JOURNAlLING Probably long and a lot of mispelled words

Ok, I haven't bben posting to my own thread because I have been sulking and mired in introspection. IT doesnt make sense to me to be that way but that is the truth of it.

Sulking...quite a bit actually.

I feel neglected. I want H's attention...just the same as it was before the first of the year. I don't care that he has "work issues" right now nor do I care that at the moment he seems to be at a biological ebb. I'm tired of being shuffled to the bottom of his priority list because I am a standard fixture around here..."good ol' reliable", supper on the table,house picked up, laundry done, creature comforts saw to and maintained. I'm tired of struggling constantly with the finances that HE screwed up through his selfish indulgences 7 months ago but expects me to somehow "fix". I'm tired of THINKING I have them fixed only to have him want to spend again...I won't stop him either, I AM NOT HIS MOTHER and shouldn't have to tell him NO. I'm tired of being nice and understanding when I don't FEEL that way.

Yes, I feel petty and petulant, frustrated and weary. I want to scream and lose my temper and throw things. I want to throw my meds in the trash, get in my car and just DRIVE. My feet are getting itchy and I'm very restless. I feel a NEED to move, explore new places and meet new people. I'd run naked through our woods but I'd either freeze my hootchy off or get poison ivy (or both) and that would just be unpleasant.

I HATE having these type of WANTS and having to quell them. I resent the he!! out of H and circumstance for keeping me hobbled.

I have to maintain though.

All this DESPITE the fact that H and I had a great weekend together Despite H apologizing for upsetting me earlier in the week. DESPITE H insisting on getting me an anniversary present and asking me repeatedly what I want.

I resented being put in the position of having to make a list though. H KNOWS what I want...he KNOWS but tells me it isn't going to happen. It isn't practical and HE can't justify the expense on a "symbol". THAT is why I got cookware for my Bday/xmas gift. It wasn't because he didn't have that "fuzzy feeling", it was all about the practical spending of $$$. I wanted so bad to fling his gun purchases in his face...they certainly aren't what I would consider practical (!)...but I didn't, I played nice and bit my tongue.

I did tell him how the bday/xmas thing affected me though...what it made me think and how it made me feel. He apologised for that. I told him the IMPORTANCE of our anniversary to me (he understood and said the IMPORTANCE was there for him too) and tried to explain that the gift should reflect that importance.

I ended up compromising when I made up my list

THe thing is...it would be cheaper to buy me a new ring then it would be to get me any of the more PRACTICAL things on my list. H even said he knew this but wanted me to have something with a "shelf-life"...then he said money wasn't an issue I did put my foot down about appliances for the most part though (exception being a small wine cellar). H then sends me a link on IM...it was to a table that shows what you get for whichever year of anniversary you are celebrating. Fourth year = electric appliances...I laughed my butt off at the irony in THAT one! H didn't think it was funny though.

It all gave me a headache and depressed the he!! out of me. I just can't seem to distance myself from the emotional aspects. I can only see this as a new 'cheeseless tunnel".

*shrug*
Zoo

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm." - Mahatma Gandhi