busted affair again!

[25yearsmlc]

Journal:

Yesterday, like any other weekends started extra focus on 180s, GAL, & detachment. Weekends are normally tougher to focus on these things because I'm with w pretty much all day.

Why don't you GAL with a child of yours? Get away from w and give her a break and give her some space AND let her see your child return with a happy smile.

Yesterday sat (9/28) rode my bike in the morning. We then went to funeral service. At this service, I kept my 180s by being independent.
I usually follow my W's lead in any gathering but this time I was a big boy. I didn't follow her around if I didn't like to.


this^^^ change is mandatory. The behavior you are describing puts your wife in a Parent mode and that's not healthy or attractive. So I'm glad you see this. Also, did your w need comforting at this funeral? IF SO, it'd be nice if she had a partner she could lean on, instead of another child to care for...


I don't know how to explain this but at one point s13 and I ended up in a good spot (sorry didn't mean to be insensitive abou the funeral) but a good spot where I can hear the grieving H's speech. Before you know it here comes my W standing next to me, in a few more occasions my w was following me around. I say this because I feel good and for once I can make my decision--maybe I'm finally detaching?

Maybe...or you are becoming more aware of how needy it is for you have her handling your social behaviors.

We went to dinner after that--a few observations from W, pretty much all day that I would noticed she would be blanked out then try to brush it off. I think what's happening is the withdrawal from OM. It sux but what can I do?

Stop mind reading. Really, just focus on YOUR WORK ON YOU b/c it's the only thing you can control and from your description, you have some work to do.



Today sun (9/30): another good day, nothing really extraordinary other than consistent 180s. It was FILs bday so we took him out to eat lunch. We had a good time, s3 pretty much kept me busy, this is actually the first time in a long time my W had a peaceful lunch since s3 was just all over me. Sometimes I feel bad that my w might feel left out because s3 kept looking for me. I think I have to watch this because I don't want my w to feel left out with the kids. Is there such a thing of overdoing my 180s wih the kids?

NO there's not an overdoing being with your kids, in this^^^ context. Your wife got a break so she could have a nice lunch. That's a good thing, period.

Her feeling left out is NOT YOUR problem - AND it's your mind reading so it's likely not even true AND even if it were, so what?

You are doing way too much mind reading. Just stop it.

Focus on your work on you...I cannot stress that enough. YOU WASTE time and energy by not looking in the mirror for what to work on...


But this is really what I feel, especially knowing that my future my mean I'll only see them 50% of the time...this 180 is sincere.


Stop letting your fears and projections about tomorrow, decide your life's happiness TODAY.

You are creating a lot of the chaos in your life right now.

Your wife said she wants to make it work.

Your wife apologized for an EA/possible PA and has ended it.

Your wife has made several loving gestures to you.

YOU keep obesssing about OM and "what if?" and letting your wounded ego make YOU feel bad...and then staring at your w and mind reading, almost ALL of which is negative...

so, who is damaging the family NOW?

You are...

I think you telling her sibling about the EA was a huge mistake and it got you nowhere. In fact you're surprised they did not tell the rest of the family but to me

they're smart. They were able to see that the more people who know, the harder it is for your w to believe YOU can get past this. If you want to keep the road home, paved and smooth...then STHU.

Your inlaws may resent you for trying make her look bad and you must realize that making her look bad, OR TRYING TO,

does not make you look good. Don't forget, your d, and your inlaws witnessed the marriage and in some eyes, you don't look so great.

So keep the marital issues IN the marriage. Don't be the obstacle to reconciliation. Back off and show her loving detachment.

And you might even apologize for what your flaws are instead of harping on what SHE did and what SHE MIGHT do...

b/c if she doesn't think you can get past this, what's the point of her trying?


I'm trying to break that wall to get to my W's emotion back (one of my goals) I think I have the recipe to slowly chip that away (by keeping the light talks with W, her work, kids). Please point it out to me if this is some kind of pursuing.

It's both pursuit and manipulation. Why not focus on how to be a better h and dad? Let her learn to relax around you and NOT with expectations on your end.

Build on the times where no conflict arises, then keep things warm and light. Then build on relaxing around each other. Rent comedies, or go to one. Who said you can't take her out to something as long as it's not overtly romantic?

Laugh together. It is a bonding experience and as long as you don't stare at her to take the R temperature, she can learn to have FUN with you around

and not think she has to be intimate later on.

Can you just give her love, and not feel (or show) disappointment when you don't get sex in return? Can you Focus on giving, without getting?


I want to get some of her emotions back before OM tries to contact her. As far as i know, Its almost a month since the last contact with OM. if it is I suspect OM is getting desperate and will try to lure my w again. It is really up to her how she would handle this. I honestly feel that she would be a fool to choose OM. And I'm hoping some of our positives will be enough to deflect OMs advances.

^^^this is all about you manipulating to control the outcome. ALL this energy could be spent on YOU building bonding experiences but instead you worry about the outcome...ie what you will get and when.

Do you understand what I mean here?

Ironically, you need to work on controlling how controlling you are.


Anyway,I feel better, I feel good, my kids reciprocate my love. In some ways I feel complete and of course the pain of the sitch is still there but neverthe less i feel better.

Why wouldn't you feel "Complete"? If you think you "need" your w to feel complete, you ought to discuss that with an IC.

There's no shame in that. But clearly your self esteem is far too attached to what you think she thinks...and that's giving someone else too much power AND it's also an abdication of your own responsibilities.

You control your happiness and you ought to be in charge of how you socially interact instead of hoping your w can lead you.

This is sexist but IMO, the truth is, few women want to parent their h's.

MOSTLY, We don't want to lead. We want to partner with our h's or be lead by them, although always lovingly.


I hope these feelings doesn't dip down, the good thing is that I have control to handle these feelings.

Yes you can control these feelings so you don't have to "hope" they don't dip down, etc. Take charge of your life and that will begin with emotional control of your own behavior.

Oh one more thing, for the first time since the bomb, my w actually hit me on my shoulders while we attended back to school night at s13's school last week. I was kidding around with her didn't even remember what it was but out of her laughter she hit me...that remind me back in the days when we were dating. I think I can claim this as an action base on emotion. I'll take it as a small response from my work in a month lol.

Geez one month, and a hit on the shoulders...there's a LOT of work to do. But it's ok as long as I see little improvements it's worth it.

Newman

How long do you think she felt alone in the m? How long were her needs unmet? I think you know It was more than one month.

And let me ask you this question...it's a tough one but really try to be honest...

are you sure you want to reconcile, or are you just not wanting to lose to OM?

I mean, let's be brutally honest for one minute.

You admit that your w DID tell you she was not happy many times. You did not change.


So, why did it take OM to get you to wake up and take it seriously

(AND play the victim??) Even now, I'm not sure what positive behaviors you are doing as a h to counter her negative images. I know you are now paying attention to the children more, but as a man, as a partner , how are you showing her that marriage to you can be better and different?

IOW

Do you want HER back or do you just want to "win"?