3 years aftet D-Day and i finally registet

[albamarie]

am I too late, Good morning!

"longer absences do not seem to bother him and he does not bring her up at all".

Take this key information from your son, he is living "as if" without even knowing what every things all about. Living his life with his dad (who's enough) and not worrying about what he doesn't have.

''My life is totally devoted to my son''

As beautiful as that is you need some adult time (mom of 4kids here) do you have family, friends, a gym, biking, anything you can do with an adult while your s is playing with a caregiver. If your can't get care for him, fine, as long as there is still an adult (w/kid to occupy yours) to have in the picture.

''i am triggered about how and why my wife, and his ma-ma is not here to share in his fun".

These triggers are the worst, we all know this too well. The triggers seem to be the last thing to go away as your healing. I call it anxiety! Try to have another thought right behind those triggers to divert you mind. Mine is, "I deserve better that what you would give me if you were here anyway, so what's the loss"

"I seem to possibly reaching for the acceptance point of the 5 stages of grief"

Run with that, your going to slide back, but as long as you keep going further ahead each time it does get easier. I'm right were you at, accepting, but those damb triggers and loneliness, can inche me backwards in a minute.

Do you have a counselor? You need to take care of yourself (along with S) this site is wonderful, but counseling will give you that one on one face time.

Be patient here most of the people who read your thread are still in the process of going through their own sitch, we all share what's working, what feels good, what stinks, and give support.

Try the goal setting thread below, read what other's are doing, then take some time and right you own. It took me 4 weeks to do this, but it was weight lifting.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2270606#Post2270606

Stay strong...baby steps!

[albamarie]

PS maybe put your info in your signature so we know a little about you with each post.

[Am I Too Late]

Thanks Again, DawnMarie.

I have been seeing an individual counselor ever since October, 2009, right after i discovered her and his love letters and poems. Still going every week.

She is so insensitive now-a-days. When she was over to visit our son last Wednesday, she said how she was eliminating Toxic people from her life recently. She said she blocked her 1st cheating boyfriend from her FaceBook page recently because he was a jerk.

She said she did that 2 1/2 years ago when we were attending marriage counseling. So, the guy she initially chose to break up our marriage and family for is now finally a jerk.

She blocked me from her FaceBook page 1 month after she moved out right after i took our son on a 3 day vacation to a water park in the Wisconsin Dells during last years spring break.

Bad feelings of loneliness and sadness come in waves still. I made mistakes but also showed and told her how much i loved her every day, or so i thought.

I just found some other things she wrote about how much she loved me and our son that was dated just 2 months before her mom got sick, hospitalized and eventually died.

I should have known to be there more for her for support. This should never have gotten to this point.

I am still working on bettering myself, but thoughts like that keep coming back.

I will add a signature line later when i go use the library computer.

Ed

[leopoldstotch]

Am I Too Late I have read your story and wow what a story. The first thing I want to say to you is you are to be commended for being 100% committed to your son and for staying sober.

This has been going on for three years? I don't know how you've managed to stay sane. The first piece of advice I want to give you is what others have been telling and that is to DETACH from her ASAP. From reading your posts it seems to me that you have oneitis. Your W is not your whole world and until you fully realize that you will be stuck exactly where you are forever.

What is it that you do for yourself? From your posts I do not see any GAL activities. I know you spend a lot of time with your son and that is great but both of you need time apart. You need time for you and he needs time with other kids his age. So get out there and start to do things it will make you feel better.

Now as far as your W goes you need to stop focusing on the past good times that you two had. It does you no good to live in the past and hold on to hope that the W you once had will return. This is what is creating those feelings you keep having. Mr. Bond is right in saying that your W is in selfish mode and I'll go even further to that she absolutely knows that she can get you back anytime she wants to. The only person who can help your W is your W. You can't help her so stop thinking and hoping that you can. The only person you control is YOU and please don't forget that.

I've seen in a few posts that you have asked what your W means when she says certain things. For example she said things are going good let's take it slow. Now IMHO that is her throwing you a crumb and what happens when she does that? You want more. It's her way of keeping you around if you know what I mean. This is why it is so important to detach and GAL. She sent you a text at 5:45 in the morning and I'll bet you answered her right away. STOP doing that. Why you ask? Because it shows you are desperate for her and needy and you are at her beckoned call. If you text her does she immediately answer you? I'm betting that's a NO!

