Rough night last night. I was basically in the bed all day yesterday sick. I go through the living room on my way to the kitchen around 5 pm and my H asks to talk to me. He tells me that he's got a contact for an interview for a job in NC, and he plans on calling his parents and talking to them about moving back home THIS WEEK - as in tomorrow or Wednesday.
Needless to say this came as a shock since he had previously told me that he would not move until he found a job. I asked him why the rush to move. He says he needs a new environment and maybe that will provide some clarity. I'm going to be honest and tell you that I didn't validate his feelings at all. For the first time in a long time, I called him on all his BS...in a loving, nice way, of course. LOL
I told him that I feel like he's running from something and whatever that is, it's not my fault, I'm paying the price for it. He keeps repeated the same thing over and over again: He's tried all he can. He doesn't want to be married to me - but he still loves me.
He did finally admit that he is scared to open his heart back up to me. We cried alot, held each other, cried some more. I did tell him that I still wasn't ready to give up on us, but I couldn't stop him from moving. I told him that even if we didn't make it, he still would have to open his heart enough to forgive me for what he thinks I've done to him, and to forgive himself for the things he's done. I told him that I believe that he thinks we can't get past the infidelity. He said I am definitely a bigger person for forgiving him for that, when he can't seem to forgive me.
It was all very strange. I could tell during the conversation, that he was struggling with wanting to stay and wanting to go. It's as if he has his priniciples, and won't back down from them, even if he knows it could be good. He did say that if we ever stand a chance, he needs to do this. There was a lot more said, but I can't think of it all now. He came to bed last night and held me like he hadn't in months. And we held each other this morning before I left for work. It's all very crazy.
I know I'll be okay, but today is just not a good day. I just want to bury my head under the covers and never come out again. I knew this day would come, and it would hurt. And it does. I know I'm not the first person to go through this, and I won't be the last. But I'm going to be honest...THIS [censored]!
I also wrote him a LONG letter last night letting it all out, and left it for him to read today. I told him some things he never knew about me. Explained some of the reasons I am the way I am. Not hoping it will change his mind, but for my own peace of mind, I needed to write it. Now I can say...I've done all I can.
I've been thinking, I'm not sure once he leaves, I'll want him back. I mean he'll be the one who left. If I'm not worth it to fight for now, I will be later?
