Positives:

1. When H picked me up from my Mom's last night he cam ein and the first thing he did was hug and kiss me

2. I made H something to eat at 4 am...he was profuse with his thanks and told me he "really appreciated" the things I did for him.

3. H cuddled up to me in bed and did all the kissing and touching...I didn't have to initiate anything or ask.

4. I got another ILY SWEETIE last night.

5. We talked about sex-life without either one of us getting pissy about it.

6. this afternoon.

7. H has been much more animated and talkative the past couple of days.

8. H said he would go to the grocery tonight...asked for a list, didn't seem at all put out by it.

9. H was REALLY chatty on IM last night...typed whole sentences rather then just one word responses

10. WHen I woke up I opened my eyes to find H looking at me ...he got a big smile on his face and kissed me, looked at me again and smiled some more.

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Ok, I got silly with the positives but there were quite a few of them

I did have a problem though...despite all of these positives I was in a volatile frame of mind last night. While H was being upbeat and attentive all I could think about was "WHEN am I ever going to be allowed to be ANGRY about the past year and a half...WHEN am I ever going to be able to unload all of the garbage that I held in...WHEN am I ever going to be able to regain the PRIDE I swallowed, ALL for the sake of this M???"

I thought all this while I kept a smile plastered on my face and carried an upbeat conversation. I ACTED while my mind raced...and it felt horrible. It felt false and deceitful and so WRONG

I got over it which is good...I didn't allow it to take control of me or my mouth but it was scary there for a bit.

I asked H last night if he thought our sex-life would pick up before too long. H informs me that he had been holding back because I didn't seem to be interested Said that I had talked about being in pain and what-have-you and he hadn't been picking up any "vibe" from me so he didn't want to push it I told him that I hadn't been pursuing it because I THOUGHT he wasn't interested and I hadn't gotten any "vibe" from him to indicate otherwise. This is a perfect example of our poor communication skills We both expect the other to operate telepathically at times and it just doesnt work. I have yet to find a consistently GOOD way to address things with H. What works one time usually won't work at another time. If I "do nothing" too much H remains clueless and I get the old "why didn't you tell me?" line. when I bring up that our communication skills are sucking H says "I know" then returns back to what he was doing or turns up the volume on the TV

I really need to figure this out...right now I feel stuck and I know that doesn't help things at all .

Hugz,
Zoo

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm." - Mahatma Gandhi