I want you to think about this little scenario I'm going to give you. Let's say that you are single and you go to a bar/nightclub whatever. You happen upon two very attractive women who are available but here's the catch one woman is depressed, sad, needy
and appears clingy and desperate. The other woman is upbeat, happy and confident and she appears to have it going on. Which woman are you going to be attracted to? You know the answer. How do you think you appear to your W? I already know the answer to that question. Why would she be attracted to that you?

You need to be upbeat, happy and confident when she around. Dress nice when she is around, start working out do not answer her calls or texts right away. Why you ask? Because all this makes you appear to have moved on without her. It makes you look attractive.You are creating mystery. Oh wow Am I Too Late looks like he's been working out he's looking good. He's starting to dress nice I wonder what's going on? He doesn't answer my calls or texts I wonder why? Could he have found someone better than me? Even if those thoughts do not run through her head doing all that will make you feel better and that's what is most important.

I know that this post came off harsh but I'm doing this for your own good. You need to take some control and take care of yourself for a change. I have to run but I'll check in later.

Butters

[Am I Too Late]

Thank You So Much, Leopoldstoch.

That was not harsh to me at all. I need outsiders opinions who can see things much more clearly than i can, without the personal emotional fixation attached.

Getting work for me is the 2nd most important thing i can do, besides taking care of my son.

I guess going to AA meetings 2-3 times per week is not GAL.

I had about a 1/2 hour emotional period earlier today, until i started focusing on finances to get out of the debt i started creating 3 years ago.

I need to look at that Goals thread that DawnMarie posted earlier.

The real estate investor i met last week did not work out as far as any help i really needed as he just wanted to take extreme advantage of my predicament.

Yes, i did respond to her text at 5:45 a.m. because she leaves for her job at that time and i had been awake for over an hour already.

Why would she even be keeping me at bay with breadcrumbs if she has seemingly moved onto someone else already?

Ed

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you for the kind words DawnMarie. I so badly wanted to leave No Stone Unturned in regards to keeping our marriage and family together, but it is only one sided efforts.

The stone you are leaving unturned, is the DETACHMENT stone...you have pursued her enough. It did not work.

The comment that said "it's going good now, take it slow" means she can allow herself to be around you. So what?

She's got a permanent babysitter (you) and she can get her "mommy fix" anytime she wants. YOU created that. YOU can create something new now.

IF and I mean that word, IF, there is a chance for her to wake up, it will NOT be by doing the same stuff

and as you know, as they say in AA, "doing the same thing but expecting a different result, is the definition of insanity."

But you are repeating the same behavior of pursuit and more of it, and it's long past time for not doing that anymore.

Your w does not want to be married to you. She filed for div. It probably costs some money to finalize it OR maybe she does not want to pay alimony or child support, to YOU...

I do not believe it's a "mixed signal" at all, that you say you have not been served. Sorry.


The answers may all seem obvious, but i still remember the reality of how much she previously loved me and felt adored by me too.


then trust that those memories will resurface in her. But if you keep the pursuit up, as you have, you effectively suppress those memories. ALSO, people do change AND SOME of your memories were not accurate, b/c she had cheated on you when you thought things were great, correct?

Don't psycho analyze her so much b/c it excuses her behavior without YOU addressing your duty to create a new life for you and your son.

What if you met OW and had a healthy marriage with her, and modelled that to your son? Just think about it, for a minute...

are you happy with what your son sees of "marriage" now?



This morning i am with my son watching his karate class and have not heard from my wife since her shortened visit this past Wednesday evening.

Too bad for our son, but even more so her loss. She will never regain these lost moments of time watching our boy grow up and develop into a caring compassionate and moral young man.

I wish you well in your situation.

Ed

it IS her loss indeed. I grew up with a girl who is a drug user, although she functions at work.

Anyhow, when she blew up her marriage with OMs, and refused drug counselling during the divorce and so, she lost custody of her only child, a son.

Didn't see him for 10 years. He finally reconnected now that he's an adult.

And she still uses...and still chooses drugs over him, in effect.

Yes it's her loss. AND HER SON'S loss too, but he seems grateful to be close to his dad.

The dad (my friend's ex h,) re-married long ago and so the son got to see his dad's 2nd marriage growing up. It was a healthy marriage and his dad was and is mostly happy.

