Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[Zoo]

Positives:

1. Woke up this morning and H grabbed my hand and said ILY Hon. A rare occurence.

2. H got back into bed and snuggled for a few minutes.

3. H is still being talkative.

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Journaling

I'm wonky again today. Despite the positives it still seems like there isn't enough momentum in the R.

The positive of snuggling was met by me with tears H got up close and wrapped his arms around me and got to nuzzling...I'm thinking mmmm...gonna and then H just rolls away and lays there staring up at the ceiling . I waited and waited, struggling to keep tears from getting out of control...finally I asked H if we were going to cuddle anymore---his response "I'm drinking my coffee." I'm sure ya'all can imagine how that made ME feel.

H then starts listening to the weather forecast and asks me where his watch hats were , I SNAPPED at him that they were in the washing machine since I had forgotten to put them in the dryer and that I guess I'd go put them in and MAYBE they would be dry by the time he left for work I got up and did this in a huff...H asked why I was being so pissy...I ignored him

I am doing my damnedest NOT to cry but everything he said just seemed to make it harder (nothing he said was even said angrily or negatively ). I am getting angry at myself for even WANTING to cry. I keep telling myself just a few more minutes and he'll be gone, you can hold on that long ; THEN H starts talking about having to WORK tomorrow. This DID NOT go over well with me since I had asked him last night if he had to work SAT and was told NO. I'm like "you said you didn't have to work Sat." and he said "I told you I did"...we went round and round and h finally says "I must not have been listening." Well, no Sh!t...that is the problem, YOU never listen!! All you do is tune me out! I didn't say this, just thought it

H finishes getting dressed and walks out in one of the pieces of clothing that is a TRIGGER of mine...his British Sniper Army smock (an army coat). THis particular article of clothing is something he previously has worn only to IMPRESS with, I think of it as one of his "tom-catting" coats (he has one other) This pretty much pushed me over the edge.

H says "give me a kiss...ILY" and finally walks out the door. I let the tears come...H WALKS BACK IN!!! I tried to turn away but wasnt quick enough. H asked me what was wrong and I said "nothing". He finally left.

I'm still struggling with anger and fear. My logic tells me that I am being unreasonable but something else keeps saying "that ain't so" I KNOW better then to expect H to behave the way some of the returned S's do. I know not to expect romance or long talks, date nights or flowery professions of love and remorse...to EXPECT these things is to set myself up for bitter disappointment so I set those wistful, wishful things aside and feel lucky that he has brought me home a couple of bottles of wine. I console myself with that one little piece of luck but it gets hard sometimes. Especially when my Mom comes in or calls and tells me that Pops brought her flowers home from work and then proceeds to tell me about a guy Pops works with who he has now gotten to take his wife flowers/cards/etc home as well and how happy and surprised the W is at this change in her H The H's response...he never knew/realized that his W liked that kind of thing.

I feel stupid that I am NOW amking such a big deal out of romance. It isn't like I have ever had it to any degree in any of the R's that I have been in. My X would just hand me a credit card and tell me to buy my own x-mas,b-day, v-day, anniversary gifts. H has only gone out of his way to get me something romantic once...our first v-day together ( and I think that happened because the guy he was with was shopping for his wife). Since then I have become the appliance queen

I have told H that a little romance is necessary, despite our intially telling each other it was not a priority. H even agreed. I have told him in plain language what I consider romantic adn I have tried to nudge him subtly. I downloaded an e-book "101 Romantic Ideas" thinking to show H through my own actions what words weren't accomplishing. H read it the other night before I had a chance to and promptly informed me that it was "Corny" and some of the things were even embarrassing He said he had to stop reading it after the first 10 suggestions
I asked him what he considered romantic...h said "I don't know but that isnt it." You would have thought this would be an opening for a conversation, right? WRONG! He pulled up the file for me to read the top 10 and after doing so I started to discuss one of them. H shuts the file down, pulls up one of his forums on the comp AND turns the TV up...pointedly ignoring me I walked out of the room.

This crap has me feeling really down. I read Kitti's Brian Tracy excerpt today about giving and it saddened me. I am a giver by nature...I always donate to charities, I was one to make house-calls when I worked in the pet store, helping people out with problem birds, clipping dogs nails for elderly people...animal rehab...I'm one of those people who would stop and change a flat for someone. I never expected nor accepted anything for these things, I just enjoyed doing them. Now most of that giving goes into my H...only I don't enjoy it so much anymore. The excerpt said that the giving is rarely returned by the recipient (I agree with this 100% )so one shouldnt expect reciprocation. This is SO true and I try to accept that. The excerpt also says that the return usually occurs elsewhere. My experience says that is hogwash There are people in this world that can give and give and give and NEVER get anything more in return then the knowledge that they gave selflessly and MAYBE the occasional thank you. You can say that the enjoyment itself, the knowledge, etc IS the return but is it? That isn't what I got from the excerpt, nor is it what I was taught in church or by my elders.

Give and Ye shall receive . Those words had a powerful affect on me when I was growing up...I like to think that they helped in the forming of the person that I am today. What was failed to be mentioned to me though was ... just don't EXPECT . I had to LEARN that. I waited and waited still giving and giving and then waiting some more. I know that all probably comes off as really bitter and probably even frought with self-pity but it isn't. It is the fact of my reality. It doesn't stop me from continuing to give either. It just means I give but don't receive. It means I get sad that I give a great deal to H knowing that my return will be minimal or nil but the sadness doesnt STOP me. It just makes me sad. On occasion it makes me angry but the anger is self-directed. I should know better .

Hugz,
Zoo