How do I deal with this text message

[WenikiTiki]

Eric’s top 10 reason why not to have R discussions when you live in the house with a batchit crazy MLCer..

1 – They are crazy
2 – You are way too emotional cause chances are this is the first time you are dealing with someone who is crazy
3 – cause YOU STILL FEEL that something YOU say will snap her as* out of “it”. Sorry ain’t gonna happen.
4 – Cause the more you push her – the more she will push back
5 – Cause if you are trying to save a marriage you do that with actions NOT words
6 – Cause chances are your not getting sex, she is looking good, your horny and really pissed off- and when you are pissed off nothing positive can come out of your mouth.
7 – Talking to your W = stress for your W. Stress = higher probability of divorce.
8 – They are not only crazy but NOT rational. Why would you try and have a rational conversation with someone who is NOT rational.
9 - Your probably really pissed the F off, feeling like a doormat and so do you really think it would be a GOOD conversation.
10 – You still have expectations, which will not be met and piss you off even more.


I just went and printed two copies out of this. Out one in my purse, one in my quilt bag. (I always have one of those things near me.) I am going to read and re-read that everything I feel like talking to my X. Because we continue to live in the same house, tho divorced. And talking to him is a waste of my precious breath.

So thanks Eric.

[ericmsant2]

Sunny,

In response to Forever Young’s post below….

Go post your story on a forum like ‘talk about marriage’ and you will be flooded with advice to file for D ASAP and teach her a lesson. Then read the stories here where LBS’s doormat it for years and years, no matter the results. There has to be a happy medium somewhere in between.

You and you alone can determine what it the best action to take. It is your life man. I or no one else on these boards is. A lot of times, an LBSer will run and file, usually in a fit of anger and as you probably know, doing something when you are angry is usually not the best action.

Regret

What does that mean to you?

What if just as you file, your W looks at you and says…why didn’t you wait, I was just starting to realize how much you meant to me, etc.

Would you look back and regret that you did not give her enough time?

Would you look back and say…f*ck if I only waited a little longer.

What if your W, when you were making some of your own mistakes (and trust me WE ALL do) filed and left you. How would you feel?

I know it is tough dude and there are no guarantees that your M will survive. To some extent, it is out of your control. An M takes two people ultimately. What is in YOUR control BTW, is how you will feel when whatever happens – happens. Will you end it pissed off with a ton or regret, which you will end up carrying with you? Only you KNOW man.

A wise man once said to me…..

“NO regrets”….whatever you do “No regrets”

That approach is NOT for HER ….it is for YOU Sunny.

You say you are a man of faith, a man of God….

Have a little faith brother…faith in YOURSELF. Faith that whatever happens will be God’s will NOT your, not mine….and NOT HERS.

Sometimes we never know why things happen the way they do initially. In my sitch, I ended up divorced but I ended up with something much more important, much more beneficial to me, to my kids and (this may be hard to believe) to my XW (at least the woman I married)..I ended up with…

A new ME!

More patience, a better understanding of life, more compassion, love, happiness, hopefulness a closer relationship with God, a better father…..


What you have right now Sunny is TIME.

Time to really ask God to show you things about yourself, about who you want to be, about YOUR purpose in life….

Let her Go…hand her over to God…

Focus on YOU

Allow her to make HER OWN choices, while YOU make the ones that YOU need to make for YOU.


I am not saying NOT to file…just giving you something to think about.

God Bless,
Eric

[hrm134]

Hello Sunny... if stories of people who get back together are what you are looking for you may want to check out the rejoice marriage ministries website. They have a lot of such stories... but just a warning, some of the marriages were "saved" after divorce..... I suppose anything is possible if one wants it to be. It all depends on what you are willing to put up with/ how much you can take or where you feel God is leading you.

Hope this helps! Keep praying!

