I need some urgent advice if anyone willing please (and thanks for everything so far).
W just announced she has put deposit on a house. I had a major backslide. Did'nt resort to begging/pleading but initiated relationship talks.
I basically told her that I did not want her to leave, that I thought we could have a chance for a new marriage etc etc.
She was shocked stating that she thought I had accepted her decision etc. I said I had accepted it but did not mean I agreed with it.
We had a talk about R, her issues re years of resentment chipping away at how she felt, she feels that she cannot go on living with me without the intimacy etc. That she does not think she loves or could ever love me again like she thinks she should feel about her H. That she does not hold me on a pedestal like she should a H, does not respect me like she should etc. She said that with her those feelings have gone too far and that there is no way back for her.
She then talked more about the anger with the changes (my 180's) has brought on and why could I not have done this years ago. I said I understand that the anger/resentment would be difficult to let go of, but the changes were not made to win her back, they were for me. She says she knows they were for me and she admires me for that.
But I did not leave it there unfortunately....I then went onto say that I did not fully understand why she would not get help with the anger/resentment and that whilst I accept her choice I still feel that if she could overcome the anger/resentment then who could possibly tell what she would feel in the future. Obviously this got her defences up (my mistake!) and straight away she responds by saying she accepts the anger/resentment and has thought about it but she knows how she feels, does not need help overcoming it and she has made her choice. I did not respond as I realised I was pushing.
She then starts to talk some more. About how she feels worthless, that she has to ask me to be a guarantee for the property, that she had to use our joing account to pay the deposit, that she has no money of her own etc. She then starts laying into both our families how she feels they talk down to her, don't respect her etc (She could not be further from the truth). Per my earlier posts family have tried to help, however, she viewed the offers as her not coping and has always rejected help. They then stopped offering. She is now saying that by asking to help they were stating she could not cope, that it ruined her self esteem and that we all made her feel worthless.
She then had a go at me that when I talked about work in the past that I showed no appreciation of the fact that she used to have a career and knows what it is like in the workplace.
She then said and I quote "well I have changed, they can all F off because I know my own mind now".
I did not respond other than to tell her that I have always respected her, that she has never been worthless in my eyes and that I know more than anyone what she has had to deal with over the years with S with disabilities.
She then said she needs my support moving, but she would do it with or without my support. I responded by saying that although I did not want her to go, that I would be there for her and S.
She has now gone out (her best friends birthday).
Okay - I am now thinking that my sitch is one of those that is going to end up in D. That I am not sure what my next move should be and am worried that I have undone a lot of my previous work by having the conversation we did.
I am looking for re-assurances more than anything - that this can be saved, or an honest opinion that it is too far gone, or is it like I originally thought and an MLC, that I need to let her go through this and see where she ends up. I am just not sure anymore as part of me thought that the longer she was in our home, the more time she would have to see the change and slowly consider that there might be something worth re-building after all.
I feel that once she has gone then our chances of R will be all but gone.
Please can anybody advise on this as I am feeling pretty helpless at the moment. I am not ready to quit, but feel like a big part of hope has just gone out the door.
Bad night last night. Not much sleep, 1 W came back from friends house and carried on as normal. Feelin kinda lost this morning and and rly havin to motivate myself to go to work.
Feel like I need a break from it all to keep my head but not sure it wld be such a good idea just yet.
W stated she will need lots of help with move etc as the house she is going to is a mess. I don't really want to help the way I feel at the moment but if I love her I shld help.
Keep thinkn about my S and not being able to tuck him in bed everynight and see him everyday. All stuff I suppose u take for granted when they're at home. Eldest just gone to uni last week so it really will be quiet around here.
Trying hard not to blame myself after stuff she's said and keep analysing sitch for how I cld have done things differently. I know is shldnt so need to snap out.
I need some urgent advice if anyone willing please (and thanks for everything so far).
Her leaving is not the end of it. It's not over until you decide it's over. There's always hope. Often a WAS cannot get their thoughts sorted until they leave, so this may be a necessary step in the recovery process. Think of it that way. As far as advice, you've received some great advice in this thread already. Go back and reread it and live it. Detach. GAL. Work on yourself. Give her space and time. Drop your expectations. Read DR constantly.
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She was shocked stating that she thought I had accepted her decision etc. I said I had accepted it but did not mean I agreed with it.
Don't disagree with her. Remember to always validate her emotions. When you disagree with her you're applying pressure to her to do things your way. Right now it's all about her way.
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But I did not leave it there unfortunately....I then went onto say that I did not fully understand why she would not get help with the anger/resentment and that whilst I accept her choice I still feel that if she could overcome the anger/resentment then who could possibly tell what she would feel in the future.
Avoid this kind of talk in the future, you're telling her that there is something wrong with her that needs fixing. You're telling her that her feelings and emotions are wrong and that yours are right. No matter how accurate your statement, this is what she's hearing and it's driving her farther away.
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I did not respond other than to tell her that I have always respected her, that she has never been worthless in my eyes and that I know more than anyone what she has had to deal with over the years with S with disabilities.
That's not a bad response, but remember to validate her feelings too. For example, when she's expressing frustration over family, say "it sounds like you are very frustrated and angry over the way the family has communicated to you, I can understand why you feel that way and I'm sorry you've had to go through this". That sort of thing. You're not agreeing or disagreeing, but validating her emotions.
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Okay - I am now thinking that my sitch is one of those that is going to end up in D. That I am not sure what my next move should be and am worried that I have undone a lot of my previous work by having the conversation we did.
