busted affair again!

[newman7977]

25 thanks for the time keeping me in check, here are my responses:

Journal:

Yesterday, like any other weekends started extra focus on 180s, GAL, & detachment. Weekends are normally tougher to focus on these things because I'm with w pretty much all day.

Why don't you GAL with a child of yours? Get away from w and give her a break and give her some space AND let her see your child return with a happy smile.


That was my original plan, but thought I'd be cordial to W and invite her where she said yes. I'm really ok if she doesn't go but it did felt good that she was with us.

Yesterday sat (9/28) rode my bike in the morning. We then went to funeral service. At this service, I kept my 180s by being independent.
I usually follow my W's lead in any gathering but this time I was a big boy. I didn't follow her around if I didn't like to.


this^^^ change is mandatory. The behavior you are describing puts your wife in a Parent mode and that's not healthy or attractive. So I'm glad you see this. Also, did your w need comforting at this funeral? IF SO, it'd be nice if she had a partner she could lean on, instead of another child to care for...

Yes I thought about putting my arms around her but I didn't want her to feel awkward. She doesn't want me to touch her at all...she recoils. In the same feeling i didn't want to feel rejected.


I don't know how to explain this but at one point s13 and I ended up in a good spot (sorry didn't mean to be insensitive abou the funeral) but a good spot where I can hear the grieving H's speech. Before you know it here comes my W standing next to me, in a few more occasions my w was following me around. I say this because I feel good and for once I can make my decision--maybe I'm finally detaching?

Maybe...or you are becoming more aware of how needy it is for you have her handling your social behaviors.


Well I really felt independent more than needy, in the past I really dependent on her. More like complacency. But these days I'm starting to feel more of an individual rather than always counting on her.

We went to dinner after that--a few observations from W, pretty much all day that I would noticed she would be blanked out then try to brush it off. I think what's happening is the withdrawal from OM. It sux but what can I do? [/s]

Stop mind reading. Really, just focus on YOUR WORK ON YOU b/c it's the only thing you can control and from your description, you have some work to do.


Crap I fell for mindreading you're right...


Today sun (9/30): another good day, nothing really extraordinary other than consistent 180s. It was FILs bday so we took him out to eat lunch. We had a good time, s3 pretty much kept me busy, this is actually the first time in a long time my W had a peaceful lunch since s3 was just all over me. Sometimes I feel bad that my w might feel left out because s3 kept looking for me. I think I have to watch this because I don't want my w to feel left out with the kids. Is there such a thing of overdoing my 180s wih the kids?

NO there's not an overdoing being with your kids, in this^^^ context. Your wife got a break so she could have a nice lunch. That's a good thing, period.

Her feeling left out is NOT YOUR problem - AND it's your mind reading so it's likely not even true AND even if it were, so what?

You are doing way too much mind reading. Just stop it.

Focus on your work on you...I cannot stress that enough. YOU WASTE time and energy by not looking in the mirror for what to work on...


But this is really what I feel, especially knowing that my future my mean I'll only see them 50% of the time...this 180 is sincere.


Stop letting your fears and projections about tomorrow, decide your life's happiness TODAY.

Yep definitely fears of the unknown for sure and TODAY will be my focus...I keep anticipating tomorrow.

You are creating a lot of the chaos in your life right now.

Well my life is chaotic already anyway, but you're right I'm creating extra waves.

Your wife said she wants to make it work.

She is trying I see it and really appreciate her doing so.

Your wife apologized for an EA/possible PA and has ended it.

I just have trust issues on this that I got to work on. She said these lines before last year and this year too. 25 she breach my trust. Does the LBS eff'd up so bad that he's NOT entitled to have TRUST issues? Like any hurt feelings, we have to get over this and will take time. I choose to forgive and it's taking me some time to trust her again but it's coming back i feel it.

Your wife has made several loving gestures to you.

YOU keep obesssing about OM and "what if?" and letting your wounded ego make YOU feel bad...and then staring at your w and mind reading, almost ALL of which is negative...

so, who is damaging the family NOW?