[SunnyBurst]

Sunny

her cruelty and indifference are just getting to much to bear for me

Cruelty OR indifference? I suspect it is the indifference and NOT cruelty. Cause if it is cruelty as in she keeps you locked in the basement naked with no food or water, then I suspect that you would have filed. The indifference is HARD dude. I know. Trying to live with someone who shows you NOTHING is tough. Especially if all you are doing is LOOKING AT HER.

Cruelty to me
1) she told me that all the love letters she wrote were just words and meant nothing
2)Had her parents come up for a visit for 3 weeks and slept in my sons room - how embarassing is that
3) she is taking my son away for 2 weeks for her sisters wedding and I am only allowed to stop by the church for the ceremony and only cuz I want to see my son in his first bridal party.
[quote]I can't understand why if she wants a divorce why we are working on the house

Mine wanted to redo the bathroom after she told me she wanted a divorce. MLC makes no sense dude. So are YOU “working on the house” or is she? Are YOU investing money in the house or is SHE? Do you want to fix the house or does SHE? Are you doing everything SHE wants and therefore you feel like a f*cking punching bag?

If you want to fix the house – fix it. If it make sense for you to fix (regardless of if you stay married or not) then fix it. If you are FIXING the house for HER – then stop.


I want the new kitchen she walked through the whole project with me and since I am the one who cooks she layed out the whole kitchen the way I wanted - just very confusing. We are gonn have to sell the house if we divorce - the kitchen was last done in 1968 so we will get more money for the house so its a win.

DB says we can't ask about the relationship at all

Eric’s top 10 reason why not to have R discussions when you live in the house with a batchit crazy MLCer..

1 – They are crazy
2 – You are way too emotional cause chances are this is the first time you are dealing with someone who is crazy
3 – cause YOU STILL FEEL that something YOU say will snap her as* out of “it”. Sorry ain’t gonna happen.
4 – Cause the more you push her – the more she will push back
5 – Cause if you are trying to save a marriage you do that with actions NOT words
6 – Cause chances are your not getting sex, she is looking good, your horny and really pissed off- and when you are pissed off nothing positive can come out of your mouth.
7 – Talking to your W = stress for your W. Stress = higher probability of divorce.
8 – They are not only crazy but NOT rational. Why would you try and have a rational conversation with someone who is NOT rational.
9 - Your probably really pissed the F off, feeling like a doormat and so do you really think it would be a GOOD conversation.
10 – You still have expectations, which will not be met and piss you off even more.

This is awesome - sit should be a STICKY

let them have no responsibility.

No one said they should have no responsibility. We, the LBS’s tend to do that, we tend to think that if we are really nice, if we really cave to everything THEY want that maybe they will see that we are sorry. So I agree she should have some responsibility and so should YOU. You are responsible for YOU, how you FEEL, what YOU do, how YOU live YOUR life and she is responsible for HER.

I think one of the dangers of DBing is that our spouses lose respect for us how can you love and respect

A couple of small changes to the above…..”The dangers of NOT DBing, is continuing to LOOSE respect for ONESELF. DB is about respect and healthy boundaries.

I feel if I had been stronger from the beginning of this whole fiasco and said here is the line cross it and we're done - now it's to late

Oh I hear you dude…obviously you must have hit some of the anger that we all go through. Could have been “stronger” – Yeah maybe, but probably also could have been smarter too. We all make mistakes in our R’s. We usually carry forward the baggage from our childhood and life, so please don’t think that “strength” alone would fix this. You need to take a step back and figure out where YOU went wrong cause that is the only thing you can fix. As for being “too late”. F*ck that! It’s never too late – if you think it is, well then, pack her or your chit and call it a day. I would suggest though, that you try and at least fix some of the issues you brought to the M; otherwise you may find yourself here again.

Look Sunny, I really am not trying to be an as* here. I just wonder if you have really given this M all you have. Personally, I think not but that is just me. My straight to the point advice is this….