Read DR for comfort. Backslides happen, just look at it as a learning experience and go from there. D may or may not happen, it's way too early to know that for sure. Her moving out is going to change the dynamics quite a bit. Just stick with your 180's and give her time and space. I helped my W move because I felt like it was the right thing to do, but I've since gone dim to give her space. I've seen zero progress and actually things seem to have gotten worse in the last couple of weeks. But this is a marathon, so I'm keeping my eyes on the goal rather than getting caught up in what happens day-to-day.
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I feel that once she has gone then our chances of R will be all but gone.
Not sure where you got that impression. Many of the reconciliation stories here came about after separations.
AnotherStander, thanks again. I am starting to learn a lot about myself with all of this - in part how I am reacting when I don't feel in control of a sitch! Wonder if that makes me controlling?
I agree that moving out may do us both some good. I am obviously public enemy no1 in W eyes - she's just had another rant cos I tidied some paperwork and have apparently made it worse!
Sorry to hear your sitch has not improved. I sincerely hope ur W sees how strong u are. You certainly seem to be handling this better than me.
I just feel such a mixture of emotions that I can't see the wood for the trees. I think the space wld do me good in a way to help re focus.
AnotherStander, thanks again. I am starting to learn a lot about myself with all of this - in part how I am reacting when I don't feel in control of a sitch! Wonder if that makes me controlling?
No, you're a LBS, just like the rest of us We all want to control the sitch, to dictate its direction and to fix things. But we can't. We just have to back off, and because that's the opposite of what we want to do it's VERY difficult for us.
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Sorry to hear your sitch has not improved. I sincerely hope ur W sees how strong u are. You certainly seem to be handling this better than me.
Thank you, you are too kind I have had major ups and downs throughout this experience. There were times that I was not strong at all, in fact it scared me to discover just how weak and vulnerable I was. I'm in a better place now, but the rebuilding continues.
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I just feel such a mixture of emotions that I can't see the wood for the trees. I think the space wld do me good in a way to help re focus.
I know exactly what you mean. After BD I knew W would be leaving, but didn't know when. The range of emotions I went through was unbelievable. I was a wreck. It actually did get better after she moved, it was a lot easier to detach and focus on me after that. So yes, it can actually help not just W, but you too.
Ok another entry. SIL gets in touch today, says not heard from W since text shortly after BD saying we were splitting. W sent her family the same text. No details other than not to contact her yet.
I agree to go and see her (she just got out of hospital) but did not want W to know. W does not want her family meithering. I get on v well with them but don't see them too often.
SIL starts saying she is convinced W has deep depression. That she saw her a while back and could tell she was not coping and has hit a brick well. Told me a number of issues from childhood aand her previous marriage that W had not told me. That ex was physically abusive. But that W had been talking more about these issues over the last few month. Why wld W not tell me?
The depression bit was what a mutual friend said to me after she met W the other week. That W was shaking, looked exhausted etc
Hi all, have got a dilemma I cld use some help with. Wife needs me to be a guarantor for the property she found. Landlord won't lease it to her without that. There is a possibility she cld find someone else but criteria are strict and not sure if she knows anyone.
What shld I do. Friends say no way. If it is mlc it worries me. However I don't want to be the one holding her back. Not sure about db principles with this one. If I said no it wld keep her in the house longer, but she wld obviously hate me for it.
Please help as rly not sure what to do for the best. Not thinkin clry at the best of times at month.
"Wife needs me to be a guarantor for the property she found."
I’m guessing that would make you financially responsible if she defaults? If this is the case, can you comfortably afford to cover this? That is the first consideration.
If no, then there’s your answer.
If yes, then talk with her about it. Express your concerns and expectations. You could even draw up a contract.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Wife needs me to be a guarantor for the property she found. Landlord won't lease it to her without that.
If she walks away from the property then what would be your financial responsibility? Personally if it were me I would not do it, in my personal opinion this is part of what the WAS has to face. If they want to leave then they need to work out the details of how to make that work. I did help my W set up her house (assemble furniture & such) since it benefited my kids, but financially I left that to her to figure out.
Thanks guys, have just informed W that I wld need more details. That I wld not be happy if long term lease but for a few months until she gets on her feet then possible.
The lease is 12 months. I wld be liable for all damage, rent etc if she abandoned plus a credit default to me name!
I said I need to think about it, that 12 mths is a long time and a lot cld change. Well she spat! Said that I owe her this for the last 13 yrs marriage, that the house is not just for her, that it is a big ask of someone else and that she does not know many people who wld pass the scoring.
I tick with needing some time, she keeps going, crying, saying that she is trapped, that she is owed this etc etc. She keeps on losing her temper. Then she says don't worry I won't be asking anything from u in 12mths time, and what cld possibly happened in 12mths. I kept with the let me think it through(I an seriously undecided) but she kept on about what else cld she do. Well I took the bait and said a lot cld happen in 12mths, if anyone wld have asked me 12 mths ago that we wld be separating I wld have said no chance.
I know and am starting to think I am just naturally bad at this. As expected she thought I was punishing her! Believe me there is nothing I want more for her to be happy and have a decent home for kids. But I do agree with AnotherStander that that this is part of what a WAS has to face. However, our circs are different in that W has not been able to work, have proper independence because of S with special needs.
Hence the need to think about it. But the rent is expensive for her benefits and I cld not afford the difference.
I don't want this to be another thing she holds against me which she wld do if I refuse likelihood is she will not get the house and will have to look for something sig cheaper.
We all want to control the sitch, to dictate its direction and to fix things. But we can't. We just have to back off, and because that's the opposite of what we want to do it's VERY difficult for us.