I feel her son won't use drugs like his mother. AND WHEN I saw her at the class reunion, the first one she's attended in 20 years,

she wallowed in self pity about 'what SHE "has been through"....NOT what she put others through or how much damage SHE did to others,

so she still has zero insight OR desire to change and your w may well be that way, forever....
I mean, she is willing not to see her only child so that she can....do....what????

Wake up my friend. She's not a good mom now and has not been for a chunk of your son's life. Whatever your mistakes, move on.

I don't say that to mean "give up" I say that b/c if you do not move on, I see almost no chance of a reconciliation.
you want to wait that long?

If it matters, NO, my childhood friend, is not a happy person.

But her ex h is, and for the most part, her son seems to be although he's hurt by his mom's continued choice. The son recently married and seems happy. I don't even know if his mom attended. If she did, my guess is, she got wasted drunk OR someone made sure she did not...

THink about the path you are on now and ask yourself WHY things would improve if you stay on this path?

food for thought...

[25yearsmlc]

I didn't see the great post about your GAL activities...

NO, 12 step meetings are not GAL. That's like saying seeing the doctor is GAL.

I'm a 12 stepper so I get the importance of it but it's NOT GAL.

Here are SOME things I did in the interior of Alaska to GAL and I had a newborn at the time

I auditioned for local theater and got roles and met new people, who did NOT know h.

I did stand up comedy (met some damn funny people). I joined a writer's group and got published.

Also met cool new writers.

I took a cooking class and a French Conversation class.

I volunteered at a battered women's center. I learned how to cross country ski and took up target shooting.

I did deep sea fishing, I edited a book.

I coached a girl's softball team and

got on the Bd of Directors for the Wrestling League (my son wrestled).

I worked out a lot, went to therapy, and used a tanning booth when it was just so dark.

I got a pilot's license.

Most of these GAL cost very little or are free.

JOIN something or TAKE A CLASS asap. No more waiting.

[Am I Too Late]

Just for polite perspective, i was being facetious regarding the AA meetings being a way to GAL.

No problem though, regarding your interpretation.

I sincerely Thank You Very Much for your rigorous candor to hold me accountable. Please feel welcome to continue as time permits.

As far as me still pushing, there have only been isolated incidences since she moved out, but my opinion is very biased regarding my own behavior and the consequential results.

Yes, i did return her text on that morning in question. I have not initiated any more than 5% to 10% of the communications since she left. I have for sure gotten caught up in text conversations that she has initiated. I felt that she was reaching out.. Otherwise, i typically do wait to respond.

During her prolonged periods of not visiting or calling our son, i pretty much went dark until she initiated contact. After she finally got back in touch, requesting to visit our boy, i did send her a batch of photos of him enjoying various activities over the previous two week period of time. I wanted her to see what she was missing out on by not being engaged on his weekly accomplishments and life experiences.

Maybe, in hindsight, i should have left her out of the loop of even informing her of his fun scholastic and extracurricular activities.

I honestly did not want to withhold those precious moments from her.

Should i?

Yes, i have been, both put in the position of, and eagerly accepting of, the 100% full time child care provider.

I would not feel comfortable with her having him at this time, for any extended, unsupervised visitations yet.

Upon her 1st getting back in touch to request upcoming visits, i stated that i felt that prior to her getting him alone, that we should attend some sort of parenting counseling. She agreed that it sounded like a good idea.

3 days later, she was verbally making comments about plans to pick him up and i reminded her what she had agreed to.

Until that occurs, especially since there is no judicial custody agreement, i am sticking to that requirement and if/when she brings it up again, i will ask what counseling arrangements she has sought out. The onus of fulfilling that requirement is on her shoulders. That MAY get twisted into me denying her access to visitation, but her admitted excessive drinking and previous visitation or even phone call track record seems to warrant this measure.

I don't expect her to follow through.

I am NOT drawing this boundary to initiate one on one face time with her. It is absolutely for accountability and safety concerns.

Please chime in and state if you agree or disagree with that course of action.

Please, no holds barred.

I previously joined the Knights Of Columbus through my Catholic Church, but found it lacking the type of personal fulfillment i was seeking.

It was suggested to me to look for a, Parents Without Partners group. I font know if that would just wind up being a spousal beatch-a-thon gathering or a sublime lonely singles match game. I am not interested in either of those scenarios. I wont know until i try it out though. The closest meeting is about 30-45 minutes away.

