Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[Zoo]

Thanks for stopping in Kitti,

As far as I have been able to find out there are no E support groups near me I believe there is one in Evansville and there are a couple in Indy but I would be looking at a 45min-2hr.drive. Driving is not an option for me and the meetings are held at night. H works 2nd shift and Pops doesn't allow mom to drive out of town at night. I beat this one 10 ways to tues when I was having such a difficult time accepting my E...I resorted to the National Epilepsy Foundation's online forums to get the help that I needed.

Ya know, I never expected E to have so much control over my life. I have had friends before who had E and it never seemed like it was a big deal. They took their meds and everything was ok. I only saw one of them ever have a seizure but it wasn't anything like the type I have. I EXPECTED my meds to take care of everything and I would go back to work-pick up the manager position I was up for, drive and lead a normal life. No one at any time told me that it might take awhile to control the e or that I might never get it totally under-control. I probably would have done things a lot differently if I had been been better informed early on...namely I might not have married H

Uhg,
Zoo

[shinybear]

HI Zoo,

Forgive me if I miss a few pertinent points, but I've had a glass of vino...

First, re the friendships thing...I just posted a few thoughts on that to Jeannine.

It IS important to have people outside the M...way too much pressure otherwise and I DO worry about that with CJ..

I'm glad he's getting closer to D, handy as his W, H is my best pal!

Now let me be honest. I have a lot of friends. A few are very close, as are my sibs. Others are social pals...a typical birthday party in this circle might have a potential guest list of 20 - 40 people.

BUT we have lived here ALL of our lives. My "old" best pal, MJ and I have known each other since we were 4 years old!!

Our "newest" pals are friends of 10 + years. We are BLESSED.

One of the best things we ever did as a couple was to join a darts group...at a pal's house, semi-structred, and a LOT of fun...that's how we met those who became our core circle.

I also have friends that date back to high school!...not the norm, I realize. I used to also have a "girls lunch" every other month with W's of two of my highschool pals (I had mostly male friends in high school).

I'm due for lunch again with a fascinating woman who is working her way through her degree and was in my class 4 years ago...3 hours is rarely long enough.

However, if say, we'd just moved here...I can think of at least 7 women I've met just this term that I could have pursued a friendship with...from the counsellor at school (who I e-mailed after discovering she shared an interest in dream interpretation from her son who is in my class), to several students of similar age, colleagues....

It helps, no doubt, that I do (according to rumour ) have a rather engaging manner, and LOVE to talk...heck folks, I struck up a conversation with a 60+ gentleman in line at the grocery store (I commented on his Jamaican meat pastries), we chatted the entire time, he asked ME if I was one of HIS students!

Turns out he's a prof in the Education dept! He gave me his card...

Get out there people...need tips? Ask away.

Shiny (who has now finished the wine and realized this post is nothing short of obnoxious bragging, but whose frotnal lobes are sufficiently inhibited for her to hit "send" anyway!)

[Zoo]

LOL Shiny...I would never consider one of your posts as "obnoxious bragging

H and I have come up with a plan of sorts to improve our social life...well, H came up with it and asked if I would be interested . The problem right now is the time of year and there is a great deal of expense involved. What we are hoping to do is get involved in Cowboy Action Shooting. H just got the last weapon we will need to get started ( he wants to get me a revolver of my own but I told him that could wait, I have no problem handling one of his) and the press we need for re-loading our own ammo (MUCH cheaper that way) should be in next week. That just leaves the period clothing...where I have run into a bit of a problem. Reproductions of women's period clothing is EXPENSIVE...a good dress typically runs 250.00! Then you have all the "frillies" that go underneath. Ugh! I told h I would get started with just a simple blouse and skirt but it is still going to be costly. He wants me to make my own dress...I can sew but the dresses of the 1880's weere a bit complicated

ANyway, doing this will hopefully help us get out there and meet people. It will also combine a number of our shared interests...shooting, history and a love for all things "Cowboy" I guess that last is to be expected...H is a Texan afterall

This will help me make more male friends to be sure...I just hope I can make a couple of female friends, THIS is a problem area for me. Barring the wonderful ladies I speak to on the BB... well, I just don't care for women a whole lot Most I encounter don't seem to care for me too much either I've never really been able to figure this one out...I know part of the problem is a trust issue but there is more...

HugZ,
Zoo

[shinybear]

That sounds GREAT Zoo!

I used to shoot guns with my exfiance. Handguns mostly...if I recall correctly a 45 revolver, a 9 mm automatic and he had a few high power rifles too but they were too loud for me!

