I can't do it!! There is no way that I could get him that watch now and know that I would have to LIE and totally DISSEMBLE about my own gift.

Just the thought of what would have happened if I had unrwapped his gift, not knowing what it was and seeing what it IS...knowing what I got him....

I would've thrown it at him.

I would have thrown it at him and asked him WTF? I would've DEMANDED to know where he EVER got the idea that I wanted something like that, it wasn't on my list and WHERE the he!! was I going to put it at considering our discussion regarding a similar item that I had no space for??

I don't know HOW I am going to stop myself from doing that now!

We even talked about the whole gift thing, in depth and I thought clearly. It took a lot for me to do that...to be that open and honest about something I have never dealt well with.

I can't reconcile myself to it, not when H has already told me there was no thought involved. Not when he meant that LITERALLY

If you want to call me selfish, petty and shallow go ahead, I'll agree with you...it doesn't stop me from feeling totally devastated and hurt totally to the core of my being. It doesn't stop me from feeling like my heart just shattered into a million pieces. It doesn't stop me from crying incredualous tears of remorse and pain.

Did I set myself up for this...probably, despite my trying desperately not to. Why didn't he just stick to the easy, normal stufff like flowers, candy and teddy bears? He made such a POINT of wanting to know what I wanted?

It is just getting to be too much. I was just coming to terms with the idea that he DECIDED that rather then take a vacation day for our Anniversary he was going to use it for his BIRTHDAY. It is too much selfishness anymore and I just can't keep rolling over in the face of it.

Do you understand this...

I ASKED for something that cost about $100.00 but had more emotional value then I could adequately describe behind the thought and the giving. I was told NO for the simple reason that H couldn't JUSTIFY spending that much on a bauble of jewelry

YET

H made a point of letting me know that there was plenty of money left on the card tonight IF I decided to get him the $1250.00 watch that he desires so much. He told me HOW I would have to go about special ordering it and gave me the part number. He showed me EXACTLY what watch it was that he wanted on the internet last night.

HE EXPECTS TO GET THIS WATCH!!

And I have enabled him to get what he EXPECTS

I feel almost as though there is a price tag on his love?

SOmebody...anybody...help me please!!!

Help me see reason. Help me set the pain aside...help me not to get angry and brain him with his "thoughlessness".

Zoo

[shinybear]

Hey Zoo!

You H is being a complete goober here!! Like you needed ME to tell you that!

So he asked for a list from you and then went ahead and bought some thoughtless piece of crap anyway?

Friggin OUCH!!!

And he quibbled over a $100 bauble for you and had the gall to mention there was enough money for his watch worth 12X that amount????

What a conundrum...I know all about gift disappointment.

In fact this V day I couldn't work up the will to buy CJ ANYTHING...as I was ready for my usual disappointment.

He did come through with small gift, and I didn't apologize nor say anything about my own lack of a gift...I got him a card, that's all.

Had he ASKED...I probably would have told him that his lack of gift giving to me (despite the fact that this is one of my LL's) led me to believe that this was not an important LL for him, and that frankly I did't want to be disappointed by going overboard and getting little or nothing in return.

My tendancy would be to NOT get him that watch...if $100 is too much to spend on you, then even $100 is too much to spend on him.

Not the most kind, gracious or pro-DB sentiment perhaps, but JMHO.

Shiny

P.S. For my 38th birthday CJ bought me the most HORRIFIC wooden/painted ugly looking cat sculpture thing with painted eyes and wires hanging off of it...OMG!! The man KNOWS I collect pins...even a $10 one would have been better than THAT piece of unsentimental crap!

[talitsa]

$#@%$*&(*&^!!!!
Sorry, that was just me cussing out Zoo's goober!

Ya know, my sarcastic streak would want to get him a piece of crap watch for him (maybe one with Micky Mouse on it) to give him for your annaversary. Having unreasonable expectations...then being dissappointed because they are not met...that is just a cheeseless tunne. Asking for a list of what you want...vetoing what you want most (and I assume the sentimental value of a new ring was a symbol of a new start)
then buying you something he admits he put no thought into--something you would likely NOT LIKE...

I have to agree with Shiny here...that is just lame.

[psluke]

Oh Zoo,

I don't know what to say.

{{{{{{{{{{{Zoo}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Livnlearn]

Zoo

I DO know what to say...

STOP!

Could you be jumping to conclusions, by any small chance?

If you already have a bigger version of the item but no space for it, could he be thinking you'd appreciate a smaller one?

Is anyone else's birthday also around the corner, that he could be giving it to?

Could this be something he bought much earlier and now wasn't planning to give you in the light of your list? That is, it was hidden under the bed for that reason?

Could he be planning on two gifts, a big one and a small one? If he had bought you the ring, would he hide it under the bed?

Could he be saying it took him so little time to decide, in order to throw you off the scent?

