JOURNALING

Last night was somewhat of an improvement. H came home from work and i kind of left him alone. I went about folding laundry and eventually sat on the other side of the room doing my nails most of the night. I use the nail thing as a way to occupy myself and ignore H. Not ignore "bad"...more like not invade his space. I talk to him if he says something first but otherwise I pretty much don't say anything and keep to myself. For some reason this works...H tends to seek out my attention when I do this.

H asked me to speak his LL to him last night (this has become kind of a joke with us since I explained it to him one night ) and said "ILY Sweetie" which I haven't heard in @ a week. He was fairly talkative today as well which is a nice change. I too often feel like I am just talking to myself sometimes when I am trying to talk to him.

I was disappointed when H didn't come home for supper tonight. I had a brief tense moment (note*-trigger) and then let it go...the reason he offered was because the roads are really bad and he only wanted to make one trip on them tonight. That made sense to me so I didn't go tumbling down the wrong path with it

I do hope I can get through the next couple of months in one piece. I didn't think I was going to have such a rough time with it, thought I had a lot of crap reconciled. I'm very disappointed in myself that it isn't the case.

Some positives from IM with H tonight. H told me that he thinks I know him very well, he likes to be told that I think he is special, he doesn't think I am nuts amd said it was OK when I apologised for having a rough time and acting squirrely. Now I could sit here and make a refuting observance about that last one but I will be good tonight and "not go there".

hugz,
Zoo

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm." - Mahatma Gandhi