25, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to stop in and offer me your thoughts on our situation. It truly means a lot to me when someone with your experience and expertise reaches out to help me.

Her mom's death forced my wife to face her own mortality, and brought up issues from her childhood that she is now struggling with. I couldn't see this coming, and as much as I wish I could, I can't fix it for her. She must work through these issues herself. Much of her recent behavior matches up to the classic signs of a MLC. Like it or not, it is what it is.

Please don't think I'm using the MLC label while not bothering to work on myself. Maybe I wasn't clear in my posts, but I do consider working on myself to be of the utmost importance. Some of the things I have done over the last 6 months. (even when I didn't always feel like it)

Read nearly a dozen marriage, or self improvement books. Was actually even reading one called "How To Live" prior to the bomb drop.
Have been active with the Save the Marriage coaching program since week one, which like DB, has LBS's concentrate on working on themselves.
Took two online courses through the local community college: Interpersonal Communication, and Get Assertive.
Worked on eliminating negative personal behaviors and replacing them with positive ones.
Started doing more with friends.
Did more projects around the house, stayed busy.
Worked with an advisor to get my retirement investments in order.
Took a vacation on my own.

Re: Vacations- My W works for a large tour operator. She gets packages to sunny resort destinations that are all inclusive for next to nothing. We have often joked that because everything is included, it costs us more money to stay home. Because of this, our vacations usually go this route, and she's the one who gets the specials list, and is the only one who can book the trip. We have done a few road trips, but it seems unlikely she would want to go on one with me now if I planned it. This is why I recently did an out of town two night trip on my own.

Re: LL- Yes, in hindsight knowing her LL's earlier would have been great. Like most people, I was not even aware of the concept of LL. I'd venture to say that most people aren't. Those who are familiar with them probably learned about 'em after hitting a rocky patch of their own, just like I did. I refuse to beat myself up for this 'failure'. I was always a loving and committed H and did my best at the time. I also consider it highly likely that these LL were being spoken adequately, or we never could have made 30+ good years together. I know I'm not perfect, but I must have done something right to make it this far. People change, and perceptions change too. And let's not forget that pesky re-writting of history thing.

Making positive changes from here forward is all I can do now.

Re: Her happiness level or misery level or her activities are NOT an index of yours or relevant to yours.
Easier said than done. After 30+ years of being "as one", this is a hard one to shake. While I know I've come a long way, I still have a long way to go. Besides, my real fear is that she will find a new partner while out having fun. Anybody have any tips on dealing with this?

I have come to accept that she may be gone for good... and that I'll be ok. But this acceptance does seem to wax and wane. Sometimes thinking of being on my own doesn't bother me at all, other times it tears me up. The torn up periods are shorter and less often than they were though. Anybody have any tips?

Re: Kids. I have nothing against kids, I love 'em. My wife and I just decided early on that we didn't want to sign up for that responsibility. At family get togethers I'm known as the "fun uncle" because I play and roughhouse with all the kids. Fostering was never on my list, but being a big brother was. Maybe now I will finally act on it.

Based on my analysis, and things she has said, these are the big issues I need to work on:

Not being attentive enough to her needs. Not knowing that she was unhappy and falling out of love.
Not being assertive enough. Avoiding conflict issues because I preferred to keep the peace.
Not taking enough charge of our life / planning our future.

Oh, and BTW, I love you too 25!

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl