I've decided to start a new thread for a couple reasons: First, my last thread is getting perilously close to closing, and second because I feel this coming week (and my preparations for it) needs to stand on its own.
My Previous Thread, which you can follow all the way back to the beginning of the sitch if you're so inclined:
So if you've been following along, you may remember that this Friday, I'll be seeing my wife for the first time in 4 months when she comes back down to "Our Home" to pack as much of her stuff as she can fit into two SUVs and head back to her new home a few hundred miles away.
This weekend is also the opportunity I've needed to have a conversation with W about our R, mostly about how although I'm fighting for our M every single day, I can't continue to be a part of her life so long as OM is in the picture. As you can no doubt tell, this is extremely nerve-wracking for me... Not only to have this long-overdue conversation, but in weighing out the ramifications of said conversation.
I've spent the better part of the last week nervous as hell about this. I'm trying to rehearse my "speech" over and over again, trying to figure out the timing of when to give it (as she's asked me to help her pack on Friday before her room mate comes down on Saturday) and exactly how I'm going to prepare for this whole thing.
I realize that no matter the level of prep I put in, I'm not going to get to a point that I'm completely comfortable. I won't be able to script out much of the conversation at all, as this whole situation is awfully fluid... As a matter of fact, the more I prepare for "the conversation" by going over what I'm going to say, the more nervous I get... Knowing that I can only rehearse this in a vacuum, and I can't predict what her reactions are going to be, what her questions will be, or how this will go down at all.
So my biggest goal for this week is this: I need to work extremely hard on keeping a positive mental attitude and prepare to act "As If" this weekend.
I know that I'm in a very unique situation here, and I need to look at the positives. I'm getting a chance that many people in my situation don't get... After 4 months of me working on me, both physically and mentally, I am going to get a chance to interact with my W while we're under the same roof. While many of my physical changes will be evident right away, I've also been given the theater that my wife may be able to notice the mental changes that have occurred as well. If she doesn't, well then she doesn't, but at the very least I'll be proud on Sunday that my changes are for real and lasting, and don't wilt under the stare of my W.
I've been given the opportunity to have between 12 and 24 hours to truly battle for this R. That doesn't mean I'll be begging, pleading, pursuing or caving. Not at all. But it does mean that all the work I've done over these months is going to be put to the test... One I'm confident I'll pass.
This week, I'll be focusing on acting as if this weekend is going to go well. That I'll be able to have this conversation, set my personal boundaries, show W that while I still love her and want our M to work, I won't be an option or a doormat. While I'm fighting for our M every day, I won't be fighting alone while she is with OM. And while I love her tremendously, I've learned to love myself at least as much as her, and I know that I'm worth fighting for too. Maybe one day she'll see that, and maybe she won't. But I do see that today, and my goal is for that to become more and more clear to myself with each passing day.
This Friday may be the most important battle of this war so far, so I'll work on my PMA and acting as if, and I'll realize that no matter which way this battle falls, the war isn't over until I say it is. I won't get too high or too low no matter what happens. (Well, I may get too high or too low for a little bit on these boards... but that's just me )
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