Back again

[MKB23]

So I realize I just posted that. H and I had a really horrible phone conversation in which I tried to reason with him and I finally (I think) have it through my head that he is simply insane. Then I ran into one of his friends and made things even worse by saying something rude and childish about where his head might be. Sigh. I think I just need to shut up. Seriously. My mouth is my biggest problem. I am even pretty much okay with the detaching otherwise but I just open it up and screw up. Not sure how to fix this or if I even can. I think it is just time for me to be and worry about me totally. So long as he is not causing more damage to the kids it's all good. I have to focus on them and school for another 8 months then I am done.

I will say that all of this has made me rethink my nursing specialty. In the past, I really wanted to go to anesthesia school. Now, though I am giving sincere consideration to mental health nurse practitioner. All the depression and addiction I have seen people go through. Not to mention my own family. I just wondered if maybe I am getting clear signs about my path that I had been overlooking.

Also, I have been thinking about church. I definitely consider myself a Christian but I have not been going to church. In fact, I have been actively searching for signs lately. Even before H left. Possibly in part to my own feelings of hopelessness in my M. The twins have expressed a desire to return to church. Not sure how to even find a church. In the past, I just went to my familys church. Living here, I have never attended church in this area.
Thoughts..?

[Wendylon]

I'm so stupid. Really. I continue to do exactly what I know I should not!!! I need to super glue my lips together or something.

Hi MKB,

I could have said that verbatim. I get really annoyed with myself as I notice myself say things that I should know are only going to make the sitch worse. Then again, we are noticing it about ourselves. That has to mean that at some point, we'll catch ourselves just before we're about to go down a cheeseless tunnel once again and inhibit.

Unfortunately, I don't have any great advice except to say that I find reading your sitch both painful because I can so relate to how you're feeling and reassuring because it makes me feel that many of us are probably in the same boat and that we can get strength from each other.

Like you, I sometimes wonder if my behaviour is backfiring as opposed to moving things forward. Like you, I feel v anxious at times (well, most of the time!).

I have to say though that overall I feel that you're doing great and I feel lots of admiration for you.

I look forward to hearing more from you. What did you say that you wish you hadn't? I'm dying to say, "Whatever!", the next time my h gives some stupid account of his whereabouts. I know that won't help though.

Good luck,
Wendy

[MKB23]

Basically I just said, I think he is over there with his head up his A. lol It was childish but I did feel a little better. I'm 100% certain that it was repeated. Ugh.

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now. I did want to tell you that after I started reading that Dobson book, I really do think in my case I have a respect problem. I also think that this is likely more common with women. Basically, just that I had convinced myself that H would or wouldn't like something and I always knew how he would react that in the process I really did lose myself. Therefor, every single time I gave in or did something differently not because I wanted to but because I thought that was what "he would want" that I disrespected myself and made it okay for him to disrespect me as well. If that made any sense? Now though, it does me no good to just figure it out I have to follow through. Put my money where my mouth is so to speak. Me and my mouth. But seriously, it's time to put up AND shut up! lol I have to let go and give it to God cause otherwise it is going to kill me.

[MKB23]

I wanted to post this just because it is late and I really have no one else to tell at the moment. I would love to tell H but that is out of the question for the obvious reason and I have no idea how to even say it. I know I have finally figured out at least part of what is going on with my H.

I was reading some of the MLC threads. I am confident that is what is going on. We (H and I) have gone back and forth over his feelings about his parents for some time now. As I said earlier, he has severe depression. I have known all along that it had to do with his parents. Basically they D when he was 13 and at that time he went to live with his aunt. I knew all of this obviously. His aunt died a year ago. Not sure if I said that before. Anyway, so there were conversations between us about this and his feelings. Although in truth he never really shared his feelings. It always seemed to just come out as anger. We have been dealing with this for several years now. He has had several periods where he will ignore and not speak with both his mother and father. At one point about 2 months ago, I was so frustrated with him and the depression. Seriously, it was constant stress and there was a real fear that he was going to commit suicide. I told him that at some point he needs to let that anger go so he can go on with his life. I also said something to the effect of at least it wasn't like you were in physical danger or something similar.I just was trying to say anything that might help him move on. I wasn't really listening to how he feels so much. I really can't remember the exact words. Anyway, later when everything started to blow up he kept saying I didn't listen to him and I don't hear what he is actually saying. I think because I take everything literally much of the time but what I wasn't hearing was him saying that he felt abandoned. Really. And has for all this time. What I heard was colored by my own experiences and I would have been happy to just be assured of my physical safety. I never once thought of how he must have felt to just be abandoned. Now his one person that took him in and made him feel at home is dead too. I am just beside myself thinking of how I completely discounted his feelings. He came to me and tried to tell me but I wasn't listening with my heart. As soon as I thought of this, I really know deep inside myself that this is what is going on. That moment of selfishness and just being clueless is what has triggered all of this. He came to me several times after that, always he has been unable to articulate his feelings or maybe just was ashamed or embarrassed but each time I reacted similarly. He keeps saying he feels nothing any more and while i know that is not true he has also said he cannot have a relationship with me that exposes him any more and I am sure that IS the truth. How would anyone feel that put that out there and then got completely disregarded by the one person that was supposed to support you? I just hate myself at the moment. I should have known this and seen it coming. Somehow, I didn't. It wasn't even until I was reading about abandonment issues for other reasons that it all really clicked for me. I can't say that I blame him for how he feels about me at this moment. I also can't say I would blame him for getting a D. That is huge Or it would be for me.
I know I need to apologize and acknowledge all of this to him but I do not have a clue how I should go about it.

