H got home from work and sat down on the couch. I snuggled up to him and he pulled me close and just kept hugging me and stroking my arm and back. It felt so good that I thought I would do something nice for him too.
I decided to give him the space he said he needed yesterday
I hugged him hard, kissed him and told him he was beautiful and I went upstairs. I started chatting with a bunch of my snake buddies. I felt good and was laughing and all that. I guess I was up there for about an hour and suddenly I heard stuff SLAMMING around downstairs and the sound go off on the TV. I yelled and asked H if he was ready to go to bed and got no answer so I got out of chat and decided to go see what was up. As I was coming down I askd once again if he was ready to go to bed...he snapped at me and said he had told me no. I asked what was wrong then and got snapped at again...he didn't like having to repeat himself.
I am at a loss at this point so I try speaking H's LL (touch) and he is barely tolerating it. Asked if he is still angry and am told no. I tell him he is very tense and he just shrugs and basically won't talk to me. We go to bed and he is still distant
I just start rubbing his back and stroking him...I don't know what else to do at this point. I say nothing else, just touch. He unwound a little bit...enough to snuggle up to me when he turned to TV off and say ILY. He pretty much stayed glued to me most of the night too...almost pushed me out of bed.
The dogs woke me up this morning to be let out. I turn and look at the clock and H is laying there staring at the ceiling. Says he has been up awhile. After I let the dogs out I go back in and reach out to touch him and he turns away I just let it go and came out here to stop type this.
I tried going back in and H was going back to sleep ? He had told me he wanted up early so I mentioned his coffe was going to get cold. He won't look at me or talk to me. I asked him if he was still upset and he shook his head no, I asked if he wanted to sleep so he could avoid me (like he did this summer) and he shook his head no. I told him he was scaring me a little and I walked out.
Right now I am pretty scared. I keep telling myself that I am reading too much into this, that my hormones are just going overboard (yeah, it looks like I might just be having PMS for the first time in 12 years...damn endo is kicking again and the pain is horrible) but the fear is still there. This is insane after all this time...we shouldn't be going through this crap at all. I can't help thinking to myself "WHAT HAVE I DONE??" I returned to the basics and this is what is happening?
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Quote: I decided to give him the space he said he needed yesterday
it sure looked like he didn't want that space at that time...maybe he is upset because he wanted to just snuggle and you got up and went off with your chat...
don't make too much of it, especially if you THINK it's hormones, cause if you think it is HORMONES, it usually is
This is what I did and I'm still not sure if it helped much but at least he is talking now?
I apologised for my behaviour and told H that I was ashamed of myself. I told him that I had figured out what was wrong and it was inexcusable for me to lay the brunt of it on him. I asked him if I had done too much damage and was told no. I also asked him if he was still happy and comfortable at the core of everything despite the past few days and he said yes. Throughout all of this the expression on his face went from "great, here we go again" to something a bit less grim.
That distance was still there though...just not so far away? Despite his assurance that everything was ok I couldn't get past his body language. It was too much like it was a year ago...when he was telling me that everything was fine and it wasn't That whole placation factor is looming large.
What can I say, I'm miserable and ashamed of myself...I hate when I get all whiny like this, it grates on my nerves. What a conundrum I have weaved this time around.
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
seriously zoo, don't make this much out of it. you know, i have come to the conclusion that men have their own stinking PERIODS...
they have their emotions, their ups and downs
is there ANY positives from the last week you can share with us??? please don't go to the stinking thinking about how his mood is the same as blah blah blah
Odga, I missed your post and I apologise for that. I would hazard to guess that the best thing about my hitting the wrong button last night was that it saved everyone here from having to endure another one of my lengthy posts
Yeah, I admit it...I'm WORDY
And it was a positive for H to be in a better mood. Granted, it wasn't the great mood I have gotten used to here recently but it was better then when he was yelling at me. Thank you odga
Kitti, Thanks for looking out for me lady Your right, I am making too much out of it and I really should know better. Guess I just needed to wallow a lil bit. Even us strong types need to take off the armor once in awhile
Positives huh, my memory is kinda sucky right now. See right there is something I forgot...Zoo should not try to be reasonable or try to R talk the day after she has a seizure...Zoo ALWAYS makes a mess of things then because her mouth and her brain function as two totally seperate entities. Dumb Zoo, very,very dumb
Things to Remember 1. Seizures=Brain Fart...do not talk about anything remotely connected to R until at least 3 days have passed after this occur.
2. PMS/DMS and Endo...Pain and hormones are not a good combination. Refrain from emotional issues when these things occur. Emotional issues are not life-or-death and it won't hurt anything, other then your feelings, for them to wait awhile.
3. A combination of all the above is tantamount to the explosion of a nuclear warhead. If taken to extreme they could alter life as you know it. Best thing to do is curl up in a ball and read a book at times like this rather then open mouth and insert foot. Wait until your mind clears and the pain is gone to tackle anything serious.
