After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[keep_going]

BM, NG - thanks for the support. It is during interactions like this that I question everything, even my sanity. It's crazy-making. The fight continued last night. I was so bad, the grief was too much and I said many things, way too many...

It started when H left me a message at 7pm asking how D4 felt. I got the message and texted back at 8:30PM after putting the kids to bed, saying D4 was fine:

H - Jesus KG!
KG - What seems to be the problem?
H - How insensitive can you be? I've been worried sick. Never mind.
KG - You left a message at 7pm... Was I supposed to read your mind from noon until then? If you were worried "sick" you could have called way before then. Never mind is exactly right.
I am going to ask u that next time you wake up depressed for something that has nothing to do with me that you don't take your frustrations out on me like you have done all day today. I am not your punching bag anymore. Call OW for that - she has now earned that right.

H - You are just rude. Another snide comment.
KG - I have received nothing but rudeness from you today and enough is enough.

H - This has everything to do with you. If you don't want to accept responsibility I can see why.
KG - Right, I forgot that everything wrong with your life is my fault.

H - No just the fact that you can't keep your word and you treat me like a second class parent. I would have told u about D4 right away.
KG - U don't even respond to my texts or messages, much less initiate any.
H - You alternate between being rude, indifferent and nice to me. Just pick one and stick to it.

KG - This morning I felt really bad when you shared that you felt unwelcome at your brother's and I tried to help you. And then u went off on me re. the custody thing, instead of acknowledging that perhaps we can interpret the agreement differently. Instead u immediately reverted to thinking the worst of me and attacking me as a person. Bully, I have no word, I don't want u to see your kids. Do you realize this was my #1 complaint in our M and the main reason I felt unloved and unappreciated for years? You first think the worst of me no matter what. Please tell me if you really believe I am the monster you tell me I am. Would u have fallen in love with me if I was? And why do others don't see that monster? Is everyone blind except u? I have learned to take responsibility for my faults but to stop taking the blame for yours. So in that spirit, I apologize for my snide comment about OW. It was out of line and I said it just to be spiteful. Everything else today I stand by what I have said.

H - I understand. I don't think you ever treated anybody as harshly as you treated me...So yes, I do have my doubts. And yes I can understand why others don't see it. I am sometimes surprised that you're not more understanding of my skepticism toward you. I think it's perfectly normal for what I've been thru with you.I appreciate that u were nice to me this morning. I had a tough day yesterday and I know you can empathize. As for D5, I think the agreement is very clear so I don't see how it could be interpreted any other way. In such a case I can't think of any other reason for you being so headstrong about it. I want to have equal responsibility, I've been very clear about it and I just wished you'd agree. I'm going to keep trying but its hard when you dump on my efforts, specially after dumping on me for not trying. I just want to be treated fairly and I've never felt that from you. Thank u for trying to explain. I just don't buy it because next week it will be something different. I'm sorry I feel that way. I've just been burned too many times.

KG - That is unfortunate but it's your choice. We all have to live with ours.

H - As for feeling like I thought the worst of you, I think that is obvious too. 9 out of 10 times when you'd tell me you were not mad, u later admitted u were. It was a vicious cycle and it still happens today. I'm very happy with my choices. I get to live without constant anger around me and my kids are constantly in a happy, loving and healthy environment. Everything else is gravy.

KG - It sounds good on paper. But u were the one who brought his anger into my life today, like you have done many other days. So if you are happy, u really hide it well from me and others who truly love you. Sorry, I don't buy it. Just being honest.
H - The people that really know me comment on how much happier I am. And I agree. Everybody else either is upset with me for my decision to stay out of my marriage or doesn't spend enough time with me to actually know.

KG - Then I am happy for you, H.

H - And yes, when my rights are being trampled on, I will get angry with you. I think the fact that I stand up to you now makes it appear that I'm more unhappy. I interpret more as me now expressing myself more clearly instead of letting you walk over me. I could probably be better at this, so I'll try harder.

KG - Thanks for saying that. U keep saying you will try but u just keep getting angry. So I am skeptical as well. Until you let go of your resentment we won't be able to co-parent, which is my only interest now.

H - That was quite passive-aggressive. My displeasure with you isn't made up or in my head. It's from stuff you do.

KG - I am being honest. U have admitted that u get angry when u feel mistreated. And I totally relate to that because I used to say the same to you about my anger.
H - My problem is that you say I "feel" mistreated. I think by anybody's standards except yours, I 'have" been mistreated.

KG - I know. I used to feel and say the same to you. Yet you never validated my feelings. You always said I "felt" unloved but wasn't. And you still cannot validate any of my feelings just because "you just don't buy it." Your anger towards me is completely valid. Mine never was.

H - I tried to show you love everyday without much in return. I tried to get you to open your eyes and see that. So yes, I think you never really saw me and it was in your head. Which is why we won't ever agree on this topic.

KG - OK... I guess when someone calls you crazy there is no more to add and you just did. :-(
H - I am not saying it to be mean. That is what happened.

KG - Talk about a total lack of validation - I was crazy, I imagined every feeling of hurt. In three words, you were perfect.
H _ I wasn't, but you can never blame me for not showing you love. I wanted this to work every day, not just at crisis points.

KG - I agree that you tried to show me love everyday. But sometimes (many times) that was not the way I needed to be loved. And I felt unloved. And guess what? the same happened to you. I also tried to show you my love in the way I thought you needed it. In a limited and imperfect way, but that was not the way you needed it and you also felt unloved. Too bad you cannot see it or are unwilling to accept it. Because that would imply that maybe we both screwed up and that maybe we could learn to communicate better and heal and feel loved and appreciated by each other, And maybe turn things around... But you have gone too far down your path and there is no conceivable way back for you. So it's easier to just dump it all on me. :-(

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That's my soap opera... I hate myself for reverting back to this bad dynamic and it validates him. He still sees me as a monster. I am so depressed and disappointed in myself.