Sitting on the Blanket

[bustingout]

Thanks Vero and labug. I do feel strong. And yes, it waffles...a little wave is hitting me now...the 'wanting to reach out wave' but i am also remembering that if he wants to reach out he can.

Am trying to think back to when we first met....no, actually when we started becoming best friends and eventually dated, lovers, etc.

I hav to admit, that file i posted yesterday that the couple of small positive interactions we had that were not about the kids got me thinking. Should i initiate a non kid text? but then i thought 'no'. That is what i did in the past two years. a small softening and i would break through with a jack hammer, only to scare him off again.

this is what sitting on the blanket with my back to the castle means i suppose.

Bt those old feelings of wanting to remind him i am still out there float through me at times. i am learning to let them go through and not react to them. what will be will be. he knows where i am. he knows how to contact me. he knows how.

So, work is getting a little stressful but i enjoy it. Am preparing the students' college applications with them. I always feel so privileged to be a part of this process with them. :-)

Trying to plan the winter break. Had agreed with my sister in law (h's sister) that we would meet in Germany for xmas but it is still not finalized. Also, my good friends from here (two families) are going to S Africa for New years (safari first) and me and the kids have been included. However, it is not cheap. And i am hesitant to ask H about it ( not if he will go but about the expenses). I know that we are in a tight time right now financially, but not sure if i should ask him with the idea that i use some of my own money to support the trip or not approach it at all. From what he told my sister when she was here finances are putting a lot of strain on him. Since i know that, shouldn't i be considerate of it and skip the idea of this trip? Or maybe he is expecting us to do something for the winter break so it won't be a strain? Or how about this...why don't i just ask him??? lol

anyway will flop it about in the head for a few days.

Invited out to a couple of events this weekend so am looking forward. 2 more days and its our weekend...yippee!