Positives for today (I really am fuzzy about last week, I'm sure there were positives but I can't remember):
1. H was not as angry as he was yesterday before he went to work.
2. H DID come home for supper rather then stay at work to avoid me yesterday.
3. H was curteous on IM tonight. He said brb when he went away from the comp while talking to me. This was something I asked him to do a couple of weeks ago so he wouldn't have a bunch of annoying IM's hanging there because I didn't realize he was gone. He hasn't been real good at this but remembered tonight
4. H sent me ILY smileys on IM and seemed more upbeat and more animated(less one word responses ).
5. H is still coming to me/seeking me out to kiss and hug me good-bye.
6. H is still saying ILY first most of the time.
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Well, it seems as if the ill-wind has stopped blowing so hard over this way
I actually wet over to my Mom's last night and we had a pleasant evening with NO talk about her M and very little about mine. I told her that h seemed to be getting over his anger and she told me that she was taking my advice ( ) and things were going really well with her and pops.
She did tell me that pops had come home from work and made a strange comment...he said "I know what is wrong with Sis...H has drill this weekend and she's gone hormonal about it." Ma and I were both perplexed by that, apparently H and pops were talking at work and this is the conclusion they came too?? We got a good laugh out of that one Particularly since H didn't even know my hormones were involved until yesterday
H was very affectionate and snuggly today. He ASKED me to rub on him rather then my having to ask him if he wanted me to. This was a pleasant surprise considering H woke up and found that the pressure valve to the well had froze up again and we had no water. That usually puts him in a bad mood but instead he just crawled back into bed wanting some quality time
Emotionally I feel better now...just wish I felt better physically as well I hope I'm not coming down with something, H will worry about me too much while he is at drill and I don't want him to do that.
Thanks for putting up with my nuttiness this week folks, i really appreciate it
hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Just saw H off to Drill...it'll probably end up being one of those nights where I will be walking on eggshells since H didn't get much sleep so will be VERY grumpy and tired when he comes home. I will do my best to be upbeat and understanding...hopefully I will be able to pull it off
Not exactly sure what H's frame of mind was last night when he got home. He was scowling a lot and not very communicative. Instead of asking what was wrong I just stayed quiet most of the night. I told myself that something probaly happened at work that he wasn't real happy about. I tried speaking his LL but I did so rather half-heartedly...it was difficult to get past his non-responsiveness. I will try to do better at this tonight.
I am hoping that drill will have it's usual perk of putting H in a better frame of mind for the coming week. I am fully aware that H needs to be able to go someplace (besides work) away from me once in awhile. It was both of our hope that drill would help to fulfill this need. It has been working so far...fingers crossed
The issue of friendships has been on my mind a bit latley too. I have none except for those that I have online and the bond that I share with my mother. One of H's previous issues was that he felt obligated to fill this gap himself. I have never asked this of him beyond the frienship we share as H and W. H set aside many of the frienships he had developed at work when he came to the realisation that they were destructive (H said my journal opened his eyes to this). He has started to form some new frienships with some older guys at work and I think this is great (the previous group were all younger and single) although he probaly believes I think otherwise after the whole phone call fiasco The problem I run into is HOW do I find friends of my own?
I have always been pretty much of a loner, I don't trust people readily. Even when I am part of a group I tend to stand out and slightly apart...this is what got H's attention in the first place. Given my illness and my inability to go anywhere ALONE this "loner" mode has become pretty pronounced. I also lost friends once I got "sick"...they couldn't deal with the POSSIBILITY that I might have a seizure around them or if we were in public together, it scared the he!! out of them My family is even uncomfortable to an extent around me...Mom goes into full blown panic mode when a seizure occurs. The only people who seem to be able to handle it are H and Pops. Given the description of what happens when I have a seizure I might very well freak out a little myself so I can't really hold anyone at fault.
When H and I discussed some of the things we wanted to change in the R one of them was we wanted to develope some "couple" friendships...we have yet to figure out how to do this given H's messed up job schedule. We do things with my parents but hesitate doing too much given that Mom goes off the deep end too often.
My patience with my glass cage is wearing thin. I feel like one of the Big Cats you see in the zoo...constantly pacing back and forth trying to figure a way out and seeing endless possibilities on the other side of the glass/bars/paddock. I miss being around people and the interaction dynamic but at the same time have gotten to where I can't stand to be in a crowded area for any great length of time. The smells and emotions are overwhelming for me. I think that pre-E I was around people so much that the whole empathy thing was blunted to a great extent...post-E I have little interaction so am WIDE OPEN basically and it is horrible. I usually end up having to ask H or my parents (if I'm with them) to get me out of a store or something NOW and FAST. It isn't a panic attack either ( I thought this the first time it happened) and I don't really know how to explain it
I don't know where I am going with this other than rambling. It is something that needs to change though and I haven't figured out how to do it.
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
i have been thinking the same things about friendships lately. i have the opp to have friends, but i just have no money so i never do anything with them.
nothing stopping me from hanging with them at their houses tho, so i might give that a try when i get back from california
support groups always are a great place to meet friends. is there anything in your area in regards to your seizures? i would check with your doctor/nurse to find out, that would be a good place to start
if i come up with any other ideas, will get back to you, until then, just keep swimming
). 