You are...

I think you telling her sibling about the EA was a huge mistake and it got you nowhere. In fact you're surprised they did not tell the rest of the family but to me

they're smart. They were able to see that the more people who know, the harder it is for your w to believe YOU can get past this. If you want to keep the road home, paved and smooth...then STHU.

Your inlaws may resent you for trying make her look bad and you must realize that making her look bad, OR TRYING TO,

does not make you look good. Don't forget, your d, and your inlaws witnessed the marriage and in some eyes, you don't look so great.

So keep the marital issues IN the marriage. Don't be the obstacle to reconciliation. Back off and show her loving detachment.

I don't tell anyone and not planning on telling anyone else. I do regret telling my mom and sister, it was a reaction that i didn't think through. I know deep down they don't want me to get hurt. I don't even mention the sitch to them and my SIL. Because I know what will help me is the neutral party. This community.

And you might even apologize for what your flaws are instead of harping on what SHE did and what SHE MIGHT do...

b/c if she doesn't think you can get past this, what's the point of her trying?

This is true, she told me this and concern that I wouldn't let this go. I'm working on it. I backslid big time after the second EA contact.

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I'm trying to break that wall to get to my W's emotion back (one of my goals) I think I have the recipe to slowly chip that away (by keeping the light talks with W, her work, kids). Please point it out to me if this is some kind of pursuing.

It's both pursuit and manipulation. Why not focus on how to be a better h and dad? Let her learn to relax around you and NOT with expectations on your end.

Ok I thought this would be a good goal. I'm trying to give her what OM gave her an emotional support. I thought this would be ok. I can be a good dad, and proving that now I'm confident about it. But a good H, I don't know anymore. I thought I was doing good but from your observations I haven't done anything good as a H. I'm confused, what can I do? I'm giving her space like she'd asked me too, I'm not touching her per her wishes, I'm helping in the house, I'm helping with the kids, I'm more independent etc. The other thing that I know a H would do is to display affection, love, going out, sleeping in the same bed but I can't do these things right now because of the sitch. What else can I do?

Build on the times where no conflict arises, then keep things warm and light. Then build on relaxing around each other. Rent comedies, or go to one. Who said you can't take her out to something as long as it's not overtly romantic?

Ok ^^^this is what I've been trying to do the laughter and no conflicts except to going out. She won't go out with me unless the kids are there. She doesn't want anything to do with me solo.

Laugh together. It is a bonding experience and as long as you don't stare at her to take the R temperature, she can learn to have FUN with you around

and not think she has to be intimate later on.

Can you just give her love, and not feel (or show) disappointment when you don't get sex in return? Can you Focus on giving, without getting?
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I want to get some of her emotions back before OM tries to contact her. As far as i know, Its almost a month since the last contact with OM. if it is I suspect OM is getting desperate and will try to lure my w again. It is really up to her how she would handle this. I honestly feel that she would be a fool to choose OM. And I'm hoping some of our positives will be enough to deflect OMs advances.

^^^this is all about you manipulating to control the outcome. ALL this energy could be spent on YOU building bonding experiences but instead you worry about the outcome...ie what you will get and when.

Do you understand what I mean here?

Ironically, you need to work on controlling how controlling you are.


Anyway,I feel better, I feel good, my kids reciprocate my love. In some ways I feel complete and of course the pain of the sitch is still there but neverthe less i feel better.

Why wouldn't you feel "Complete"? If you think you "need" your w to feel complete, you ought to discuss that with an IC.
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[color:#333399]What I meant about not feeling complete is my W's love is missing. It left me a gaping hole in my heart. It's just it I feel something is missing. 18yrs and all of a sudden that person is not the same...that's what I mean. Yes I'll bring it up to my IC.[/color]

There's no shame in that. But clearly your self esteem is far too attached to what you think she thinks...and that's giving someone else too much power AND it's also an abdication of your own responsibilities.

You control your happiness and you ought to be in charge of how you socially interact instead of hoping your w can lead you.


