Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[Zoo]

Journaling

The hormone tide has receded, an argument had no lasting repercussions and my brain has ceased it's seething negativity...I feel much more like myself today

An interesting thing occured last night...something I wouldn't have expected. My mother called, off on her tangent of ASSuming Pops is cheating on her again (they have been doing amazingly well lately ). At the same time H was IM'ing me so I outlined what was going on with m&p. When H got home we started discussing my parents sitch in more detail.

One of the big things that will set Ma off is if she feels like her sex-life is lacking. To her, if she isn't getting anything from Pops then somebody else MUST be. I told H this, at the same time admitting that the same thing could be said about me on occasion. H laughed and agreed with me. This was what part of the argument we had on Sun. was about.

I then told H that I could understand WHY Ma felt that way sometimes. I said " When an A has occured in an R it cause you to question your sexuality. I don't like admitting that I think along those lines sometimes but when you toss in the time of year that it is, going from constant sex to less frequent sex,some moodiness and other things...well, I find it hard NOT to think of the possibility."

H listened while I told him that and he acknowledged it and said he could understand it. He said "I'm sorry about that hon but sometimes I'm just not in the mood...it happens to guys. I just haven't been interested lately, I dont' know why and I don't really know how to explain it. It doesn't mean there is a problem though."

I then felt comfortable enough to ask him for a bit more clarification. I said "I just wanted to know if the lack of interest was due to things you have mentioned were a problem in the past...you know, lack of interest in me, boredom, dissatisfaction. I want to make sure that I'm not overlooking something that I shouldn't be." H then said "don't worry hon, it isn't any of those things, those are fine. Like I said, I just haven't been interested in sex itself."

This conversation was SOOOO amicable and all the time I'm thinking why couldn't it have gone like this Sun ? I mean, it was the SAME topic and I even asked some of the same questions??

H and i spent the rest of the night talking about various topics that interest us ...cosmology (was watching it on DISC channel ), plate tectonics, politics and chickens Don't ask me how we went from one subject to the next...that is the way so many of our conversations go.

Something interesting I found out about H last night though. He told me that he doesn't understand the concept of infinity...it doesn't make sense to him? This surprised me because H is quite good at abstract thought and has a keen interest in space...of which infinity is a factor. I tried to explain it to him in as simple layman's terms as I could but I don't think my explanation satisfied him. There is knowledge to be gained from that though. Extrapolate H's inability to conceive infinity as seeing things only in FINITE terms...all things have a beginning and an end; black and white. I can readily conceive infinity, some things just ARE, some things are immeasurable; GRAY.

Yin vs Yang
Mars vs Venus

Ok, I don't know WHERE I am going with this but it does explain some puzzlement I have concerning H. I'll have to think on it a bit more

Hugz,
Zoo

[Zoo]

Something I forgot to mention yesterday...

H asked me what day our anniversary was on. I told him the 25th of Feb. H said "I know that...what DAY is it on." I have to admit I went blank for a moment...H has NEVER before remembered the DATE of our anniversary and this year I decided I wasn't going to remind him.

HE REMEMBERED ALL BY HIMSELF???

He also mentioned V day is coming up??

H then said he was going to try to take a vacation day off for our anniversary !!?

I darn near started crying out of sheer happiness

The man so often has me wanting to pound my head against the wall and then he goes and does something like this *shaking head in amazement*.

I'm still worried I'll get a new dryer for an anniversary present though

Hugz,
Zoo

[comebackhome]

Hi! I found your words of wisdom to kevinlost so inspiring that I decided to stalk you! Would you mind taking a look at my thread and giving me some direction?

I too am guilty of the "what's the matter" question. I haven't asked it since Dday, but he was always irritable with ME and I was always looking for validation that he wasn't that way BECAUSE of me. Ofcourse I never got what I was looking for so I finally discovered it was a cheeseless tunnel.

Anywhooo my thread is in infidelity under treading water.

Thanks.

[Zoo]

JOURNAlLING Probably long and a lot of mispelled words

Ok, I haven't bben posting to my own thread because I have been sulking and mired in introspection. IT doesnt make sense to me to be that way but that is the truth of it.

Sulking...quite a bit actually.

I feel neglected. I want H's attention...just the same as it was before the first of the year. I don't care that he has "work issues" right now nor do I care that at the moment he seems to be at a biological ebb. I'm tired of being shuffled to the bottom of his priority list because I am a standard fixture around here..."good ol' reliable", supper on the table,house picked up, laundry done, creature comforts saw to and maintained. I'm tired of struggling constantly with the finances that HE screwed up through his selfish indulgences 7 months ago but expects me to somehow "fix". I'm tired of THINKING I have them fixed only to have him want to spend again...I won't stop him either, I AM NOT HIS MOTHER and shouldn't have to tell him NO. I'm tired of being nice and understanding when I don't FEEL that way.

Yes, I feel petty and petulant, frustrated and weary. I want to scream and lose my temper and throw things. I want to throw my meds in the trash, get in my car and just DRIVE. My feet are getting itchy and I'm very restless. I feel a NEED to move, explore new places and meet new people. I'd run naked through our woods but I'd either freeze my hootchy off or get poison ivy (or both) and that would just be unpleasant.

I HATE having these type of WANTS and having to quell them. I resent the he!! out of H and circumstance for keeping me hobbled.

I have to maintain though.

