sunshine78~ I just now saw your post Sunshine, sorry about that! I totally empathize with everything you have said! I know GALing is hard, but trust me there is really no other way. If you don't the thoughts, the loneliness, the depression will all suck the life out of you..... trust me been there done that, don't want to go back! Don't get me wrong, I have my moments still.... was feeling quite lonely last night, but I know it will pass and I know ultimately God wants what is best for me, so whether I like it or not I have to experience this part of the journey (trust me when I die there will be questions! LOL)
As for me, a lot of people in my life know now, but didn't at first, because, quite frankly, at first it was embarrassing. Now that I realize this really has nothing to do with me, and would have happened regardless, it's a little easier to let people in. It was also a bit easier once I was getting all the shocked WTF reactions from people, further cementing my life in Normalville and H's new address in Crazytown. There are still a lot of people who don't know, but my parents do, a few other family members, my friends and close co-workers. That works for me, it may not work for everyone. Just know you're not alone, and you can always count on the good people here to listen, give advice, cry with you or smack some sense into ya!
I also know this can take such a looooooooong time for them to work through, if ever. I'm coming up on a year next week and I can NOT believe it. In some ways it seems like yesterday, and others it seems like it's been forever.
wishing, hoping~ Exactly! Time for a change! Here's to getting to eat pizza WE really enjoy!! HAHA
reachingHigher~ Thanks RH! The hair cut was a big hit at work! Although, I was worried about the reaction of the children.... they did just stare at me for a little, but then I think they realized who I was! LOL
snodderly~ Funny you should mention the holidays, I was thinking about the same thing! I wonder if he is so stuck in replay it will be the same or not, who knows? I was also thinking of how much different they will be for me this year. Last year I spent them home alone, I cooked a big meal, just for me, it was pathetic really, but you have to remember I was only a few months from BD and still wasn't sure what was going on. I didn't even put up a Christmas tree!!! I will put one up this year and have no expectations, nothing else has jolted him back, but that doesn't mean I have to stop all of MY traditions because he's still lost in limbo land.
Updates~ I'm sure everyone is dying to know H's reaction to my new hair cut (ok, I may be being a bit dramatic there!) Anyway, he came home last night and I was sitting here at the computer. He went into his room, came out walked by said Hi to me and keep going.... a few seconds later he backed up looked in the room and said, "You did something to your hair?" He looked kinda stunned/shocked. I said yeah and spun around in the chair. He said, "Oh wow, that's different for you." Then he walked away. That was it. LOL I think he was so shocked he didn't know what to do or say so he tried to play it cool. He went to bed shortly after.
Later, around 10 I was turning off the tv in the bedroom and dropped the remote, it made a loud banging sound. He came running over and asked if I was alright. I told him I was, the remote had slipped out of my hand. He went back to his room. Strange.
This morning I did something, probably not DB, but hey why should he get to call all the shots, I may have seduced him (it didn't take much). Later before work I asked him if he would mind paying the cable bill this month too since I got my hair done. He said yeah if it will help you out. I said it will help me out, like I said, I did something for me, which I don't usually do so it would help me out a lot. He then asked when it was due. I told him it's either the 15 or the 11, I couldn't remember but I would look for him. He said he probably has an e-mail about it, he'll take care of it. So yea, he's paying the cable bill this month!!
Toothbrush, still in holder, however, bedroom door shut tight!! Also not home at typical after work time..... lots to think about with this sudden new hair!!
Also, thought it was funny my friend just texted me and said she wonders what H will do to top my hair.... she says green mohawk maybe? LMAO!!! Time will tell....
hrm, I think it's wonderful that you are going to go back to your holiday traditions this year. Definitely put up a tree and play your favorite holiday tunes. He may feel guilty about the traditions not be home much, but that's his problem, not yours. I bet if when you put packages under the tree, he will be checking them out when you aren't around.
I'm glad you asked him to pay the cable bill. He can help out w/the bills...after all, he's still living there.
Your new haircut threw him for a loop. Oh, he'll have to do something...maybe body piecing or a tattoo, or even a complete buzz cut. He's not going to allow you to get away w/doing something different for very long. LOL! He's like a kid and what do kids do? They try to compete w/each other. Time will tell what he pulls out of the hat.
Enjoy your day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Very valid point Wendy!! I bet your hair looks super cute too!!!
Thanks Snodderly!
He did tell me last night my hair looks cute, he actually asked me why I decided to get it cut because, "you've had the same hair your entire life." Since he asked I told him the story about my co-workers. Last night I also had a quote in my head that I have hanging on the wall at work. So I said to him a few minutes later, "Helen Keller once said life is either a daring adventure or nothing. I decided to go with daring adventure." and then I walked away.