1) Stop fixing the house and start enjoying your life a little bit.
2) Let her go, at least emotionally. Stop paying attention to the chit she does.
3) Stop being a friend or someone she can talk to when she feels like it. Personally, I would ignore her without being a total di*k. If you were out enjoying your life you wouldn’t be around much.
4) I would really focus on my music aspiration
5) You talk about being a good Christian…well what does the bible teach us. Turn a cheek? E? So get back to church and help some folks out.
6) My final piece of advice….write a song dude!

God Bless,
Eric

Thanks for your help Eric

[SunnyBurst]

I don't know but I really screwed up the commentary above -- guess I don't know how to work the board

But her Cruelty to me is this:
1) she told me that all the love letters she wrote were just words and meant nothing
2)Had her parents come up for a visit for 3 weeks and slept in my sons room - how embarassing is that
3) she is taking my son away for 2 weeks for her sisters wedding and I am only allowed to stop by the church for the ceremony and only cuz I want to see my son in his first bridal party.
4) changed her facebook status to single

In terms of the kitchen:
I want the new kitchen she walked through the whole project with me and since I am the one who cooks she layed out the whole kitchen the way I wanted - just very confusing. We are gonn have to sell the house if we divorce - the kitchen was last done in 1968 so we will get more money for the house so its a win.

Last night she told me that she wanted to go see a band on 10/13 she obviously saw that on Facebook that I already posted I was going -- she told me that I am not being fair and she should get to go out more ( are you kidding me - I only started going out 2 weeks ago she has been partying hard since May )
Now she has jumped into my circle of musician friends who she hardly knows - she told her that when I go see a band I only stay for an hour - so why bother I said how do you know - she said people tell me - I said your having me watched -- she said know - she said people just tell me -- her BFF who is trying to get her to "hook up - etc." was there I guess that's who told her.

Truth is would I rather be home and watch a movie/tv with her sure - but she don't want that anymore - but if I refuse to sit home and be a babysitter so she can go out and try an meet someone new while she is still married to me -- am I wrong for doing this -- I don't know - but I told her I am going and if she wants to go get a babysitter. Am I doing the right thing or should I let her go out all she wants and just babysit for her and let her get this out of her system - please help.

I am trying to GAL but I also am trying to keep her from having the freedom of a single person

[TSquared2]

I also am trying to keep her from having the freedom of a single person

Stop this. You can't. It is out of your control.
if she is in MLC, she will do what she wants. Sorry.
If you D, she will do this, if you don't, right now, she will do this if she wants...been there my friend...so take that out of the picture and what do YOU want to do about the concert? Maybe arrange a sitter anyway, take care of your kids... AS IF she wasn't there... Know what I mean?

This is hard, letting go of control of her and the outcome, but vital...for any hope of a R, and any hope for YOUR

keep her from having the freedom....

...think about how that sounds...

You are wasting valuable time to work on YOU!

hope that helps some...
T^2

[TSquared2]

This is hard, letting go of control of her and the outcome, but vital...for any hope of a R, and any hope for YOUR

for YOUR growth... sorry, hit "enter" too soon.

Sometimes I like to consider my W's MLC as a test of my unconditional love ability, my patience, my faith...helps me see that the only thing I can control is me and my reactions and growth...the rest is up to God. And, at least I don't have it quite so bad as that Job guy a few years ago...

I am a recovering "fixer", so I know the urge to fix and control...look up controlling behaviors and see what it says, I was shocked, and...ashamed. My "good" intentions weren't necessarily that, or perceived as "good"...

Tough look in the mirror for me.

But that is where we LBS HAVE TO look...for US, ours kids and who we are going be from this day forward.

Kind of like two paths here...grace, or bitterness and resentment.

You choose your path, let her choose hers.


~my 2.5 cents.

T^2

[ericmsant2]

Sunny

she told me that all the love letters she wrote were just words and meant nothing

She is going to say stuff like that. She needs to, in order to justify to herself what she is doing. It is called “spew”. She will need to rewrite history as well.

