Rough, we certainly seem to be coming along... And it's funny reading through my old posts and re-reading the advice that Chatter, Starsky and Denver have been giving me all along... I'm only now truly starting to come to grips with their wisdom. I can't say that I should have listened closer a few months ago, because I know I had to take this journey on my own, but I feel a deep debt of gratitude to each of them (and everyone who's commented along the way). I'm so glad I discovered this board and MWD's books... Who knows where I'd be without them!
But my true test is coming this weekend. It's easy to write here, to pontificate on what I SHOULD do and how I SHOULD act. Putting it into action is going to be a bit tougher. Especially looking into her eyes for the first time in so long... she can be awfully disarming... But I feel a new strength in my convictions, a new sense of self worth, and a new knowledge that by sticking to MY ideals, MY thoughts and MY convictions, nothing bad can come of it.
Do I want this M to work out? Of course I do! Will anything happen this weekend that will change that? I highly doubt it. What WILL happen this weekend is I'll be able to look my W in the eyes and show her that no matter how much I love her, no matter how much I want this to work, and no matter what her mindset is, I'm not the same person she left months ago. I'm not an option and I'm not going to sit around spinning my wheels trying to figure out how to get her back anymore. I'm going to continue working on me, and if she wants to come back, then good for her and we'll see where that takes us.
I'm a way better person than the one she left. There's some strength behind my caring now. There's a conviction coloring my "overly sweet" personality. There's a guy who knows he deserves more than he's been getting these last few months. Hell, maybe she'll leave thinking she doesn't deserve me anymore.
