Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Journal:
Went to bed with the question of: "Without mentioning M, R, D, what is making me unhappy?" I found that on another thread.

I woke up. My answer was I am lonely and have been for several years. I have also always been 'waiting' for something. Waiting for a job change, waiting for schedule changes. Waiting. I don't enjoy 'now'. In the now, I am treading water but don't know if I am waiting to get rescued, or if eventually I will swim. No progress.

I had the oddest thought when I woke up this morning. When I think about H, it was like a giant screen of static. Nothing discernible, no feelings, no thoughts. No 'what ifs'. Just a bunch of nothing.
Him at his place sleeping on the floor. Nothing. I even thought about him getting into a relationship with yet another person. How I would handle that. Nothing.

The last time he had a 'mental' problem 10 years ago, we were separated for 6 months. During that time we were in love, it was that he couldn't handle life. He had no purpose. I remember that I was concerned that I didn't care as much at the end of 6 months. I am not concerned anymore. The gaping hole is starting to scar up.

I haven't emailed him, I called twice yesterday. No relationship talk then. I don't plan on calling today. He will need to initiate any conversation. He's made it evidently clear that he does not want to talk to me whatsover. SO, my part is the genie in the bottle, as I've always been for him: "As you wish."

Still waiting for house to sell. I have stuff to sell inside.
I'd like to get a month done of the 100's workout. Each day. It's something I can do at home.
This weekend, like to go to church on Sunday and then hiking with S.
S has some school activity nights, like movie nights. I will take him to that.