I forgot to mention, our 20th anniversary is coming up in a little over a week and I don't plan on saying a word about it to W. It would be a celebration of a marriage that really only exists on paper for now. We had big plans of a motorcycle vacation just a few months ago to mirror the motorcycle honeymoon we took 20 years ago. My how things have changed in a short amount of time. Oh well, here's hoping the 21st will be different
Originally Posted By: labug
Lots of mind-reading ^^^ but we all do it looking for meaning. Sometimes there is no meaning.
Yeah, I really just talk about the conjecture here. We all want to make sense of what we're going through and even though we can't, I think it's a bit therapeutic to talk about it anyway.
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Some people do store up hurts and the longer you've been together, the more hurt they have. Therefore the more time it will take for them to let go of that, if they ever do. They don't want to be hurt again. This is true in my sitch.
W has said in and out of MC that every complaint she ever had about me has been rectified since BD. She's acknowledged that I've done 180's on every single issue she had. But she says it's too late, she doesn't want to try anymore, etc. She says she's forgiven me and she doesn't show any indications that she's harboring anger towards me for the past. We don't talk about it anymore of course (due to my DBing) but we talked about it a lot during MC. And to be fair, she's hurt me very deeply during our M. The difference is I talked to her about it each time and we worked through it. Whenever I hurt her, she never even mentioned it. She just let it all build until it was "too late".
Originally Posted By: MKB23
Question- You said she asked for money. Did you give it or did I overlook that?
I didn't discuss it because it's a lengthy story, but basically the umbrella insurance covers my home and her belongings in her rental home and our cars, so we're splitting that. Plus there were some medical bills for the kids that we're splitting and there was a cable bill that got pulled from her account instead of mine. So that's the money she was asking for although reading it again it may have sounded like I meant she was just asking for a handout. I was really just trying to make the point that she only contacts me when she needs something, she never contacts me just to say 'hello'. That's on my baby step list
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While I can understand your feelings about your children and them being upset by staying with her. How does she handle it when they are upset?
D15 says she doesn't talk to them much about anything and never about the sitch, and when D15 tried to get answers out of her she didn't say a word. Back when W decided to leave we agreed to talk to the kids together. That ended up with me talking while she sat like a statue. Even when I invited her to talk she just said "you're doing fine." It's easy to think she's just ignoring it all and hoping it'll go away, but I'm guessing it's partially an extension of her internal turmoil and also her long history of having great difficulty communicating with others.
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Is she really seeing what is happening?
Both kids have told her more than once in clear terms that they don't like it there with her, so I'm sure she sees it. Does she care? Hard to say, she doesn't act like she does but maybe inside she does. D15 said she thinks W is "up to something" when they're not around, she said she doesn't think it's an OM but she thinks she's going out partying. That actually doesn't bother me, I think W will need to explore that to remind herself she's not a 20-something anymore. And to be clear, I NEVER push the kids for info on W. I listen when they offer it up, but I usually just respond by asking them how it makes them feel and validating their feelings. I'm not hunting for info.
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While I felt bad that he misunderstood at the same time I felt like perhaps it wasn't such a bad idea if he started to really feel some of the consequences of his leaving. Natural consequences. I could make things easier. I choose not to. I also do not make things more difficult. I simply stand back and let him deal with and navigate his own relationships.
I think that's a wise approach and I feel the same way. W needs to experience the ramifications of her decisions.
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Maybe you are being a bit too helpful to your W?
I most definitely was too helpful, but since going dim a couple of weeks ago that's no longer the case. I've really detached in a big way.
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Also while I understand your point when you say you ask her about work, why not, not ask? lol Meaning don't say anything. Let her take the ball. I think of conversation as that.
I've actually had those thoughts. I just hate to go completely dark unless and until it's absolutely needed though. I'm not asking her anything a casual friend wouldn't, just trying to keep the lines of communication open in case she decides to expand on it.
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Also, you mention all the stuff you do with the kids but not much you are doing just for you! Any classes or anything you are interested in? Any home projects?
I've gotten back into bodybuilding since BD and it's been a great escape. I'm hoping to join the next volleyball league, I used to be an A, AA and sand court doubles player many years ago and would love to get back into it. There's a league on right now that I missed joining by two weeks, so I've got to wait for the next season. I've always got projects going on around the house and have a huge landscaped yard that keeps me occupied as well. I've reestablished contact with some old friends and have been keeping in touch with them, that's been nice. I have plenty to do