Hmmm...you KNOW, I JUST saw a show on the making of Scorcese's "Gangs of New York", have you seen it, Zoo? If not, then DO rent it.

Any way, in it the clothing designer spoke of the difficulty in dressing the WOMEN of the lower classes, as all we tend to see in portraits and such are the flouncy rich women's dress of the mid-late 1800's.

So what she did was took really BASIC skirts, with fitted tops (flowy sleeves on some) and leather vests...all kinds of variations. NO hoops and such.

I could see a woman gunslinger in something a tad more rustic than petticoats!

(Can you tell I like to dress up?)

Shiny

[Zoo]

LOL...Shiny likes to dress up!!!

The big problem I have found is that the women's dresses changed dramatically year to year in the late 1870's to mid 1880's...there are some fairly strict dress rules for this CAS stuff--name, dress,weapon (even hairstyle according to some of the groups) HAS to all be appropriate to each other. This would mean that I couldn't wear a high puffed sleeve blouse with a bustled skirt (blouse=1890's-1900, skirt=1873-1880's) etc. I don't know, it is complicated to say the least

H is getting antsy to get this stuff started. At least HE has it easy...men's styles didn't change for didly during the time frame we are looking at

And yes, I have seen Gangs of New York but the City fashions and Western fashions differ quite a bit. I have been using movies like Tombstone, Conagher, Open Range (you have GOT to see this!!!) etc for reference as well as everything I can glean on line


To change the subject...I am still confused quite a bit by H's behaviour lately. He was SO upbeat,happy,snuggly, affectionate and loving up through the new year...now, I don't know I even went so far as to ask him if something had changed lately, here at home or at work, that maybe has caused this shift. He told me that he wasn't aware of a shift of any type, nothing has changed as far as he knows about I hesitantly asked if perhaps he was "feeling" differently and was again told no, everything was fine I am trying to stay away from any full-blown R talk, I just end up getting frustrated anymore during my attempts to draw him into a constructive one. I ask a couple of questions here and there and never very many ... H usually starts laughing at me anymore when I do this. He did that the other night. I asked him something and he laughed...I asked him what was so funny and he said "some of the questions you ask...hahaha".

FRUSTRATING,FRUSTRATING,FRUSTRATING!!

Hugz,
Zoo

[shinybear]

Hmmmm...what do you make of his "laughing you off", Zoo?

It could simply be that he DOESN'T see or feel any differently, and is baffled that you DO...

It could be a "brush off" technique...what do you think?

Are you, perhaps being over-sensitive? If there are specific behaviours he seems to have let slide (This is SOOO common!) might it be more constructive to just enquire about THOSE?

Perhaps in the old...."if you did X...I'd feel Y...." manner.

Could be just one of those "thangs"....

Shiny

[Zoo]

Yes Shiny...it does seem like a brush-off at times.

I probably am feeling overly-sensitive...if so i would sure like to know why? I would also like to know WHY behaviour that has bee fairly consistent and improving over the past few months would suddenly stop though...that is what has me baffled.

I have tried the "old...."if you did X...I'd feel Y...." manner" of addressing this issue. I have just asked straight out about specific behaviours as well. His replys tend to be the same "I haven't thought about it, I don't know, I don't think so, I don't see it, everything is fine, you worry to much". I could ask him pretty much ANY question..."is your head inserted that far up your A$$?" for instance...and get either one or all of those answers It is almos as if he is programmed to reply in a set way just to the tone of my voice. Heck, I have even tried CHANGING the tone of my voice jst to test this. He tells me to speak up and THEN gives me one of those answers

Maybe it is just one of those THANGS...I have tried going back to DB 101 to try to bring him back around again (you know...doing what works) and I ended up making a mess of it That one still has me kind of puzzled.

I'm biting my tongue a lot but it is hard to keep some of the expressions off of my face He asks me to ply him with affection but doesn't want to return the favor anymore?

Oh well, i'm running off in rambling mode agian

The positives:

1. H colored my hair last night I don't know if he will "volunteer" to do that again! He did a good job though (different approach but good) and I think he NOW knows why I complain about my hair so much

2. This one is morbid somewhat but we talked about the need to have things set up for when we die...burial vs cremation, dispersal of the ashes or interment in a plot with marker etc. I see this as a positive because H spoke of us being together into old age.

3. H IS seeking my affection

Small positives, hopefully this is all just a phase and not the beginning of something more ominous. this time of year has never been good for us

hugz,
Zoo

[Zoo]

JOURNALING

Last night was somewhat of an improvement. H came home from work and i kind of left him alone. I went about folding laundry and eventually sat on the other side of the room doing my nails most of the night. I use the nail thing as a way to occupy myself and ignore H. Not ignore "bad"...more like not invade his space. I talk to him if he says something first but otherwise I pretty much don't say anything and keep to myself. For some reason this works...H tends to seek out my attention when I do this.

