You're there mate. It sounds to me like you are where you need to be for this talk. Keep it up mate. I love what I read.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
You have had problems through out most of the marriage.
What do you want in a wife ?
What do you want in a lover ?
What do you want in a best friend ?
Answer those questions.
Within them you will find your boundaries and you will find what is acceptable and unacceptable to you.
Those are your facts.
Find them.
Then live them. Through actions and conversation.
Do not settle for less.
Stop being afraid of losing a poor partner.
Start being confident in the life you want.
Start living that life.
If that is the life she wants she will want to be apart of it.
If not. You take your lessons and move on.
What worse can happen ?
Serious ?
She left you. She blamed you. She is involved in an inappropriate relationship with another man. She does not have the decency to follow through on her actions and file.
What worse can happen ?
Stop being afraid.
Each day is about you. Make this weekend about you as well.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Thanks Chatter. Those are seriously words to live by. I've been thinking a lot about these issues, especially over the last month or two.
I've spent a lot of time focusing on POTENTIAL... the POTENTIAL I see in the R, the POTENTIAL I see in my W, and the POTENTIAL I see in our future together.
For a long time, I ignored the POTENTIAL within myself. Well I'll be damned that in just a few short months, some of that POTENTIAL has manifested in reality! I now have hope in my future, no matter how this R turns out.
Now, all that being said, I can't live my life on POTENTIAL alone. I'm not going to give up on my W and I'm not going to give up on my M. However, I'm also not going to put so much stock into the POTENTIAL anymore.
I need to see solid progress from W toward the potential I see in her. I need to see progress from W toward the potential I see in our R. I can't and won't be the sole care-taker of our M. I have no issues with putting in 50% of the effort... Hell I have no issues with putting in 60% of the effort, but putting in 100% isn't going to cut it.
It's not fair to me, and in all honesty, it's not fair to her either.
I have to look at it this way: If she's not willing to work on the M, then that [censored], but it's not the end of the world. We BOTH deserve to be in a relationship which we BOTH want to fight for. Sure I've been doing all the fighting lately, but I don't believe there's no fight in her. That could change... I could realize that she's never going to want to come back to the M, and I'm learning that is not the end of the world.
I married her because I thought we'd both be happy for the rest of our lives. At this point, neither of us are. I don't want to be an anchor to her happiness, no matter how much unrealized potential exists between us. I can't force her to see herself through my eyes. I can't make her believe the things I see in her. And I can't let myself get bent out of shape because of that. I've tried my hardest, I'll continue to try my hardest, but I won't let myself suffer for things I can't change.
My life will be what I make of it. If nothing else, I'll learn my lessons in this painful way, but I'll move on and be better for it if she doesn't want to be a part of what we started anymore.
A thought kinda hit me like a lightning bolt when I stepped outside for a quick break this afternoon, and it's something I think I'll be keeping in the back of my mind this entire weekend to keep me on path.
Although it is certainly in my nature to try to fix things, to try to come up with that magic combination of words and actions to convince W to come back, I have to keep this in mind:
Why would I want to be with someone who I have to CONVINCE to be with me?
If she can't make that decision on her own, and I have to drag her back in through some magical concoction of words/actions, then I'll always have it in the back of my mind that I had to do that to get her back.
When she finally clears through her fog and takes a look down the road to see the me I've become, she'll have a decision to make. The very act of HER making that decision will go a long way toward repairing our M...
This is not at all to say that I won't continue fighting for our M, because I will. And it's not to say that I won't be VERY carefully examining all of my interactions with her, because I certainly will. (As a matter of fact, I'll be posing several questions later today or tomorrow for the input of the boards...)
But I'm getting better and better (or at least trying harder and harder) at ignoring the things that are out of my control, continuing to better myself and become the best person I can be.
I can't change her mind, and I don't want to. If her mind is going to change, it needs to be HER decision, and I can't do anything to influence that directly. Even if I could, how could I have confidence that her decision is a solid one, not just one that I sweet-talked her into only to be down this path again in a few weeks/months/years?
