I've decided to start a new thread for a couple reasons: First, my last thread is getting perilously close to closing, and second because I feel this coming week (and my preparations for it) needs to stand on its own.
My Previous Thread, which you can follow all the way back to the beginning of the sitch if you're so inclined:
So if you've been following along, you may remember that this Friday, I'll be seeing my wife for the first time in 4 months when she comes back down to "Our Home" to pack as much of her stuff as she can fit into two SUVs and head back to her new home a few hundred miles away.
This weekend is also the opportunity I've needed to have a conversation with W about our R, mostly about how although I'm fighting for our M every single day, I can't continue to be a part of her life so long as OM is in the picture. As you can no doubt tell, this is extremely nerve-wracking for me... Not only to have this long-overdue conversation, but in weighing out the ramifications of said conversation.
I've spent the better part of the last week nervous as hell about this. I'm trying to rehearse my "speech" over and over again, trying to figure out the timing of when to give it (as she's asked me to help her pack on Friday before her room mate comes down on Saturday) and exactly how I'm going to prepare for this whole thing.
I realize that no matter the level of prep I put in, I'm not going to get to a point that I'm completely comfortable. I won't be able to script out much of the conversation at all, as this whole situation is awfully fluid... As a matter of fact, the more I prepare for "the conversation" by going over what I'm going to say, the more nervous I get... Knowing that I can only rehearse this in a vacuum, and I can't predict what her reactions are going to be, what her questions will be, or how this will go down at all.
So my biggest goal for this week is this: I need to work extremely hard on keeping a positive mental attitude and prepare to act "As If" this weekend.
I know that I'm in a very unique situation here, and I need to look at the positives. I'm getting a chance that many people in my situation don't get... After 4 months of me working on me, both physically and mentally, I am going to get a chance to interact with my W while we're under the same roof. While many of my physical changes will be evident right away, I've also been given the theater that my wife may be able to notice the mental changes that have occurred as well. If she doesn't, well then she doesn't, but at the very least I'll be proud on Sunday that my changes are for real and lasting, and don't wilt under the stare of my W.
I've been given the opportunity to have between 12 and 24 hours to truly battle for this R. That doesn't mean I'll be begging, pleading, pursuing or caving. Not at all. But it does mean that all the work I've done over these months is going to be put to the test... One I'm confident I'll pass.
This week, I'll be focusing on acting as if this weekend is going to go well. That I'll be able to have this conversation, set my personal boundaries, show W that while I still love her and want our M to work, I won't be an option or a doormat. While I'm fighting for our M every day, I won't be fighting alone while she is with OM. And while I love her tremendously, I've learned to love myself at least as much as her, and I know that I'm worth fighting for too. Maybe one day she'll see that, and maybe she won't. But I do see that today, and my goal is for that to become more and more clear to myself with each passing day.
This Friday may be the most important battle of this war so far, so I'll work on my PMA and acting as if, and I'll realize that no matter which way this battle falls, the war isn't over until I say it is. I won't get too high or too low no matter what happens. (Well, I may get too high or too low for a little bit on these boards... but that's just me )
You CAN do this! Most important thing I can think of is to shut your mouth and listen. Manage to say what you need to with as little recriminations and animosity as possible and do it matter of factly. Then shut up. lol I have faith that this is going to be a step forward for you!
What if you simply said to her "It's been awhile, and I'm sure we've both done a lot of thinking about this. So tell me, (wife's first name): what are your intentions with regard to this marriage?"
I understand what you're saying about "going first," but the problem with that is, you can't deliver an "I won't abide X, Y or Z" speech when the other person hasn't even ASKED their way back into the marriage in any way. So this way, if her intentions are to end the marriage, you can say "Well, that's not what I wanted, as you know, but it's probably for the best as this isn't working for me, either" . . . and if she says ANYTHING about wanting to work things out, then you can say "I'm not sure HOW I feel about that anymore; clearly, X, Y and Z would have to happen for me to even consider it. I'm in a good place right now, and as much as I really don't want to divorce, the fact is that I simply can't go back to the way things were before, nor can I abide a third persorn in our marriage."
Starsky, I LOVE it... Strangely enough, this is EXACTLY what IC suggested I do as well... To make a simple statement in the beginning asking something along the lines of "So what's going on here?" Keeping it open ended and allowing her to state what her intentions are.
Unfortunately, that's as far as I can plan, as there are a million answers that could come out of her mouth. Although I think it really boils down to three most likely responses:
(In order of likelihood IMHO)
1. She brings up D for the first time.
2. She states her uncertainty over the current situation.
3. (A very distant 3) She says she would be open to working on our R.
My issue with your response to her wanting to end the marriage is this: If I state that "It's probably for the best", isn't that me giving up, or showing signs that I'm giving up the fight? What if I went about it in more of this way:
"Well W, as you know, this isn't what I want here. Whether you've been able to see it or not, I've been fighting HARD for our M, working on myself and the things I did to contribute to your unhappiness, and growing as a person. That being said, if it is your decision to end this M, I won't stand in the way. I don't want to be an obstacle to your happiness, and I don't want this M to be an obstacle to my happiness either by continuing to fight for a M that only I want."
There ARE, admittedly, two schools of thought on this subject, Alk. One is more "standing and fighting" and the other is more "letting them go." Both have valid pluses and minuses. The "this isn't working for me either" statement does carry some risks with it, but if you take as your underlying assumption that it's NOT working for you, and that whatever "x" "y" and "z" are, they are things that YOU COULDN'T HAVE ABIDED ANYWAY, then really . . . where's the risk?
We'll talk more this week, I'm sure, but one over-arching thing to keep in mind as it relates to your anxiety about how many different ways the conversation can go:
Learn the beauty of "Hmmmm; I'll have to think about that."
You DON'T have to commit to anything right then, and in fact we would strongly advise you NOT TO, anyway. Statements such as "I'll have to think about that and get back to you," and "I'm not sure how I feel about that," or "That's an interesting idea; I'll have to give it some thought" are great ways to listen, validate, and NOT COMMIT TO ANYTHING.
The problem you're having is what a lot of us guy/fixer/pleaser types do: you're thinking that with just SOME perfect combination of words and phrases, you might get your wife to see the light and get her back.
I think the problem is, you're not ready to hear her say what she may say. Until you get to that point, you really can't (or won't) lead. Not that either is better or worse, it's just where you are, acting on emotion.
Maybe this discussion needs to be a fact-finding mission, you ask the question that Starsky and your IC posed and then listen. No decisions need to be on that day. I'm reading Dance of Connection and the author says that difficult conversations like this should be done in two steps. Makes sense to me.
Let go of the she might say this or that and just listen, you don't have to respond. And set a time limit, don't let it drag on forever.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Chatter, thanks for linking those topics. Very inspiring!
labug and Starsky, thanks for your input. I think you're both right, that this is more of a fact-finding mission and NOT the time for me making rash decisions... "Let me think about that" may very well end up being a mantra this weekend... And the best part is that's a HUGE 180 for me, as I always want to work things out IMMEDIATELY, something that I know drove W crazy, as she's much more of a "Think it out" type than I am.
I highly doubt she'll volunteer information about OM, so is this something that I should ask about?
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