H asked me to speak his LL to him last night (this has become kind of a joke with us since I explained it to him one night ) and said "ILY Sweetie" which I haven't heard in @ a week. He was fairly talkative today as well which is a nice change. I too often feel like I am just talking to myself sometimes when I am trying to talk to him.

I was disappointed when H didn't come home for supper tonight. I had a brief tense moment (note*-trigger) and then let it go...the reason he offered was because the roads are really bad and he only wanted to make one trip on them tonight. That made sense to me so I didn't go tumbling down the wrong path with it

I do hope I can get through the next couple of months in one piece. I didn't think I was going to have such a rough time with it, thought I had a lot of crap reconciled. I'm very disappointed in myself that it isn't the case.

Some positives from IM with H tonight. H told me that he thinks I know him very well, he likes to be told that I think he is special, he doesn't think I am nuts amd said it was OK when I apologised for having a rough time and acting squirrely. Now I could sit here and make a refuting observance about that last one but I will be good tonight and "not go there".

hugz,
Zoo

[Zoo]

Positives:

1. When H picked me up from my Mom's last night he cam ein and the first thing he did was hug and kiss me

2. I made H something to eat at 4 am...he was profuse with his thanks and told me he "really appreciated" the things I did for him.

3. H cuddled up to me in bed and did all the kissing and touching...I didn't have to initiate anything or ask.

4. I got another ILY SWEETIE last night.

5. We talked about sex-life without either one of us getting pissy about it.

6. this afternoon.

7. H has been much more animated and talkative the past couple of days.

8. H said he would go to the grocery tonight...asked for a list, didn't seem at all put out by it.

9. H was REALLY chatty on IM last night...typed whole sentences rather then just one word responses

10. WHen I woke up I opened my eyes to find H looking at me ...he got a big smile on his face and kissed me, looked at me again and smiled some more.

***********************************************************

Ok, I got silly with the positives but there were quite a few of them

I did have a problem though...despite all of these positives I was in a volatile frame of mind last night. While H was being upbeat and attentive all I could think about was "WHEN am I ever going to be allowed to be ANGRY about the past year and a half...WHEN am I ever going to be able to unload all of the garbage that I held in...WHEN am I ever going to be able to regain the PRIDE I swallowed, ALL for the sake of this M???"

I thought all this while I kept a smile plastered on my face and carried an upbeat conversation. I ACTED while my mind raced...and it felt horrible. It felt false and deceitful and so WRONG

I got over it which is good...I didn't allow it to take control of me or my mouth but it was scary there for a bit.

I asked H last night if he thought our sex-life would pick up before too long. H informs me that he had been holding back because I didn't seem to be interested Said that I had talked about being in pain and what-have-you and he hadn't been picking up any "vibe" from me so he didn't want to push it I told him that I hadn't been pursuing it because I THOUGHT he wasn't interested and I hadn't gotten any "vibe" from him to indicate otherwise. This is a perfect example of our poor communication skills We both expect the other to operate telepathically at times and it just doesnt work. I have yet to find a consistently GOOD way to address things with H. What works one time usually won't work at another time. If I "do nothing" too much H remains clueless and I get the old "why didn't you tell me?" line. when I bring up that our communication skills are sucking H says "I know" then returns back to what he was doing or turns up the volume on the TV

I really need to figure this out...right now I feel stuck and I know that doesn't help things at all .

Hugz,
Zoo

[Zoo]

Positives:

1. Woke up this morning and H grabbed my hand and said ILY Hon. A rare occurence.

2. H got back into bed and snuggled for a few minutes.

3. H is still being talkative.

***********************************************************

Journaling

I'm wonky again today. Despite the positives it still seems like there isn't enough momentum in the R.

The positive of snuggling was met by me with tears H got up close and wrapped his arms around me and got to nuzzling...I'm thinking mmmm...gonna and then H just rolls away and lays there staring up at the ceiling . I waited and waited, struggling to keep tears from getting out of control...finally I asked H if we were going to cuddle anymore---his response "I'm drinking my coffee." I'm sure ya'all can imagine how that made ME feel.

