Hello! 20 year marriage teetering on the brink...

[AnotherStander]

Well I thought by now I'd only be journaling once a week, but it seems like I learn something new every day that warrants journaling about. I now think W has an EA going on. It's a young guy (35 or so) that she used to work with. He moved to New York, went through a nasty divorce and moved back down here. Since coming back he doesn't have many friends, so he's actually done stuff with our family before BD (for example, he went with us to MIL's house last year for Thanksgiving). Since BD I've gotten a hint here and there that W is interested in him, but it didn't sound like he was reciprocating. Last night I was talking to D15 and she mentioned she was mad because this guy went with them to get the puppy (an hour drive each way). W had promised D15 that she'd let her pick the puppy out. Well D15 fell in love with one, but W wasn't sure she wanted it and OM told W "do what you want, she'll have to get over it" and it really PO'd D15. She was still mad talking about it last night. Anyway, this is the first I heard that OM went on this trip. So now it seems there may be more to this than I previously realized. I think it's still an EA on wife's part and have no idea if OM is even interested in her, but at this point it's beyond my control so all I can do is give her space and let it play out. If it progresses to PA then I'll have to decide if it's a deal killer as far as reconciliation. It's very upsetting, especially in light of the fact that W said she wanted to move to have time alone and had no plans on dating for quite a while.

D15 also said that whenever she asks W about our R, W tells her "that's adult stuff that you wouldn't understand". That really makes her mad too, because she wants to talk about it but W just shuts her down like that. I explained to her again that W is probably confused and isn't likely to tell her anything useful anyway.

I am finally getting around to reading other peoples sitchs in detail. I just wanted to thank you for the advice you have posted for me so far. I am new at DB and can offer little advice but the way you have handled yourself throughout all this is an example to us all.

Thank you, that's very kind I wish I could say I've done a good job of detaching, but I really haven't. I've gone dim, but my thoughts are constantly on W. I do miss her dearly, I fantasize about her having a sudden turnaround and coming home, I constantly question whether I'm doing the right thing in my DB approach. It really does eat me up. I wish I could just turn that switch off and fully GAL. This has been so tough, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

You know, you might continue what you are doing for another week or so and if you still are not seeing much from her then definitely consider dark and not dim.

It's not easy going dark with 3 kids though. We've had pretty minimal interaction the last few weeks, all of it kid-related. We go to D15's performances each Friday together with MIL and S9 just as a show of support. Then we do the kid handoff on Sundays. That's really the only times we see each other. There's a call here and there to discuss kid stuff. That's about it. I don't want the kids to think we hate or avoid each other, so I think it's best to stay on friendly terms for their benefit. But when we talk it's pretty light fluffy stuff, it's about like the conversations you'd have with a neighbor.

I wanted to also pat you on the back because you have really offered tons of help and advice to everyone! Your presence here on the forum is wonderful! Thanks again!

Thank you, that's heartwarming to read Posting in other people's threads actually helps me keep my sitch in perspective too. I'm so close to it that each day seems like a month, but in reading other sitches and reaching out to those people it helps to remind me that this is a marathon and that I need to stay the course and not have any expectations. And repeating DB techniques to others helps reinforce it in my own mind as well. I had a professor in college who once mentioned to me that he admired how I helped the other students when they had trouble, and then he said "but it helps you as much as it does them, doesn't it?" And I said "yes, you may think you understand something, but when you try to explain it to someone else it really makes you realize what you do and do not understand about it!" I hadn't really thought about it until he asked the question.