The past couple of days I have really felt like I am letting go even more. It's funny how the vets talk about layers and stages and I feel like I am really starting to get it.
I miss H I am not going to deny that. I don't want my family to break up.
However, I know that this is H's thing now. I don't believe anymore that he cannot be happy in a R with me. I also am starting to see how he contributed to the demise of this M too. The focus on him...was a lot. He set the mood in the house and in our R.
The times when I felt unheard, unloved, not good enough etc. I spent a lot of time trying to make H 'happy' and getting his approval. I wanted him to be proud of me and proud that I was his wife. I wanted his approval. I guess if that's the way I felt in the M I wasn't really getting what I needed and it should have been obvious that in had issues I needed to deal with. But again, this was my wake up call...and I am feeling more and more awake each day.
One thing I have realised and I am happy about is that we are more in sync with parenting. I am making a conscious effort to include him in the majority of decisions about the kids even while he is travelling. And I am informing him about them more. The past two years have been not like that at all. That feels good.
We have had a few non kid related interactions while he has been away. Nothing to write home about but pleasant none the less. He actually started a conversation about his back ( he had surgery back in May) and how he might need a follow up.this is progress as when he went for the surgery back in may he didn't even tell me he was going and what was happening.
He is still with OW so I am grounded. Its probably just his Walls cracking a bit with me as he sees my changes. Maybe we will mange to scrap together some sort of friendship in the long run. But I really have no expectations from him anymore.
So that's it for now. I'm learning, growing, observing and doing so with less and less fear, but more confidence in myself.
Take care dear friends
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