The only thing I can do is become the person that she'd be a fool for leaving. And I think I'm doing a pretty good job of that so far. And I owe an awful lot of that to you guys!
You have a great PMA going. Keep it up. I am cheering for your happiness and progress in you. The rest will take care of itself if you keep focused on you like this.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
Sh!t AT, the freshman class have been good students. I wonder when our teachers/vets are going to determine when we can move up to the sophomore class? A sincere thank you to Chatter. You've been very empowering to a lot of us!
_________________________________ Freshman class of 2012 Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 15 Married: 11 D:5 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
Rough, we certainly seem to be coming along... And it's funny reading through my old posts and re-reading the advice that Chatter, Starsky and Denver have been giving me all along... I'm only now truly starting to come to grips with their wisdom. I can't say that I should have listened closer a few months ago, because I know I had to take this journey on my own, but I feel a deep debt of gratitude to each of them (and everyone who's commented along the way). I'm so glad I discovered this board and MWD's books... Who knows where I'd be without them!
But my true test is coming this weekend. It's easy to write here, to pontificate on what I SHOULD do and how I SHOULD act. Putting it into action is going to be a bit tougher. Especially looking into her eyes for the first time in so long... she can be awfully disarming... But I feel a new strength in my convictions, a new sense of self worth, and a new knowledge that by sticking to MY ideals, MY thoughts and MY convictions, nothing bad can come of it.
Do I want this M to work out? Of course I do! Will anything happen this weekend that will change that? I highly doubt it. What WILL happen this weekend is I'll be able to look my W in the eyes and show her that no matter how much I love her, no matter how much I want this to work, and no matter what her mindset is, I'm not the same person she left months ago. I'm not an option and I'm not going to sit around spinning my wheels trying to figure out how to get her back anymore. I'm going to continue working on me, and if she wants to come back, then good for her and we'll see where that takes us.
I'm a way better person than the one she left. There's some strength behind my caring now. There's a conviction coloring my "overly sweet" personality. There's a guy who knows he deserves more than he's been getting these last few months. Hell, maybe she'll leave thinking she doesn't deserve me anymore.
Never think of yourself as only a fool would leave or does not deserve.
People will do bad things to hurt you. It is not always out of hate or love or with spite or with malice.
Sometimes people are just selfish or messed up or just don't give a rats ass.
You may never know why she did what she did. You just know she did it.
That is something you need to work on and understand as well.
Sometimes things happen for no reason what so ever.
It is up to you to decide if there should be a lesson or growth.
Your thoughts are still based around what I posted to you way back on my first post to you.
HER PROBLEM = COMPLAINT = YOU CHANGE SOLUTION
If she said she is coming home this weekend.
This would remain in play.
She would have a few weeks of ML and letting you all touchy freely around her and then she would shut it all down again.
See you are sitting around spinning your wheels trying to figure out how to show her you have changed. How to show her your a new man. Better than some i-4 reject who wishes they were from windermere instead of metro west.
But you see.
You are better. You just need some confidence in yourself. I struggle with this as well. We do not give ourselves enough credit.
See you improved yourself. But you cannot give yourself that credit. So you pretend its because of your wife.
You applied yourself at work during the most difficult time of your life.
You have carried the high path in this fight. So wear that with pride.
You should be proud of your accomplishments to date.
They are the beginning foundations of shaping you into an even better man.
So take that fear you have in your gut and get a good memory of your marriage in your mind and get a bad memory of your marriage in your mind.
Only you can control the conversation you want to have.
IF you say you lost weight.
Then wear some tight fitting clothing.
You have been doing the gal.
There is your conversations. Offer carrots of gal. She will nibble. Offer her conversations with some mystery of the experiences she missed due to her choices.
Tried a new mix drink at a club.
Slide it into the conversation.
If you get side tracked and want to go melty man. Talk about a new cuban place that opened up. Or some new part of town you visited that was amazing.
Or a long run or what ever.
But keep it completely void of anything with substance.
She will offer you more about her life in a conversation like that than any questions will ever answer.
If that is your goal.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
