I'm glad to hear you're doing well. This is a long process, and you're taking the right steps to grow from this experience, regardless of what happens between you and your W. So is the in-house separation working ok? Does she have a completely separate space? Also, I completely forgot to ask you if you were recovered from that weird virus, but I'm guessing you're okay now. Take care of yourself.
I'm doing okay and physically better too. It must have been a 24 hour bug or something.
As far as the "in house" separation. Yes, she has her own bed in our youngest's room. So she has her own space. Otherwise we share the "common areas" of the house.
So yesterday, we talked on her way back from her weekend. Yes she did get a ticket, and she said it was the last trip time she was going to making the trip. By the trip, to OM's house. Not sure exactly what that means, but she was admittedly in a bad mood, but nice to myself and the kiddos when she got home. I didn't press her on anything about that. Kind of glad, because I'm pretty sure she was having some kind of texting or game playing with him despite their "spat." I ended up giving her more / kind space. Tonight she actually leaves for a work trip for the next few days.
I'm not sure how to perceive yesterday's events or anyting at this moment. I do know that Tonglen helps curb the confusion and pain.
want / need to add this piece too, maybe more of a journaling piece --
W made a general statement about doing something "wrong," in the sense that she is "wrong." I didn't have the opportunity to ask her what she meant by that, if she wanted too. She was pretty closed off probably due to the nature of her bad mood (fight with OM). Granted it might be me mind reading, but I'm at least in the ballpark on that one.
It's pretty hard to see her in pain, especially since I'm a fixer. Should I extend the offer for her to talk if she wants to, before she leaves? Not necessarily before she actually leaves, but while she is gone / or anytime in the future?I realize the best way to "fix" her is to allow her to experience her pain. We all know that I, as well as my similar company here, have experienced more than our fair share. 8)
Interesting update. I wouldn't offer to talk, because she might see this as pressure to tell you her personal stuff (and yes, she definitely owes it to you, since you are her H, but she doesn't see it that way right now.) However, if she contributes info, such as the "being wrong" statement, I think it's a good idea to ask questions that show you are listening. Paraphrase what she's saying so she feels you are paying attention, and never judge her feelings or offer solutions. Just let her talk, nod, and paraphrase. Good luck with that. I still see things turning around for you guys. Keep up the great work, and keep meditating...
Journal / update kind of thing. Didn't hear anything from W most of the day. She sent me a grocery list via text to help make "life easier" the next few days. I never responded and simply drove home once I was done with work. She called. My 180 of not being so available still works.
So I finally come home, and the family is about to sit down for dinner. W announces this never happens. I somewhat loudly and friendly say, we generally have family dinners on Wed and Thurs. She took notice with a cute, "side you just yell at me.". So I answered "yes, because we do eat together on those days.". She forgets that I've cut down hours at work before and after the bomb. Eventually she shares her day, I listen, and vice versa. She thematic makes the comment, "Is it wrong that I want to hug you. I'm having one of those moments.". I step beside her, arms behind my back so as to not hug, and say, "i too wouldn't mind one, especially because of the bad weather and third 2 hour drive". So then she turns towards me with open arms and we hug tightly, until S2 joins us with a dirty diaper. Before she leaves, I ask for her to let "us" know that she makes it safely and tell her to call the kids whenever she wants. She acknowledged that and then left. This sure is one grueling marathon. Random side note, I signed up for a local Color Run this weekend with a friend and some of his. Should be awesome. Google it if you never heard of it. Makes ya smile.
Sounds like things are more calm and even harmonious in your house! That's really good news. You've handled things really, really well. I checked out the Color Run site. I would definitely do it. Too bad they don't have it in CT! I'm sure it'll be fun. I'll be moving this weekend, but I'll try to fit in a quick bike ride before the movers come. When I ride my bike, even if I feel crappy to start, I end up feeling invigorated. It's not a workout. It's a sanity saver.
Quick update ... I think W may be trying to invite me to join her and the kids for a festival we normally attend together (after my Color Run)... Not sure, but will post back later.
It's either that good news, or her trying to figure out if OM can go. I'll put the positive vibe out ("think the impossible")there not the latter.
keep us posted afa75! seem like things are starting to soften a bit. keep it up. a baby steps baby steps... :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
So this whole scenario occurred via friendly texts, initiated by her, regarding the kids. The youngest has a runny nose and daycare contacted her. Within her sharing that info, she had asked if "Are you gone all weekend. Specifically Saturday?" I replied "nothing concrete following my Color Run. What's up?" Her reply, "I'm just taking the kids to the festival in the early afternoon. Just wondered." My reply, "Wondered what exactly? If ya don't mind me asking. :)" Her reply "IDK."
...if anyone has a nice, neutral response to the "IDK" to gather more info let me know. If not, I'll probably just leave it alone. It's only Wednesday now, maybe something else will come out naturally.
