Zoo, sometimes you remind me of my W. Sounds like a frustrating time.
YOu kind of took me back to the "5 love languages" book. It was always important to my W for me to help with dishes, etc. Romance was another area. I did what was neccessary or convienient, I guess, not really internalizing the importance of this. Anyway, 5LL made me realize - W was telling me ways to love her. It wasn't about farily diving up chores or buying the token bouquet of flowers, it was about ways to love her. She tried to tell me but I didn't get it. Now I do.
Sounds like your H doesn't get it. He doesn't understand the importance of what you're telling him. If my W had ever said to me "I feel unloved," I would have been aghast, but she never did until the bomb dropped. I would have taken that seriously. If she would have then handed me instuctions about how to love her maybe I would have gotten it.
Michele says to ask for what you want, and you are Zoo. That's good. Somehow your H isn't getting it. Now, I don't mean to butt in (but that's what we do here, eh? ) but it seems to me that maybe you're waiting for him to "get it" and getting resentful when he doesn't. These dynamics are HARD to change, but just a couple of thoughts - instead of "aren't you going to cuddle more," how about "I need to cuddle with you right now." That's what my W would do these days - kind of funny and direct at the same time. If he asks you what's wrong, tell him. If you're crying, give him the opportunity to know why. If he's inserting distance, you can't control him; if you're doing it too in response, you CAN control that.
I remember dynamics in my marriage where we had escalating behaviors of distancing, kind of like an arms race... getting more protective of ourselves, more resentful, more lonely.
Don't know if I'm making sense or if this even applies to your sitch, take it if it sounds right, leave it if it doesn't.
Not much but a hug to offer: (((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))
And an observation.
When I learned about the "give and ye shall receive" idea, I thought of it literally (as do many folks), but later on it came to me that what we "receive" when we give may not be tangible "pay backs" but rather the "gifts" of another's joy, of feeling good about ourselves, good karma..that kind of thing.
I'm kinda in the dumps myself...let's hang in there, shall we?
the words in the bible say "there is more happiness in giving than there is in recieving" - wonder why it would tell us that?
my thoughts...i think of the creation of the earth, how much god gave and gave ever before he ever put man on earth - this went on for thousands of years and for what benefit did he do that? just so that man could come on this earth and directly disobey him from day one
do you think he sits up there in heaven totally disappointed in his creations that he doesn't recieve any thankfulness? no...there are some that appreciate the gift of life, but he also has the inanimate objects he created that always give him pleasure without ever saying a word
we are supposed to be imitators of god, and in so doing we can gain the most happieness by giving like he did, without ANY expectations of return from ANY source. he did it for the joy of giving, and we should too
The weekend started out really well. H had read an article in the local paper about the overcrowding at the dog pound and asked if I wanted to go look at puppies Sat. (we have been looking for another dog for a few months) to see if they might have what we were looking for. We went in and I have to admit that I just wanted to cry Soooo many sweet dogs without homes....
We looked at older dogs first then went to look at puppies. H pretty much fell in love with a little pit-bull female but I wasn't completely sold yet I told him we needed to look at the older dogs again before making a firm decision. I drew his attention to a young Golden Ret. mix who I noticed had yet to bark. Needless to say this beautiful "Lady" (her name) now lives with us and HOGS the bed! She has pretty firmly attatched herself to H too which is good considering all of the other animals have their noses so far up my butt that I can't move for tripping over someone
So all is well, H had to work Sat but only went in for @ 20 min. We went out to eat with my parents and had a good time. Took Lady home to meet the menagerie and had no real problems (my Lab-Pit mix wasn't overjoyed at first but she seems to have gotten over it), spent the night cuddled up and chit-chatting...H started to look inot getting chickens??
Sun. rolls around and wouldn't you know it...I woke up with this driving NEED t discuss H's views regarding R. I THOUGHT I was going about things right...didn't start off with "we need to talk", "I have a question", "I think.." or anything like that. I asked H what he thought of the progress of the R, did he think it was still moving forward well or did it seem stuck? I got my head bit off!! H siad that HE thought R was great but obviously I didn't and felt stuck and wasn't happy (???) I asked him HOW did he get that from what I just asked him? I told him that I was confused about our sex-life lately and didn't understand what was going on...H said i haven't been in the mood is all. Now here is PROBABLY where I went partially wrong...I told H that I felt I had a valid concern here because the LAST time this started happening in our sex-life things didn't turn out so well. I didn't want that happening again.
That sent H over the edge...said I had just made sure that there wasn't going to be any sex now. Said, why didn't I ever learn to just shut up. I went on the defensive then I jumped up and said " WHY do you have to do this? WHY do you make it UNSAFE for me to ask you anything? WHY do you feel the need to punish me for ANY question that I ask regardless of it's content??
That shut him up. For a little bit anyway
A bunch more crap got bandied back and forth...more of the same old really, H asking why i gotta analyse all the time, why can't I just accept what he says as being the truth and quit looking for more or doubting what he is telling me
Then I asked him "why can't you tell me what I do RIGHT? You readily tell me what I do WRONG but the only thing you tell me I do right is cook. I am well aware of what I do wrong...you make that clear but if I knew what I did right then I would be better at doing it." H starts telling me that he DOES tell me what I do right, the finances,taking care of him and the house, he thanks me when I do things etc. I told him that those are things, acts but what do I do right EMOTIONALLY?
