How do we live "together separate"?

[mizjjd]

We have been married for 20 years and have 4 children, S19, D18, twin Ss16. I am 43, he is 54. I am his third wife, he has 3 other children (all grown, 2 with children of their own - 5 grandkids with 1 on the way). This is my 2nd marriage; 1st was brief with no children.

Our marriage has not been paradise for a very long time but I really thought it was "ok" and chalked the lacks up to personality traits. If I were to grade the marriage I'd say C+ or B most of the time.

There have been 3 affairs that I know of. I found out about the 2nd one first. It was after 6 years of marriage and was with a girl who worked for my H. He even had me (stay at home mom) watch her son while... At the time of his confession of the affair he did not apologize and would not commit to being faithful in the future because having the affair just made him feel so good. I felt the kids were better off with an intact family so I sucked it up and stayed despite the anguish in my heart.

I didn't have suspicion of any wrong doing after that affair for many years. H even managed a genuine apology about 2 years after that A, and life went on. Then, a couple of months ago an old gf of H's contacted him through FB. He told me about the contact, and about what she had to say regarding catching up etc. This went on a few days then abruptly she dropped from his conversation. Other intangible "things" set off my radar and when he left his email open at the end of August I started going through it. He had saved dozens of pornographic messages from the old gf. Many that said how they couldn't wait to be together, how leaving her had been a mistake.

I immediately sent her an email demanding she cease and desist and then phoned H at his job to confront him with what I knew. He said talking to her was "closure" for him and the porn was all her doing. There was enough of his own writing in what he had saved that I knew this was not true. (In his writing he also confessed to an A I had not previously known about.) She has blocked him from her FB accounts and I think for now they are not in contact - she lives about 400 miles away.

After the confrontation H expressed desire to find someone to talk to. He doesn't have any friends and doesn't like the idea of professional help so that left him with me. In the interest of saving the marriage I tried to be objective and put aside my own heartache to help him with what he called "baggage". He felt there must be some large and compelling reason for him to be unfaithful because he simply doesn't see himself as "that kind of person".

Imagine my surprise to find out his "baggage" was me. I thought it would have been childhood events or past R and M events but no. Just all me. Doesn't love me and doesn't want a future with me. Can't remember when he did love me. But, doesn't want to break up until the twins turn 18 in 2 more years. Until then he wants to live "together separate".

I don't know exactly how that is supposed to work and his only advice is that I just deal with it. He is very calm and serene, says he feels so much better now that he has his baggage off his chest. I am the opposite in every respect.

My online research has convinced me he is full fledged MLC - and there's a motorcycle in the driveway to prove it. I grasp the GAL and 180 concept but have serious financial obstacles to doing anything. I lost my job in February and H got laid off/fired yesterday - in a large part due to his MLC.

I have managed to quell my tears for the most part and do NOT bring up our R. He has talked to me of himself just a bit lately; the death of his favorite sister (14 years ago, about the time of his first 2 affairs) is weighing heavily on his mind and heart. We haven't had sex in a couple of weeks but he recently reinstated his nightly massages. The kids, especially the older 2, may suspect something but I doubt they have any idea of the severity of what's happening.

I would love to hear from others who have experienced the "together separate" lifestyle.