Had her parents come up for a visit for 3 weeks and slept in my sons room - how embarassing is that

Embarassing for HER dude. Why are you worried about what her parents may have thought. She is the one that wants the D. Chances are her parents are not stupid and probably can see the craziness that she exudes now.

she is taking my son away for 2 weeks for her sisters wedding and I am only allowed to stop by the church for the ceremony and only cuz I want to see my son in his first bridal party.

“Taking away your son”. No one can do that buddy. You are his Dad and always will be. Change how you are looking at it. For example: Consider that maybe yours son will have a good time, maybe you can use the time away to focus on your band or write a song. Anger and hurt will make see things one way…..peace makes things look a lot different.

changed her facebook status to single

SO WHAT! If it bothers you so much STOP looking at HER FACEBBOOK page. Sunny, you are letting HER ACTIONS CONTROL how you FEEL. I can’t help with that..only you can – hence we say DETACH.

We are gonn have to sell the house if we divorce - the kitchen was last done in 1968 so we will get more money for the house so its a win.

First, are you sure that you “have to” sell the house if you divorce? You have no idea what the settlement will be (if you get divorced). Second, if you will get your money back (assuming you sell the house) why are worried? Stop looking at all of her actions. RIGHT NOW SHE IS not the same person (hence “life crisis”). She may not be the same person for a while (no one here can tell you when and if she will wake up). Look man, you need to DETACH from her antics. You need to sit down and figure out WHAT YOU WANT in YOUR LIFE that does NOT revolve around HER. You need to stop thinking that she is YOUR BUDDY – she aint right now…at least NOT YET.

Detaching does not mean be an as*hole to her. It simply means that while she is in lala land that you begin to live your life as if she may not come back. You begin to live you life and change the things about you that YOU do not like. You begin to become the man that you always wanted to be. On that note, what kind of man do YOU want to be? What are your values (and please don’t tell me all about how you want to be a good husband…tell me about YOU!)?

she told me that I am not being fair and she should get to go out more

You want to avoid this chit from happening in the future…here is my suggestion. Draft up a parenting calendar and share it with her. Draft it so that it works with YOUR schedule. For example: On Mon, Tues she is responsible for your son. On Wed Thursday you are responsible, you guys can then alternate weekend. On the weekends that you do not have your son – make plans, GAL, do what you need to do. The parental responsibility will fall on her.

All of her other rants/comments about what you are doing – IGNORE.

am I wrong for doing this

Are you?

I am trying to GAL but I also am trying to keep her from having the freedom of a single person

1) “keep her”…hmmm…sounds a bit controlling to me. YOU can’t keep her from CHIT. YOU can’t keep her from wanting to live a single life. This is why you are pissed off and hurt. You are trying to “make her” wake up, trying to “make her” come to her senses. You can’t….only she can. You can though…be an as*hole and just make your own life more miserable.
2) The more time you spent looking at her, trying to anticipate her every move, every thought, trying to find out where she is, who she is with, etc….is all time you take from YOUR LIFE.

Sunny, you seem to be a nice guy and I know how much this crap [censored] and hurts dude. I do. A lot of us have been where you are at. The quicker you let her go………the quicker you ignore the bullchit that comes out of her mouth, the quicker you start to realize that YOU are not crazy, the quicker you start to look inside yourself and take this gift of TIME to become something bigger, better, become a man that YOU are proud of….Well that is when it will get better!

I believe you can do it!

Are you ready

To start

The real…..

WORK ON YOU!

[ericmsant2]

Tough look in the mirror for me.

But that is where we LBS HAVE TO look...for US, ours kids and who we are going be from this day forward.

Kind of like two paths here...grace, or bitterness and resentment.

You choose your path, let her choose hers.

Excellent ^^^^^ up there...excellent!

[AJM]

Tough look in the mirror for anyone, no?