H says "ILY, I cannot imagine my life without you in it".
I told him "I NEED to hear that, to be told that by you. That is something that I can't guess at nor will I make assumptions about it."
I guess that got his attention because he hugged me. I dropped the convo then. The rest of the day we didn't talk to each other a whole lot but it was more of an ameniable silence. H actually ended up being productive...built himself a work bench and rearranged the laundry room to accomodate it (cleaning it in the process!) He asked me for help with the work bench and thanked me when we were done. I used reading a book to keep myself occupied so i wouldnt bug him. The night ended well with snuggling and chatting about chickens again
Guess the chickens are going to be a go...he wants to order some in 2 weeks.
Maybe I'm silly or naive but I felt better about NOT letting the argument end with both of us walking away in the middle of it. That is our typical argument behaviour I don't expect H to remember what I told him during the argument but at least I got it off my chest and I feel better about it I don't know if this is productive or not but I just realized that H and I have probably argued more in the past few months then we did in our entire R prior to this (excluding the "bad" period). I guess that is reaching the goal of allowing confict to enter into our R...something we have both gone to great lengths to avoid in the past.
What did I learn from this:
H says exactly what he means...no more, no less. I have to REMEMBER that his thought process is NOT the same as mine. That one is taking an awfully long time to sink in...someone remind me of this later on when I get squirrely, please?! I have to also trust that if something IS wrong H will let me know, not leave it up to me to guess. H's moods are NOT my fault either, I need to beat this one in hard. More often then not they are actually work related...I need to let H tell me this in his own time rather then trying to push for it.
I need to STOP asking:
What's wrong? What are you thinking? Are you mad at me? Are you in a bad mood?
I'm beginning to think that if my first inclination is to address H with anything that begins with "what" and "are" I need to pull a plug on it. STOP before I ever get started.
I can feel the headache already
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I think you rightly picked out a MAJOR plus here...that you DID NOT go down the route of your usual arguments. That although EVERYTHING didn't get "solved" it ended amicably.
THAT is a major coup...arguments are inevitable, it's how we learn to handle them that counts.
I think you DID need to "check in" with your H on the "state of the union". Perhaps a more positive or open approach would have worked better.
He took what you said (which were assumptions about how HE was feeling?) to mean that YOU felt that way. If that IS correct, it's better to be more direct and own the feelings.
eg "H, I think things are going great with us these days, but I feel better about us when our sex life is on track..."
H says "ILY, I cannot imagine my life without you in it".
I told him "I NEED to hear that, to be told that by you. That is something that I can't guess at nor will I make assumptions about it."
But really, for the real world, I believe things turned out pretty great!
Quote: I think you DID need to "check in" with your H on the "state of the union". Perhaps a more positive or open approach would have worked better.
I thought I had approached it positively...I was smiling when I asked what HE thought and I was upbeat and I didn't preclude it with my usual "TALK" set-up?? Even when I mentioned the sex stuff I was carefull with the phrasing. I stated it as something that I was confused about and didn't understand...I didn't voice it in an accusatory manner nor lay the blame at H's feet for it. I was dumbfounded by his reactions...it was like he heard something TOTALLY different then what I said
I did try my best to dwell more on the positive aspects of the whole scenario. That "ILY...." statement went a long way with me
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
What's wrong? What are you thinking? Are you mad at me? Are you in a bad mood?
Gee, what will I say if I drop all these questions.
{{{{{{BOOBY}}}}}}}
That does present a quandry...lol. It has been difficult for me to break the habit too. What I have been trying to do when those questions start to bubble up is just squash them immediately or get up and walk out of the room. Walking out seems to work more effectively then the other Sometimes I will turn those wuestions into statements ie: "Are you in a bad mood" becomes "You look like you're not in the greatest frame of mind", generally followed up by walking out of the room . Many times H's reaction to this is "where are you going, I'm ______"
So, sometimes I'm good at doing what works and sticking with it...then there are other times when I am a major screw-up I try to own my mistakes and actions though and NOT blame H...9 times out of 10 it is my own foolishness anyways. The propensity to lay the blame in H's lap is there but I fight it...it's that whole action/reaction thing tossed in with assumptions and perception, an evil, wicked poisonous concoction that does no R/M any good.
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
) but it seems to me that maybe you're waiting for him to "get it" and getting resentful when he doesn't. These dynamics are HARD to change, but just a couple of thoughts - instead of "aren't you going to cuddle more," how about "I need to cuddle with you right now." That's what my W would do these days - kind of funny and direct at the same time. If he asks you what's wrong, tell him. If you're crying, give him the opportunity to know why. If he's inserting distance, you can't control him; if you're doing it too in response, you CAN control that.
I don't know if this is productive or not but I just realized that H and I have probably argued more in the past few months then we did in our entire R prior to this (excluding the "bad" period). I guess that is reaching the goal of allowing confict to enter into our R...something we have both gone to great lengths to avoid in the past.