She has not shown up at either this past Saturday mornings or this Monday evenings karate class for our son. I have not contacted her since she visited last week Wednesday.

I honestly see a difficult path for me without my son along with. I seriously need more focus on trying to earn some cash and to try to sell my commercial property before i lose that and also my 2-Flat rental unit due to property tax delinquencies.

I will continue to Detach, but please advise me if i am doing it the right way, please. I am willing to take Good Orderly Direction.

Thank You Very Much for investing your time and effort so far.

Gratefully,

Ed

[leopoldstotch]

Ed listen to what 25yearsmlc has written to you she speaks wisdom. It seems to me that you do push quite a bit. As far as texting goes you have to stop answering them as soon as you get them. She is not reaching out to you. IMHO these are those crumbs I'm talking about and this is what I mean. She is doing what she wants when she wants with no regard to you and do you know why? A part of it is because you are allowing it to happen to you. In other words she knows that you will take her back but she will send you a text at 5:45 in the morning call you a dork even tell you things are going good all just to keep you around.

You have hope that all those things have a meaning and she knows it. She has you hanging on a string. Listen to what I'm about to tell you. When my W had an affair back 2003 after we reconciled she told me that she enjoyed having POWER over me. My W told me that she knew that she could get back with me at anytime because of how desperate I was. Pushing, pleading, needy and begging. Then one day I was outside working on my truck and all of a sudden it hit me, I couldn't live like this anymore. The affair was over by this point but we were still living under the same roof but "separated". I moved out. I got a life, I only talked to her in regards to the kids and I started to see another woman.

Let me tell you Ed that when she got wind of me being with someone else even though we were separated well that was all she could handle. Now I'm not telling you to go out and find another woman but as you can see I couldn't live the way she wanted to live and my gut and my heart told me it was time to do something. I was like you were Ed, I was stuck.

It wasn't until I decided to start moving on without her and she really knew I meant it that she made a decision that she didn't want to be without me and let someone else have me. My W told me she never thought I would do that to her. Well she was wrong and here I am back again years later because I'm a dope, lol. You can read my thread if you like. My point is Ed that like you I want my marriage to work out I made mistakes too we all do but unlike you I will be fine if my marriage is over. One thing I'm learning from being here is that you can only change you and if you become a better person than that's good. If your marriage is over you will be fine.

As far as things go with your son if I were you I would at the very least have a consultation with a lawyer and explain to him what is going on. You will get a lot of info from a consultation. I would not be sending her photos of what she missed. I see that as pushing/pursuit, look what you are missing you should be here with us. She is making the choice to not be there with her son so it's her problem not yours. It's very unusual for a mother to do this to her child. I also agree that you should not allow her unsupervised time with him but that is something a lawyer can advise you on. I suggest you keep detailed notes on when and when she doesn't see your son.

There are plenty of things you can do to GAL. Join a bowling league or a gym, go hunting, fishing. Go out and meet people just being around others can be helpful. If you are dpressed all the time than talk to your IC and Doctor about medication. There's no shame in it you are going through a difficult time. Take back your life Ed it's long overdue. Don't allow her to control you anymore. That's all for now.

[AlkalineThoughts]

Ed,

Just caught up on your sitch, and I must say that 25yearsmlc and Leopoldstotch (LOL Butters:)) are absolutely giving you sage-like advice.

Trust me on this, I know how hard it is to go out and GAL sometimes. But I also know that once I FORCED myself to do it, even if it's only a few hours a week... well I started seeing immediate improvements in ME.

Is GALing going to solve all your issues and make you a happy person again? Absolutely not, but it WILL help you get some perspective on your situation, on your "new" life, and on the possibilities of the future.

So much of what you're doing is 100% familiar to all of us on these boards. Grasping at every communication, reading WAY too much into any interaction, overanalyzing every move that our spouses make... While these may be normal "instincts", they're destructive to that path that you need to be on. For you and for your child. The more you keep clinging on to what's not working, the longer you'll be stuck in this pit of despair.

I can't tell you the exact moment I decided to start focusing more on ME than my R, and I can't tell you that I've completely "dropped the rope" just yet, but I can tell you that as hard as it is to do (start focusing more on you, your child, and stop obsessing over your significant other's actions/words/thoughts/feelings) it's ALWAYS worth it.

Good luck! You've got some great people watching your back here!