Is it really possible for a WAS who is now the LBS to save her marriage? I am trying to find some success stories on here to give me hope but haven't been able to I am going to move on with the mindset he's gone, because he is and I don't know if he will come back and I can't keep hoping he will. I have to in order to bring normalcy back into my life and my daughters. I am still going to read DR as I think it will help me regardless of the outcome. In the meantime, I will have to "go dark" in order to be able to function properly. Any words of wisdom or success stories would be appreciated. Hugs to all.
I actually successfully restored my marriage once previously after H had moved in with OW. I did not keep up the changes and slid back into old patterns and am back here again. So yes, it can and does work. You have to work it though. Sometimes it can take a bit to really let it sink in and decide that you are absolutely determined and going to fight for what you want. You CAN do this! Even if he has moved out. With children there will be many, many opportunities to show him you have changed and things have changes. Get ready for those! I hope you have DR. It really is important to read it. Remember to work through it and identify your goals. Once you do that you can see ways to change your behaviors to bring you closer to what you want! Going dark REALLY helps but is really the hardest thing you will ever do. It gives them a break from you so they can sort things out, it also gives them a chance to actually miss you and your kids. One thing I noticed is I had to stop contacting my H for any reason. I decided that if he was interested in what the kids were doing then he would have to be proactive and take the necessary steps to talk to them and find out what is going on in their lives. In the meantime, when he would call, I simply didn't really talk to him. I was cheerful, said sure they are here, put them on the phone and really didn't say anything unnecessary and certainly didn't ask anything unless it was directly related to plans with kids. Nothing else, didn't ask about work, friends, family, nothing unless I absolutely had to. You CAN do this!
If you are concerned about your daughter being around OW then set some boundaries. I did the first time round with my H. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was a line not to be crossed and frankly, once I started standing up for myself he respected it.
Thanks so much for the response. I can't keep waiting tho - I have to move on. I have to FORGET about him and not worry about him in order to survive, literally. I have to focus on myself and my daughter. Is that possible to do? Still waiting for the book but have a few articles from here about going dark and pursuit and distance. I stayed in my room last night and he came in and said good night. I'm not initiating any conversations. I did not do his laundry when he got home nor did I make him supper. He has made his decision and I have to move on. But I do love him very much and hope we can reconcile but I can't put my life on hold to wait and see. Is that the right attitude to have?
Yes, it absolutely is possible! However, don't think of it as waiting. You are moving on. Moving on to a better you and being a better mom too. It doesn't mean you forget exactly. Just change your priorities. He is no longer your focus. You seem hung up on this idea of waiting. The point is that nothing happens immediately. Meaning D is not immediate so put the time to good use. Seriously. When you improve you and take the focus off him, he actually WILL notice.
We are not legally married - been common law for 15 years. So there will really not be a Divorce per say. Just a separation agreement and the selling of our home. Does that change things?
I have decided to ask H to move out. After last nights anxiety attack and talking with friends I think it is the only way for me to focus on myself and my daughter to get better. Has anyone been in a situation where they have had to ask to WAS/MLCer to move out or is this a bad decision when I still do want my marriage to work?
I sort of did that. When W and I were in MC W kept saying there was no chance for us and that she felt like she needed to move out. So I encouraged her to do so. I didn't specifically order her to move out, but I told her I supported her decision and agreed that it would likely be best for both of us. So I guess I would suggest asking your H if he thinks he will eventually move out, and if he says yes, then tell him you support him and think he should move out sooner rather than later (assuming that's what you want). In reading the WAS reconciliation stories around here, it seems that movement in the relationship doesn't usually happen until S. If there is no S then things just seem to remain in limbo indefinitely (not always the case, but most of the time it is).
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I'm not giving up but letting him go for me and my daughter.
It was very, very tough on me after W announced she was leaving but was still living at home. After she left it was much easier for me to detach and my PMA improved a lot.
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Is it really possible for a WAS who is now the LBS to save her marriage? I am trying to find some success stories on here to give me hope but haven't been able to
Did you read all the links I posted earlier? You're never going to find a sitch that's exactly like yours (no two are alike), but there are plenty of success stories. There is always hope, as much hope as you care to hold in your heart.
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I am going to move on with the mindset he's gone, because he is and I don't know if he will come back and I can't keep hoping he will. I have to in order to bring normalcy back into my life and my daughters.
You have to do what is best for your physical and mental health. If that means "dropping the rope" then so be it.
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I am still going to read DR as I think it will help me regardless of the outcome. In the meantime, I will have to "go dark" in order to be able to function properly. Any words of wisdom or success stories would be appreciated. Hugs to all.
Quite right, DR will help you regardless of what happens. It's about making yourself a better, more attractive, more mysterious, more appealing person. Often this is what draws the WAS back.
Denver dropped the rope, told his wife he was letting her go (and he 100% meant it) and the next day she asked to reconcile. So yes, there are success stories. Unfortunately there are no guarantees. We all want guarantees, but there are none. That's the beauty of DB, it improves YOU. So regardless of what happens in the M, you emerge a better, stronger, more confident person.
Essentially, this is what he did to me, he "dropped the rope" when I was WAS and now I am living my worst fear and nightmare. He WANTS me to move on, this is what he has told people. I don't know how much of it is true, there has been mixed messages from him since the start but now there is just silence and more and more time spent with OW and away from me and our daughter. Like you said I need to focus on making me a better person and a better mom. Maybe he will notice and come back, maybe he won't. If he does I would take him back with complete open arms but as someone said, Cadet I think, I have the gift of TIME right now to work through my issues and form a better relationship with myself and my daughter. He's an adult and has to go through this on his own and if it is truly what he wants then I can't stop him.
Life I guess. We got engaged about 7 years ago and then bought a house and started to try and have a family. We battle infertility issues and then a long lengthy adoption process for 6 years until our daughter came along 4 years ago. Then we built another house after she came and then shortly after is when my MLC began. So its not as if we never wanted to, just other things, like our daughter were more important to both of us. Anothe reason why this is so hard, we fought for 6 years to get that little girl and now its like this I know kids "adjust" and that's what everyone force fed me when I was MLC-ing and for almost 2 years I didn't believe that, not until April when I gave up. But I don't want to give up anymore - but still have to move forward. So does being "common law" make a difference do you think?
I am going to move on with the mindset he's gone, because he is and I don't know if he will come back and I can't keep hoping he will. I have to in order to bring normalcy back into my life and my daughters. I am still going to read DR as I think it will help me regardless of the outcome. In the meantime, I will have to "go dark" in order to be able to function properly. Any words of wisdom or success stories would be appreciated. Hugs to all.