[mamabird]

MKB,
I have been following your sitch. My H also has pretty significant abandonment issues. His mom left the family when he was an early teen. He kind of buried the whole thing and it came out again when I got breast cancer 6 years ago. Actually, it came out when I was recovering. My H really withdrew and my response to that was to start an EA in my head, which just made it about a million times worse for my H. Not great coping mechanisms for either one of us.

You are right about the deep pain he feels. It's really a primal pain and if he hasn't gone to therapy or tried to work through it, he will be carrying that around forever. I think you came upon some good insight and if you go to him with that in a gentle way (at the right time) you may make some headway. My H never really shared his feelings about abandonment with me so we couldn't work through it together. One time (after this initial event) he cried and I held him and that was it.

He's probably afraid of losing you too, and if he senses that you want to leave, he'll probably try to do it first so he can't be abandoned again.

[MKB23]

So H came over today. It was interesting. He pretty much stayed all day long. While he was here he did some of his laundry and got the stove out of the little house on the other side of our property. Which was most definitely self serving. However, he also, changed my spark plugs and wires. Made the trip to pick them up from the auto place. Hung out with the kids and even stayed for dinner with them. That was good. All in all he was pretty nice to me and even called me honey and baby 8-o. Everything was definitely geared toward his maintaining a separate residence. That's okay though. We didn't have any R talk. None. The kids were wild. I don't know if it's the stress or what but really it was bad. Which in turn had my stress level way way way up. I managed to maintain fairly well. No anger or screaming. I am definitely a screamer. My very worst habit. Anyway, so we talked about different things. People we know that we have heard from and just random stuff. It wasn't great, wasn't terrible. Enjoyed him being here with them and told him that. Offered to help him with whatever he needs to move even though secretly I would like to burn that place down. Not really. but kinda.lol I even offered towels and pans. I think today was a big step in being less confrontational with each other so that is step 1. I did get upset at the kids. I went outside and sort of stomped off. Didn't realize it was stomping but I needed distance between the kids and myself. Just so happened he was outside in front of the house on the phone and I sort of passed him. He came right down there to see what was the matter and was worried I was mad at him. I found this to be weird. I was upset but not with him and told him that. He seemed better but even said- Oh I thought you were upset with me. So here I am. He said specifically I will see you Tuesday and I am confused again. I also caught him looking at me a couple of times and he just seemed a little different. I am not upset or anything so that is good. To be honest though, my kids are killing me. Their behavior is sucking. Really. I am trying to make some concessions but at the same time, I can't allow them to run wild. Ugh.

Has anyone here (LBS spouse) ever wondered if they were being DB'ed back?
I'm wondering. Seriously. I read back over my old thread and I had forgotten he read the book. Maybe I am wrong. Just some coincidences. I dunno. That probably sounds dumb. It could just be that he is so detached naturally. lol Probably wishful thinking on my part. At least then that would mean he wanted to put this back together.

[MKB23]

Something I forgot to mention that I am wondering about-- When H was changing my things in the car he did ask if I had checked the oil. I responded that isn't that a guy thing? He said well you need to find a guy to do it. I responded with, "why do you always say things like that?" Basically he has a history of being very very jealous. In fact, a sure fire way to get his attention is for someone else to pay attention to me. To be honest, I would never use that against him but it is what it is. Do you think that was him feeling me out? Like wondering if I was talking to someone else? In the past, he has accused me of cheating or asked if I was talking to someone online that sort of thing. I never have and have been very honest and forthright about it. Our relationship has been so hard for so long that the thought of even dealing with another one just makes my head spin. I seriously don't think my sanity could stand it.