H then starts listening to the weather forecast and asks me where his watch hats were , I SNAPPED at him that they were in the washing machine since I had forgotten to put them in the dryer and that I guess I'd go put them in and MAYBE they would be dry by the time he left for work I got up and did this in a huff...H asked why I was being so pissy...I ignored him

I am doing my damnedest NOT to cry but everything he said just seemed to make it harder (nothing he said was even said angrily or negatively ). I am getting angry at myself for even WANTING to cry. I keep telling myself just a few more minutes and he'll be gone, you can hold on that long ; THEN H starts talking about having to WORK tomorrow. This DID NOT go over well with me since I had asked him last night if he had to work SAT and was told NO. I'm like "you said you didn't have to work Sat." and he said "I told you I did"...we went round and round and h finally says "I must not have been listening." Well, no Sh!t...that is the problem, YOU never listen!! All you do is tune me out! I didn't say this, just thought it

H finishes getting dressed and walks out in one of the pieces of clothing that is a TRIGGER of mine...his British Sniper Army smock (an army coat). THis particular article of clothing is something he previously has worn only to IMPRESS with, I think of it as one of his "tom-catting" coats (he has one other) This pretty much pushed me over the edge.

H says "give me a kiss...ILY" and finally walks out the door. I let the tears come...H WALKS BACK IN!!! I tried to turn away but wasnt quick enough. H asked me what was wrong and I said "nothing". He finally left.

I'm still struggling with anger and fear. My logic tells me that I am being unreasonable but something else keeps saying "that ain't so" I KNOW better then to expect H to behave the way some of the returned S's do. I know not to expect romance or long talks, date nights or flowery professions of love and remorse...to EXPECT these things is to set myself up for bitter disappointment so I set those wistful, wishful things aside and feel lucky that he has brought me home a couple of bottles of wine. I console myself with that one little piece of luck but it gets hard sometimes. Especially when my Mom comes in or calls and tells me that Pops brought her flowers home from work and then proceeds to tell me about a guy Pops works with who he has now gotten to take his wife flowers/cards/etc home as well and how happy and surprised the W is at this change in her H The H's response...he never knew/realized that his W liked that kind of thing.

I feel stupid that I am NOW amking such a big deal out of romance. It isn't like I have ever had it to any degree in any of the R's that I have been in. My X would just hand me a credit card and tell me to buy my own x-mas,b-day, v-day, anniversary gifts. H has only gone out of his way to get me something romantic once...our first v-day together ( and I think that happened because the guy he was with was shopping for his wife). Since then I have become the appliance queen

I have told H that a little romance is necessary, despite our intially telling each other it was not a priority. H even agreed. I have told him in plain language what I consider romantic adn I have tried to nudge him subtly. I downloaded an e-book "101 Romantic Ideas" thinking to show H through my own actions what words weren't accomplishing. H read it the other night before I had a chance to and promptly informed me that it was "Corny" and some of the things were even embarrassing He said he had to stop reading it after the first 10 suggestions
I asked him what he considered romantic...h said "I don't know but that isnt it." You would have thought this would be an opening for a conversation, right? WRONG! He pulled up the file for me to read the top 10 and after doing so I started to discuss one of them. H shuts the file down, pulls up one of his forums on the comp AND turns the TV up...pointedly ignoring me I walked out of the room.

This crap has me feeling really down. I read Kitti's Brian Tracy excerpt today about giving and it saddened me. I am a giver by nature...I always donate to charities, I was one to make house-calls when I worked in the pet store, helping people out with problem birds, clipping dogs nails for elderly people...animal rehab...I'm one of those people who would stop and change a flat for someone. I never expected nor accepted anything for these things, I just enjoyed doing them. Now most of that giving goes into my H...only I don't enjoy it so much anymore. The excerpt said that the giving is rarely returned by the recipient (I agree with this 100% )so one shouldnt expect reciprocation. This is SO true and I try to accept that. The excerpt also says that the return usually occurs elsewhere. My experience says that is hogwash There are people in this world that can give and give and give and NEVER get anything more in return then the knowledge that they gave selflessly and MAYBE the occasional thank you. You can say that the enjoyment itself, the knowledge, etc IS the return but is it? That isn't what I got from the excerpt, nor is it what I was taught in church or by my elders.

Give and Ye shall receive . Those words had a powerful affect on me when I was growing up...I like to think that they helped in the forming of the person that I am today. What was failed to be mentioned to me though was ... just don't EXPECT . I had to LEARN that. I waited and waited still giving and giving and then waiting some more. I know that all probably comes off as really bitter and probably even frought with self-pity but it isn't. It is the fact of my reality. It doesn't stop me from continuing to give either. It just means I give but don't receive. It means I get sad that I give a great deal to H knowing that my return will be minimal or nil but the sadness doesnt STOP me. It just makes me sad. On occasion it makes me angry but the anger is self-directed. I should know better .

Hugz,
Zoo