All this DESPITE the fact that H and I had a great weekend together Despite H apologizing for upsetting me earlier in the week. DESPITE H insisting on getting me an anniversary present and asking me repeatedly what I want.

I resented being put in the position of having to make a list though. H KNOWS what I want...he KNOWS but tells me it isn't going to happen. It isn't practical and HE can't justify the expense on a "symbol". THAT is why I got cookware for my Bday/xmas gift. It wasn't because he didn't have that "fuzzy feeling", it was all about the practical spending of $$$. I wanted so bad to fling his gun purchases in his face...they certainly aren't what I would consider practical (!)...but I didn't, I played nice and bit my tongue.

I did tell him how the bday/xmas thing affected me though...what it made me think and how it made me feel. He apologised for that. I told him the IMPORTANCE of our anniversary to me (he understood and said the IMPORTANCE was there for him too) and tried to explain that the gift should reflect that importance.

I ended up compromising when I made up my list

THe thing is...it would be cheaper to buy me a new ring then it would be to get me any of the more PRACTICAL things on my list. H even said he knew this but wanted me to have something with a "shelf-life"...then he said money wasn't an issue I did put my foot down about appliances for the most part though (exception being a small wine cellar). H then sends me a link on IM...it was to a table that shows what you get for whichever year of anniversary you are celebrating. Fourth year = electric appliances...I laughed my butt off at the irony in THAT one! H didn't think it was funny though.

It all gave me a headache and depressed the he!! out of me. I just can't seem to distance myself from the emotional aspects. I can only see this as a new 'cheeseless tunnel".

*shrug*
Zoo

[Livnlearn]

Zoo,

Two points -

If you are working together on the M, then do you have an agreement on how money gets spent - basic bills take priority, then an allocation for personal spending, without having to consult the other person? How does H get to spend money on himself on things you do not think important, but not you?

Secondly, if you have made a list of things YOU would like, why does HE get to veto things on it?

Household appliances are NOT personal, but so many of us women wind up receing gifts like that, because we are forever thinking practically...!

Livnlearn

[talitsa]

(((Zoo)))
LOLOL girl! I'm usually the one that wants the practical stuff , and he will say, "that's not very romantic!"

Send him an email with a picture of a ring that you like and tell him diamonds are forever, and therefore have great "shelf-life".

Your man sounds like one of those real lineal thinkers, and in his defense--he's probably hard-wired that way, but it's still no reason to ask for a list and then veto the items on it.

[Zoo]

LnL,

Bills get payed first, personal spending comes last. That is the way it generally works anyway. H USUALLY consults me befoe spending anything significant...now. This past summer though was a different story altogether. H spent at will, bills got behind etc.

How does H get to spend money on himself on things you do not think important, but not you?

This is simple...H pouts. He will tell me that it isn't important, it is ok if he has to wait and then he POUTS. He is the king of pouters and he works me with it. I know it is a failing of mine that I almost always cave in when he gets like that too I can't stand it, it really stresses me out, so I shuffle things around, put my own stuff on hold and usually find a way for H to get what he wants. Unfortunately this usually snowballs on me...once he gets the greenlight on a certain amount of $ he seems to THINK there is more where it came from This usually happens DESPITE my telling him otherwise. H will even acknowlege this is the usual scenario but it doesn't stop him from doing it. IT is as much my fault too for enabling it

The list was to provide H with ideas for an anniversary gift.

It is my HABIT to put my needs last. I do try to break this habit by allowing myself to by one small thing each payday. This is usually something like make-up, a sweater, a book or something of that nature...usually something under $20. It is actually a big step for me to do this...I keep hoping to be able to raise my own limit but I just can't do it yet. I feel horrible guilt when i do this.

Hugz,
Zoo

[Livnlearn]

Zoo

Perhaps you need to sit down and discuss allocating a budget for personal spending money and then allow each other to get on with it. Otherwise the one sidedness and frustration and resentment will never end! And it will be seen to be FAIR!!! And neither of you will have to JUSTIFY what you spent your money on! We all need a bit of pace, even in a marriage, right??

Livnlearn

[Zoo]

Ah LNL...I tried this. H said it wasn't necessary He tells me "if you want something just get it". When I tell him that I can't because HIS purchase (s) have exhausted the personal budget and then some he clams up on me and won't discuss it anymore.

I asked him to take over the money handling a couple of months ago I explained to him that it was becoming too stressful for me and more often then not drove me to tears. It was one of the few times I think I have seen real fear flash in his eyes He told me that he preferred me to take care of it, that I did an EXCELLENT job and he would just mess everything all up if he tried, he was lousy when it came to that kind of stuff etc (this was evidenced last year during one of the times I left...the bills came due and he ignored them figuring I could take care of it when I came back, nevermind that I left clear instructions of what was due when and balanced the account out before I left). I just looked at him then turned around and walked away.

I fear this is definitely a no-win sitch for me.

Hugz,
Zoo

[Livnlearn]

Zoo

Sounds like both you and your H have a bad case of not wanting to face up to responsibilities.... guilty of a similar problem in this M here.

Been reading The Road Less Travelled by M, Scott Peck and it talks about these kinds of things - not wanting to face up to our own responsibilities, and also taking on responsibilities that aren't even ours. Do try to get hold of this book. It's very perceptive!

Ignoring a problem will not make it go away!

Livnlearn