Tonight H seemed in an ok mood, made small talk about house stuff (trash day changed, stuff to take to bulk drop off, etc). However, he seemed to get irritated when I made dinner and set the table (my counselor suggested this). He ate dinner. When he came out to make his plate everything was on the table, he said kind of annoyed is it going to be a problem if I eat in there (meaning the living room). I said no, enjoy! After eating I was cleaning up the mess (he did thank me for cooking) he went downstairs for a bit, maybe some time to think away from me,he's back upstairs now. I'm keeping my distance..... small pleasant interactions, don't want to overwhelm him.
hrm, I'm very happy that he noticed your hair and asked about it. His curiousity got the better of him. He just had to ask because this was so out of the norm for you. That's great! Keep him on his toes.
You definitely made him feel a bit uncomfortable about the table being set for dinner. He feels safer w/some distance between you and yet he notices everything you do.
At least he was interacting w/you concerning house stuff. You are so right about one thing...you do not want to overwhelm him at this point. Continue to drop the crumbs of friendship and let's see how long it takes for him to come out of his hole again.
You are doing great!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So I just had one of those, I can't believe he doesn't remember that, holy crap when they say their memories are bad during this they are right, moments.... I went to church tonight and they have out the Operation Christmas Child boxes already (fill a shoebox for a child in a third world country). I did this last year right around when I started attending this church and H helped me fill the box, I remember I was quite surprised, and I vividly remember thanking him and he said, "It's probably doing more for me than it is the kid."
I brought the box into the kitchen with me when I got home, H was in there, and apparently in the 1.5 hours I was gone his personality went from being almost normal to grrr grumpy pants (perhaps because he didn't know where I was going,perhaps because the sky is blue, perhaps someone peed in his cheerios,the possibilities are endless ) but I pretended like I didn't notice. I sat the box down and said it's that time of year again. He said, "I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about." I looked at him a moment, realized he was serious and smiled and I said about the box and what we do with it.... He really looked like he didn't remember last years box..... so I didn't say anything else, just walked away after he said oh ok....
He's apparently still going to the gym every morning this week too.... he's in bed already not even 8:30, this is pretty much his norm (unless we are trying to prove a point I suppose).
Anyway... just thought I would share that with you all... hope everyone has a happy Thursday tomorrow (man do I wish it was Friday night, what a week!!!!)
Yes, hrm, I find the memory thing shocking too, and I'm trying to get used to it.
My H bought a lava lamp EXACTLY like one we have at home in storage that we used for many, many years till last fall when I was too sad to use the pair anynmore. We always used them every weekend for special family times in cooler months.
S12 asked me why he didn't take one of ours instead of buying a new one. H said he didn't know we had any. Huh?
Maybe their memory problems are always connected to some master-MLC power distributor in their brain. Like with your H -- the Christmas child thing (we do it too) is too family oriented. He can't deal with it. Likewise the lava lamp. Just guessing.
Keep up the good work and happy spirit!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
hrm, I'm sorry his disposition changed in a matter of an hour or so, but I think you are right about one thing...he most likely was that way because he didn't have a clue where you went.
As for the memory, depression does that to them. Their minds are racing all of the time and whatever goes in, doesn't necessarily stay there for very long. Whatever happened pre-crisis is stored in there and the memories are brought out periodically to remind us of what we did wrong, but the memories that were made during crisis, tend to get misplaced until we jog their memories at some point. Some don't remember much of what they said or did during the crisis once they come out the other side.
I hope today is a better day for you. Friday is just around the corner!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello all, empathy and compassion meters for this MLC stuff are both running low today... several reasons. Yesterday at work a co-worker/friend found out her H's best friend suddenly died, he was her friend as well, and had been the best man in their wedding back in June (the hippie wedding I attended). The man was only 29 years old and has a 2 year old child.... so sad... my heart goes out to them.
The second thing, as part of my job I was one of the two people who got selected to attend the benefit banquet for the one local homeless shelter. The pastor who runs the shelter gave a nice speech about hope, and God being with us through life's storms and sometimes those storms seem like hurricanes. Then three former residents shared their stories, the last one, a younger girl, I would say probably in her twenties, brought tears to my eyes. She was talking about how she was a nursing student but couldn't finish school because her grades had gone down hill, at the same time she was in an abusive relationship, she also has a young daughter. Her abuser was sent to prison and she lost everything, no place to live, and before that living without electric and heat, she spoke of how her daughter lost her pets and they ended up at the shelter. She went on to say how the shelter helped her get back on her feet, living on her own, working and other life lessons. Her story was very moving.
Needless to say with these two things yesterday it really makes me want to go up to H and shake him and say wake up! Look how good your life is!! You have a roof over your head, food on the table, a job- yes you HATE it, but it's better than no job at all, a devoted wife who loves you, heck running water, for the most part healthy, life is NOT that bad, find the joy and contentment in what you already have because we never know how long we will have the people in our lives!
Of course I would never actually say any of that stuff to him because I know it wouldn't matter or make a difference, and if it did make a difference I'm sure he'd make it negative somehow. It's just really sad.
Despite my annoyance with H today, I'm still finding the joy, and am counting my blessings, because I truly am blessed even in this storm, I will not let the negative bring me down, life is good despite it all. I hope everyone has a great weekend, spend it doing what you love, spend it with the people you love since none of us know how long we may be able to do that. Love to all my internet friends.
