How do I deal with this text message

[job]

As a courtesy to her, I would advise her that you are going directly to a concert after work and will not be coming home first. You do not need to tell her anything else.

[SunnyBurst]

As a courtesy to her, I would advise her that you are going directly to a concert after work and will not be coming home first. You do not need to tell her anything else.

I did just that she went to church with us on Sunday but did not want to go to my mom's with us --

I have to say that I see a lot of posts here and I have yet to see any type of information on "what are the odds" == what are the chances that someone will ever come out of a MLC and how many do - most posts I see are people that ended in divorce anyway - I am really going out of my mind !!!

[reachingHigher]

Sunny, I struggled with that so much and still do. What are the odds?
We all want it to work out for us & soon. The pain is terrible, I know.

Check out the thread " Why the MLCer is so distant" in this forum. The first couple pages have opinions on that. It's encouraging but we still have to go the journey.

And know to take care of yourself. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Even to tell myself to eat.

Take care of yourself,
rH

[ericmsant2]

Sunny

I work in the financial markets and I also work a tiny part time job in a music store

I work in finance as well.

I am also an aspiring Christian Musician

The next Creed or Skillet? 

Eric I see you been a member a long time can you tell me what brought you here and your story ??[quote]
The gory details can be found here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...631#Post2157631
The first page has links to all of my other threads..

Keep in mind everybody’s sitch is different. Are there similarities? Yes but each and every one of us is unique in our own way. Take the advice that you think works for you.

[quote]I did but I can't seem to find where he is at in his journey now

Yeah I need to open up a new thread. In short, Life is good for me, my kids are happy, I live with my GF and I am grateful for the experience that I gained going thru this process.

How to know what to do

This quote ^^^ says a lot dude. A lot about what stage people are in when they first arrive. You may not get what I am saying right now but I am gonna tell you that at the end of the day…YOU WILL NEED TO DO WHAT YOU THINK YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOU. Take responsibility for your own actions. Live them dude. Embrace that you will make mistakes. In the end, whatever happens will happen.

I have to say that I see a lot of posts here and I have yet to see any type of information on "what are the odds" == what are the chances that someone will ever come out of a MLC and how many do - most posts I see are people that ended in divorce anyway - I am really going out of my mind !!!

If I told you that you had a one in a million chance to get your W back. To have a totally happy, great sex M with your W – would you take the odds? That answer is for you Sunny. I am not here to tell you that you should or should not stand for your W. That buddy is your call. Personally, I say F*ck odds. You may not see it now, but at the end of the day….ONLY YOU say when it is over! You really are in control.

[ForeverYoung]

[quote=snodderly]I have to say that I see a lot of posts here and I have yet to see any type of information on "what are the odds" == what are the chances that someone will ever come out of a MLC and how many do - most posts I see are people that ended in divorce anyway - I am really going out of my mind !!!

My research over the last 6 months shows the chance of R and return to a happy marriage to be slim. Substantially less than 50/50 anyway. All the more reason we need to concentrate on ourselves and not them.

[SunnyBurst]

If I told you that you had a one in a million chance to get your W back. To have a totally happy, great sex M with your W – would you take the odds? That answer is for you Sunny. I am not here to tell you that you should or should not stand for your W. That buddy is your call. Personally, I say F*ck odds. You may not see it now, but at the end of the day….ONLY YOU say when it is over! You really are in control.

I would have said yes a few months ago but I am starting to fall out of love with her - her cruelty and indifference are just getting to much to bear for me -- I can't understand why if she wants a divorce why we are working on the house -- DB says we can't ask about the relationship at all -- but why not -- if she wants to do all this work but wants to go out and hookup as well - whats the point -- I feel like I am just feeding into the insanity -- let them do what they want when they want, have no expectations - let them have no responsibility.

[SunnyBurst]

[quote=snodderly]I have to say that I see a lot of posts here and I have yet to see any type of information on "what are the odds" == what are the chances that someone will ever come out of a MLC and how many do - most posts I see are people that ended in divorce anyway - I am really going out of my mind !!!

My research over the last 6 months shows the chance of R and return to a happy marriage to be slim. Substantially less than 50/50 anyway. All the more reason we need to concentrate on ourselves and not them.

I think one of the dangers of DBing is that our spouses lose respect for us how can you love and respect someone who lets you do whatever you want and takes it with no responsibility. I feel if I had been stronger from the beginning of this whole fiasco and said here is the line cross it and we're done - now it's to late - who wants someone who you can abuse the [censored] out of you and you just take it.