On the other hand, if he knows which ring you want then it wouldn't take much time to decide, would it?

Have you gone through the five LLs with him, and have you openly discussed this issue with him? About what your LLs are?

Is there any other explanation for what you THINK has happened? Has he NEVER shown you consideration and thoughtfulness? Can he REALLY be such a bonehead?

Just some alternatives to work on...

Livnlearn

[NoLongerHere]

Hey Zoo -

I have in the past found myself in the role of "dumbfounded male" when it has come to gift-giving. I can see now what a big source of unspoken resentment this can be.

My W and I have both caught on to this now, and the biggest cure for this is communication.

I don't think anyone would think bad things about you for your reaction (as you implied) - this isn't about being materialistc, this is about feeling loved. And you're allowed to tell him the things that are important to you, that make you feel loved - remember, one of Michele's steps is ask for what you want.

Is "gifts" one of your love languages? I'm guessing so. It's one of my wife's. It's not really one of mine, so I had to figure this out.

It seems that in our relationships, we somehow fall into this trap where we expect our spouses to spontainously come up with the right ways to love us, and we feel hesistant or embarrassed to tell them what that might be. I don't know why, but it seems to be really common. We tend to set each other up for failure and become resentful.

Anyway, my point is: we're allowed to tell them!! My two cents is, tell your H now what this means to you. Whether or not you tell him that you found the gift, let him know now that it's important to you that he puts thought into this. Tell him that this is how he can make you feel loved, and he's got to own this, this is a way for him to take care of your relationship. Tell him you're afraid of becoming resentful. You've got to talk to him about it, Zoo!

{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hang in there - chat with you later -

- Bill

[Zoo]

Hey All,

Ok, here is how it went...

We got home from shopping today and H squirreled himself off in the bedroom to put my gift together. I acted oblivious to everything the whole time. I left the kitchen to do some other stuff and H went in and set it up in the ONLY spot it will fit.

I was nice. I was appreciative. I was a GOOD Db'er

I suppose it is my own fault...I had put one of those temp contolled electric wine cellar on my list BUT I made perfectly clear to H that I wanted no appliances What he got me was a wrought iron style 12 bottle wine rack and 3 more bottles of wine to put in it. He also took me out to dinner and has been telling me ILY all day long (spontaneously) and in a really good mood.

I couldn't spoil that.

He said he had forgotten about the smaller 3 bottle rack he had gotten me several years ago. I asked him WHY he had decided on this particular rack...he said because he really liked it and thought it was pretty.

I feel like a thoughtless ass now

I told him I did not get him anything. I told him I could not get him what he wanted because it would double the credit card payment. He said he realized that and told me not to worry about it. I also told him that I had hoped he would be willing to accept a LESS EXPENSIVE watch but he had made it clear to me that it was the OMEGA he wanted and nothing else would do... that I felt bad that I couldn't get him the one he desired but it just wasn't going to happen.

I feel bad and i feel good

I don't know

Hugz,
Zoo

[Livnlearn]

So Zoo

Have you gone through the five LLs thingy with your H?

While I am not totally convinced that we each have only ONE major language - I think we need all, but in different ways and with different nuances - I think it is true that what WE think is being loving and giving CAN be totally NOT what our spouse wants or appreciates!

For example, I personally heartily dislike Hallmark style cutesy cards, but I have a friend who loves them, so when I give her a card I choose that kind, much as it pains me to spend good money on such "rubbish"!!

When giving a gift, in the end it is more important, if you want to convey loving and caring, to get what pleases the receiver, not the giver.

I'm afraid the opposite example is my sis, who has VERY strong ideas about what people OUGHT to appreciate, and she goes to endless trouble over gifts that SHE thinks are great, but often misfire with the recipient. Then there's hell to pay, with resentment and fury on the part of my sis.

I have learned to LISTEN to what people say they want and DON'T WANT on the gift giving/receiving front.

Inappropriate gifts, inappropriate timing etc, can be like a burden, a curse, an embarassment to the recipient. So THINK before you give!

Livnlearn

PS Sorry this came out sounding like a lecture!!

[imalright]

Zoo,
That is why H and I didn't do gifts, someone always is unhappy or let down.
For Christmas I did buy him some things. Something he said he wanted while we were shopping and a few things he use to like. I haven't seen him wear anything I bought him. So now I feel like I wasted my money and he didn't like what I bought him.

Then I read that I wasn't suppose to give him gifts right now...I had bought him a gift for his birthday and when i mentioned it to him he seemed annoyed that I bought him something. So I didn't give it to him. I still have it and figured someday maybe I could give it to him or just keep it myself.

Maybe it is a kind word or act that works better than anything. Gifts are NOT my H's or my love language!

As for talking about gardens and poultry; maybe we could do that in Just for Fun. Or e-mail me at [e-mail]

Deb