Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[Zoo]

Ok, I have not had a good day once again.

I totally pissed H off today. I pissed him off last night too

I lack in tact. It is something I am constantly working on and something i fail at miserably. Lat nights scenario was a direct reflection of this.

I asked H point blank if he was lying about a phone call that had come in. I was THINKING of the best way to ask about the phone call without it seeming like I was inferring anything. Unfortunately, in the process the words came out of my mouth when I was thinking them. Nothing I could do about it after they came out really. H blew up I TRIED to explain my line of thought better but H wouldn't listen. He totally tuned me out so i went upstairs and wrote out my last journal entry. When I finally came back down he seemed to have gotten over it and was fairly amenable the rest of the night...even snuggled in bed and chit-chatted.

I should explain up front that I am not one of those women who is bothered by porn. I have no problem with the occasional looky-looky and I am all for self-gratification when it is so desired. I peruse it myself occasionally as well...I figure anything that adds spice to one's sex life , within reason, is a good thing.

H has never been particularly comfortable with my openness in this matter. He has been working on it though and has gotten better and is less secretive about it. I have pretty much only asked one thing in regard to this area...if your going to do this either let me know (so I can extend the courtesy of not interupting) or let me watch

H has finally gotten to the point where he will let me watch but he fails miserably when it comes to letting me know. He gets angry if I ask if I would be "interrupting" if I come upstairs and he gets angry if I just come upstairs without asking at all. I've tried the tact of assuming there is a good possibility that he is "occupied" and not gone upstairs at all...he gets angry about this. It is almost like it is a no win situation.

I went upstairs today without even thinking of the "possibily". I was doing paperwork and needed something from up there. I apologised for the interruption and and once again told H that he should have told me of his intention and I would have waited until he was done. He said I wasn't bothering him so I sat down to see what he was looking at (curiousity ) I didn't sit there very long (personally I found what he was looking at rather boring) and in the process of getting ready to leave I apologised once again. I got an earful on that one...was told to "shut my suck" and leave it alone, he was tired of my yapping. That in turn set me off and i said "wtf, why are you yelling at me for being courteous?" He turned his stuff off and slammed downstairs saying I had ruined things and he wasn't interested now. This just continued to devolve of course.

I started spewing all the crap I've been repressing the past couple of weeks, he accused me of being paranoid, he drug in the previous nights disagreement...telling me what I should have said instead of what I did, I tried diffusing the conflict by being reasonable and calm and telling him WHAT had brought out some of my actions. i apologised for my lack of tact in regards to some questions, he told me to think first and find a better way of saying things. I told him all I do is think but even thinking didn't seem to work because he still seemed to get angry and assume I was accusing him of cheating on me again (this seems to be a major failing point of many of our conversations). I ASSURED him that my questions had nothing to do with that crap, that I was comfortable that he would keep his word in this area for the most part. I admitted that my reference to my dreams might make that a contrary statement but rather then ASSume that my dreams were portentious I opted to ask him about it.

THEN he started debunking my dreams...telling me they were BS and in no way could they be portentious, that NO ONE dreamed that way. I was shocked that he said this I think I actually stood there with my mouth gaping open.

Darn, I have to go...i will finish this later i guess.
Zoo