I would like help with sending and receiving mixed signals.
H and I have been on this trip for long time now. We get on for awhile and then splinter apart. Each time it feels like it's over. This time it feels a lot calmer for me (perhaps I'm used to it, bored of it, done with it?). I don't want to receive or give mixed signals. I want to be clear on what I want in my head. I guess this is about boundaries (something I am rubbish at as they seem like ultimatums) Although H is using his petname for me and ending texts with "x", I am trying not to read anything into it but am copying this method of reference to H. I don't want to make things up in my head about what that means. I guess what I am wanting is to be clear with H and my Self on what I want/am prepared to give. Usually we just drift like this and then start going on dates, boyfriend/girlfriend stuff with no discussion as to what we are doing. But that starts the ride for me; I assume things and then get hurt.
Latest Coms H and I have been texting for a week now. He broke NC last Tuesday with good morning. He texts most mornings, I text most bedtime ones. This is usual pattern after a stint of NC. I have also asked admin qs by text, he ansas them. I have over-functioned once (Saturday) and suggested seeing each other. At the moment we might be seeing each other tom night for dinner depending on his work commitments. I see this as a catch up only - I miss his company - no R talk. Not spent quality time with H for a couple of months due to his somewhat hurtful actions.
Current headstate I seem to be in a take it or leave it frame of mind I am very focused on my life and enjoying my Self I am interested in looking at reconciliation as believe that we had it once, we can have it again but am not interested if H is not minded to commit/step up.
What I want To take things slow and see where it goes. To not carry on in this limbo state; if H isn't interested and committed then I can not do this limbo roller coaster thing. I'd rather end everything. In Aug he stated he wanted to reconcile (first time I had heard that from him in 2 years, it had been me driving it before) but then appeared to back off/change his mind.
Relationship Goal I want H to tell me what he wants so that I can get on with things and not be in limbo Happy to stand at the crossroads for now but not for much longer.
I recognise there is power in hearing an Other's side first. In the past I have driven things because I wanted my needs met first (selfish) but I see now that relationships balance when we can find ways to meet both his and my needs. There's no rule that says you can't consider an Other's opinions and feelings first. In fact when you get to listen first, you always have the advantage.
Feel free to ask difficult questions/give me some 2x4s I need them to help me work out what I am doing/will do
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