Complacency in gatherings and lazyness on my part. I just settled at my W to do all the talking. I am working on this. I'm an individual, I can't explain it. At work, since my W is not there I interact I have no choice. I'm an individual if that make sense.

This is sexist but IMO, the truth is, few women want to parent their h's.

MOSTLY, We don't want to lead. We want to partner with our h's or be lead by them, although always lovingly.
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I hope these feelings doesn't dip down, the good thing is that I have control to handle these feelings.

Yes you can control these feelings so you don't have to "hope" they don't dip down, etc. Take charge of your life and that will begin with emotional control of your own behavior.

Oh one more thing, for the first time since the bomb, my w actually hit me on my shoulders while we attended back to school night at s13's school last week. I was kidding around with her didn't even remember what it was but out of her laughter she hit me...that remind me back in the days when we were dating. I think I can claim this as an action base on emotion. I'll take it as a small response from my work in a month lol.

Geez one month, and a hit on the shoulders...there's a LOT of work to do. But it's ok as long as I see little improvements it's worth it.

Newman

How long do you think she felt alone in the m? How long were her needs unmet? I think you know It was more than one month.


And let me ask you this question...it's a tough one but really try to be honest...

are you sure you want to reconcile, or are you just not wanting to lose to OM?

I want to reconcile 25, I really do. Thats why I'm here and don't need any more effs up, I need help I recognize that. It's been mentioned here on the boards it's mR will not go nowhere if the OP is in the relationship and to cut all contacts with OP and I believe that. I just want to work my R with my W without OM's influence is that too hard to ask? Honestly it's not about OM winning or me winning. I just want that chance with my W. I know I eff'd up big time in the past I can't get that back and fix, but I just want a chance and if my W still feels she can not be with me, I will respect that and will move on.

I mean, let's be brutally honest for one minute.

You admit that your w DID tell you she was not happy many times. You did not change.

So, why did it take OM to get you to wake up and take it seriously

Because I was an idiot. I didn't pay attention to my W's complaint. I settled, I was comfortable, I was lazy...If only I can turn back the clock I would. I understand these changes might be too late, and I get that. But hopefully she will believe me that I will NOT go back to my old ways. It is a wake up call afterall.

(AND play the victim??) Even now, I'm not sure what positive behaviors you are doing as a h to counter her negative images. I know you are now paying attention to the children more, but as a man, as a partner , how are you showing her that marriage to you can be better and different?

Yes the victim card, I got to change this. Again this is where I get confused. I thought I was doing good giving her space, no pressure, no pursuit, no Ily's, no touching etc...The hugs, cuddling, kisses, affection these things I can't do right now. I mentioned some 180s...what else can I do? Help me out.

IOW

Do you want HER back or do you just want to "win"?

I want her back I truly do. I miss her more than anything. This is why I'm here to do it the right way. I couldn't do it myself, I did all the wrong things.

I know I messed up in my M, she did too it's really both of us. Ok she was more unhappy than i was. I thought we have a good M that had that normal ups and downs just like everyone else.

There are times I felt unhappy, like I felt I wasn't her priority or I felt lonely but I didn't got tangled with OP. That was her decision. I know we are different, she needed to fulfill her needs emotionally.

Perhaps it is part of my upbringing that an A is a dealbreaker. But my mentality has changed, I have kids that will get affected by a D. So even though I got hurt by her actions I chose to forgive. Just like you said, where the "head goes the heart will follow." That's what I'm doing for forgiveness. But just like the consistent changes that the LBS' do, forgiveness also take time.

I realize I have to forgive to really save my M. I've got a lot of valuable information in this site and in the last 18 months of this ordeal I really got tested and I grew and learn a lot about myself. I still have the old habits such as the anger, controlling, and insecurities to work on.

25 thanks for taking the time with me. I hope you keep me in check. I really read your post carefully and after reading and reading and reading them, the more I feel patient with my wife.

We both have to forgive I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me as well as herself.


Newman