One other issue I have is that sometimes I read these threads and get so suspicious about him having OW. I really do not believe he is seeing anyone. There are several things that make me think that. Just like his leaving his phone sitting here all day long. I even answered it. He has no problems with that. There are lots of things but honestly, I don't know and I have enough of a trust issue as far as he is concerned to say that it could be. Although, at this point, I don't know why he would continue to lie. So sometimes, in some ways, I think that aspect of this forum is not great. It really does cause me to have doubts when otherwise, I don't have many. Anyone else felt that way?

[MKB23]

Just journaling- Weird. He came by again today. Right about time for the kids to get off the bus. They have to walk and it is rainy so he asked if he could go get them. He had also left his phone charger here.
Of course, I have no problem with that. It's weird though, he will ask my permission for stuff. Like I will be here tomorrow if that is okay with you. It puts me off balance. He almost makes it feel like I am the one who did the leaving. He tells me what he is doing and asks me questions. It's just odd. I still sometimes wonder if he is DB'ing me.

Then he hung out for a few minutes and not long after he left I actually did have to call him for my son. There was a mishap with a guitar and neither of us knew how to clean it best without damaging it. When I called he was all out of sorts. I could tell he was very angry. Not at me, but apparently he had cut his hand and a couple of other things were happening. I hate to say it, but natural consequences.

I did ask if there was anything I could do or help with. Including if he needed to go get stitches. He told me no. So that was just a brief update. I'm so confused. Could I be a WAW that stayed and he left to DB me? I have no idea. I swear some of the stuff he is doing is classic DB though.

He seems to be finding excuses to come around and he is seeking me out and talking to me. It's just weird ish. He never talked to me before. It was like pulling teeth. Of course, I pretty much quit trying though too.

So that's all I know at the moment. It is a cold and dreary day here. Kids want Chinese as usual. I think they are turning Chinese. lol Even S said earlier we should get frequent shopper discounts. lol

Hope everyone is well here.

[MKB23]

Journaling a bit- Nothing much to report. Today is Tuesday so that means he will stay here tonight with the kids while I go for school. Normally, I cook dinner and everything. I have decided not to do that this time. He can decide what they would like and cook. I really just don't have time today. There are several options in there for them. I reread much of DR again last night. I have read it so many times it is curling up and in bad shape. It was interesting though- last time I had written my goals in the back of the book. So it was weird to look back on them and compare them to today. I also rewrote my goals so they weren't so vague. Going to continue doing what I am doing. It seems to be working. I think. Who knows really. It is agonizingly slow. Would be nice to have some sort of idea what is going through his head but I don't dare ask. I suppose I will just use the positive interactions as reinforcement. My anxiety is still up there pretty high. I guess that is just part of it and I need to accept it and try to deal with it anyway. I keep feeling like something is about to happen. I know that sounds weird. I can't explain it. Otherwise, things are pretty good. GAL ing. For me, I pretty much had a full life away with school and everything. So not sure what else I can do really. Although, I am taking more care with my appearance and trying to lose some weight. 12 pounds gone! Yay! I haven't been getting the physical exercise I need to. Perhaps that will be my next thing. Give me an outlet for all this anxiety. I feel like I could run a marathon at this point. Just really can't sit still. So I dunno. Hope all is well here. I'm keeping on, keeping on. Act as if. Truth be told-still faking it. Sigh.

[AnotherStander]

I did ask if there was anything I could do or help with. Including if he needed to go get stitches. He told me no. So that was just a brief update. I'm so confused. Could I be a WAW that stayed and he left to DB me? I have no idea. I swear some of the stuff he is doing is classic DB though.

He seems to be finding excuses to come around and he is seeking me out and talking to me. It's just weird ish. He never talked to me before. It was like pulling teeth. Of course, I pretty much quit trying though too.

No, it sounds to me like your DBing is starting to take root! It sounds like he's doing a little pursuing. Just be careful not to over-respond to it because he'll go right back to distancing. Just keep up with the detaching and let him set the pace.

It seems to be working. I think. Who knows really. It is agonizingly slow.

It is slow, patience is key (and I have very little of it!)

Would be nice to have some sort of idea what is going through his head but I don't dare ask. I suppose I will just use the positive interactions as reinforcement.

Absolutely! Celebrate the baby steps quietly to yourself. Use them to keep you going!

I keep feeling like something is about to happen. I know that sounds weird.

I never discount a woman's intuition!

12 pounds gone! Yay! I haven't been getting the physical exercise I need to. Perhaps that will be my next thing. Give me an outlet for all this anxiety.

Congrats! And a definite 'yes' on the exercise, it's an amazing outlet for anxiety. I've thrown myself deep into weight-lifting again since BD and it's worked wonders on my anxiety. I sleep a lot better too!

Act as if. Truth be told-still faking it. Sigh

That's why it's called "acting" as if It's all about faking it, looking like you're content, happy and satisfied with life when inside you're really hurting.