I think I see the picnic!

[2chiquitos]

Labug - "what is he doing about it?" pulling me in. which is why I'm struggling to detach! he makes choices that I wish he had made before. Ex. he is working at not having a codependent relationship with his mother - doesn't answer her calls as often, doesn't visit her as often, doesn't involve her in his affairs as much, etc.

Another ex. he is willing to put things aside for the kids and I - he will skip teaching spin class 3 thurs in a row to do things with us. HE NEVER DID THIS BEFORE!!! this is big.

Also, another big one. his friend bought him a plane tix and stadium tix to see the 49er game in oct. We are VERY tight with money. His friend did this without telling H as he has done before but now H can't pay him back.

So H told him, I'll pay you the plane tix over the course of 2mos but I can't pay the stadium tix. Friends said, don't worry I'll spot you. H said he would rather pass. This is BIG!

SS- This is why I want to make changes in our arrangement because I want control! I feel like I am following his lead and I hate it!

However, I read in an Al Anon meditation book recently that I don't need to make drastic changes all at once. I can do them in small steps. So I decided to start with this...

-I don't contact MIL unless she contacts me. She is very manipulative and a bit toxic.

-I will no longer attend his family gatherings if he's not there. I was doing this after we separated to prove to him that I am willing to connect with his family. I've done my work now I can back off.

-After I make breakfast, I walk away and get ready. I don't allow for there to be too much conversation. (I also need to do this at night when we have more emotional intimacy)

-I work at focusing on my needs, parenting myself, attending meetings often, healing myself, caring for my kids, etc.

busting,
I'm definitely on the same page as you. I don't want to react. I want to act. I've reacted to things my entire life and now that I'm much more clear headed I want to make the right decisions for myself and my kids. This is much harder than reacting! but with less negative consequences.

Journaling,
I realized after a few days that after I told MC I wanted to detach without hurting everyone involved, MC was trying to get H to give me some sense of security. This is why H was saying that he can't imagine me with someone else, that he misses me (and the kids), that he wants to come back.

But he says all this while still talking to OW. It's means NOTHING!

I want to share something funny (not hilarious, wierd). Yesterday we spent the afternoon at SILs pool. H left and said goodbye to everyone. He gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. I was a little surprised since he hasn't done that in oh like 1.5yr! but not excited since he does the same with his mom and sis (never w me).

Take care everyone, Have a GREAT TUESDAY!!!