[ericmsant2]

Sunny

I would have said yes a few months ago but I am starting to fall out of love with her

I sooo get this dude. Hey, when you were married….do you remember the for better or for worse vow? This is the worse part.

her cruelty and indifference are just getting to much to bear for me

Cruelty OR indifference? I suspect it is the indifference and NOT cruelty. Cause if it is cruelty as in she keeps you locked in the basement naked with no food or water, then I suspect that you would have filed. The indifference is HARD dude. I know. Trying to live with someone who shows you NOTHING is tough. Especially if all you are doing is LOOKING AT HER.

I can't understand why if she wants a divorce why we are working on the house

Mine wanted to redo the bathroom after she told me she wanted a divorce. MLC makes no sense dude. So are YOU “working on the house” or is she? Are YOU investing money in the house or is SHE? Do you want to fix the house or does SHE? Are you doing everything SHE wants and therefore you feel like a f*cking punching bag?

If you want to fix the house – fix it. If it make sense for you to fix (regardless of if you stay married or not) then fix it. If you are FIXING the house for HER – then stop.

DB says we can't ask about the relationship at all

Eric’s top 10 reason why not to have R discussions when you live in the house with a batchit crazy MLCer..

1 – They are crazy
2 – You are way too emotional cause chances are this is the first time you are dealing with someone who is crazy
3 – cause YOU STILL FEEL that something YOU say will snap her as* out of “it”. Sorry ain’t gonna happen.
4 – Cause the more you push her – the more she will push back
5 – Cause if you are trying to save a marriage you do that with actions NOT words
6 – Cause chances are your not getting sex, she is looking good, your horny and really pissed off- and when you are pissed off nothing positive can come out of your mouth.
7 – Talking to your W = stress for your W. Stress = higher probability of divorce.
8 – They are not only crazy but NOT rational. Why would you try and have a rational conversation with someone who is NOT rational.
9 - Your probably really pissed the F off, feeling like a doormat and so do you really think it would be a GOOD conversation.
10 – You still have expectations, which will not be met and piss you off even more.

let them have no responsibility.

No one said they should have no responsibility. We, the LBS’s tend to do that, we tend to think that if we are really nice, if we really cave to everything THEY want that maybe they will see that we are sorry. So I agree she should have some responsibility and so should YOU. You are responsible for YOU, how you FEEL, what YOU do, how YOU live YOUR life and she is responsible for HER.

I think one of the dangers of DBing is that our spouses lose respect for us how can you love and respect

A couple of small changes to the above…..”The dangers of NOT DBing, is continuing to LOOSE respect for ONESELF. DB is about respect and healthy boundaries.

I feel if I had been stronger from the beginning of this whole fiasco and said here is the line cross it and we're done - now it's to late

Oh I hear you dude…obviously you must have hit some of the anger that we all go through. Could have been “stronger” – Yeah maybe, but probably also could have been smarter too. We all make mistakes in our R’s. We usually carry forward the baggage from our childhood and life, so please don’t think that “strength” alone would fix this. You need to take a step back and figure out where YOU went wrong cause that is the only thing you can fix. As for being “too late”. F*ck that! It’s never too late – if you think it is, well then, pack her or your chit and call it a day. I would suggest though, that you try and at least fix some of the issues you brought to the M; otherwise you may find yourself here again.

Look Sunny, I really am not trying to be an as* here. I just wonder if you have really given this M all you have. Personally, I think not but that is just me. My straight to the point advice is this….

1) Stop fixing the house and start enjoying your life a little bit.
2) Let her go, at least emotionally. Stop paying attention to the chit she does.
3) Stop being a friend or someone she can talk to when she feels like it. Personally, I would ignore her without being a total di*k. If you were out enjoying your life you wouldn’t be around much.
4) I would really focus on my music aspiration
5) You talk about being a good Christian…well what does the bible teach us. Turn a cheek? E? So get back to church and help some folks out.
6) My final piece of advice….write a song dude!

God Bless,
Eric

[ForeverYoung]

That was some nice 2x4 swinging there eric. I had to duck a couple of times myself!

[ForeverYoung]

I think one of the dangers of DBing is that our spouses lose respect for us how can you love and respect someone who lets you do whatever you want and takes it with no responsibility. I feel if I had been stronger from the beginning of this whole fiasco and said here is the line cross it and we're done - now it's to late - who wants someone who you can abuse the [censored] out of you and you just take it.

Go post your story on a forum like ‘talk about marriage’ and you will be flooded with advice to file for D ASAP and teach her a lesson. Then read the stories here where LBS’s doormat it for years and years, no matter the results. There has to be a happy medium somewhere in between. Maybe set up a time frame you're willing to wait it out while working on yourself. One year, 6 months, 30 days, whatever you know you can commit to. Then after that time you re-evaluate and decide what to do next. Since you’re here you must have some commitment to save the M.