Just saw H off to Drill...it'll probably end up being one of those nights where I will be walking on eggshells since H didn't get much sleep so will be VERY grumpy and tired when he comes home. I will do my best to be upbeat and understanding...hopefully I will be able to pull it off

Not exactly sure what H's frame of mind was last night when he got home. He was scowling a lot and not very communicative. Instead of asking what was wrong I just stayed quiet most of the night. I told myself that something probaly happened at work that he wasn't real happy about. I tried speaking his LL but I did so rather half-heartedly...it was difficult to get past his non-responsiveness. I will try to do better at this tonight.

I am hoping that drill will have it's usual perk of putting H in a better frame of mind for the coming week. I am fully aware that H needs to be able to go someplace (besides work) away from me once in awhile. It was both of our hope that drill would help to fulfill this need. It has been working so far...fingers crossed

The issue of friendships has been on my mind a bit latley too. I have none except for those that I have online and the bond that I share with my mother. One of H's previous issues was that he felt obligated to fill this gap himself. I have never asked this of him beyond the frienship we share as H and W. H set aside many of the frienships he had developed at work when he came to the realisation that they were destructive (H said my journal opened his eyes to this). He has started to form some new frienships with some older guys at work and I think this is great (the previous group were all younger and single) although he probaly believes I think otherwise after the whole phone call fiasco The problem I run into is HOW do I find friends of my own?

I have always been pretty much of a loner, I don't trust people readily. Even when I am part of a group I tend to stand out and slightly apart...this is what got H's attention in the first place. Given my illness and my inability to go anywhere ALONE this "loner" mode has become pretty pronounced. I also lost friends once I got "sick"...they couldn't deal with the POSSIBILITY that I might have a seizure around them or if we were in public together, it scared the he!! out of them My family is even uncomfortable to an extent around me...Mom goes into full blown panic mode when a seizure occurs. The only people who seem to be able to handle it are H and Pops. Given the description of what happens when I have a seizure I might very well freak out a little myself so I can't really hold anyone at fault.

When H and I discussed some of the things we wanted to change in the R one of them was we wanted to develope some "couple" friendships...we have yet to figure out how to do this given H's messed up job schedule. We do things with my parents but hesitate doing too much given that Mom goes off the deep end too often.

My patience with my glass cage is wearing thin. I feel like one of the Big Cats you see in the zoo...constantly pacing back and forth trying to figure a way out and seeing endless possibilities on the other side of the glass/bars/paddock. I miss being around people and the interaction dynamic but at the same time have gotten to where I can't stand to be in a crowded area for any great length of time. The smells and emotions are overwhelming for me. I think that pre-E I was around people so much that the whole empathy thing was blunted to a great extent...post-E I have little interaction so am WIDE OPEN basically and it is horrible. I usually end up having to ask H or my parents (if I'm with them) to get me out of a store or something NOW and FAST. It isn't a panic attack either ( I thought this the first time it happened) and I don't really know how to explain it

I don't know where I am going with this other than rambling. It is something that needs to change though and I haven't figured out how to do it.

Hugz,
Zoo

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm." - Mahatma Gandhi