Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[nikatnight]

Zoo,

This doesn’t apply to all DB’d R/M’s by any means…but I do wonder how many it actually DOES apply to? How often does the returning WAS talk the talk but then start dragging their feet when it comes to walking the walk and how many of us LET them do it? I have a strong notion that I am guilty of just that very thing.

Sometimes I feel like I am just holding out for crumbs…that for some reason I am suppose to have this infinite amount of patience and hopefully my H will come around full circle and back up all those now “empty” solutions and assurances that he made some 4 months ago. I’m not even sure how much I believe half the BS he tells me anymore.

SO TRUE ZOO!!!

H has been home for 2 weeks after 8 month S. When I stand up for myself and say "I am done." That is when H stands up to the plate. Right now I feel that we are just going thru the motions and I analyze every little thing he does/say.

I have told him I want a GREAT M and will not accept less so we'll see what he does.

I have asked him to fill out the emotional needs questionaire from marriage builders. I need to do the same. If my needs aren't being met then I'm afraid that I will become the WAS. I do not want H to have any question as to what I NEED.

I know that I need to be patient but I also think that I need to prove to H that I was serious about wanting a GREAT M and not settling for less.

I am reading "Communication Miracles for Couples." It is an excellent read and I will try to incorporate some of the techniques. Check it out, it may help you too!!!

Zoo, if you have any ideas for me please let me know. THANKD!! nik

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

Hey Zoo,

I can understand where you are coming from in thinking about this.

I have to say, I had similar questions not so long ago.

For me, for the most part, I no longer feel like I'm sacrificing my feelings for my husband. When I do find myself feeling like I'm sacrificing too much, I take that as a sign that it's time to re-focus on making me happy.

I'm also able to address issues and he listens to me. It may not always go as well as I'd like, but more often than not, I get better and better results.

I think part of it is that we are both still adjusting to living a 'solution oriented' life. It's just now, when I bring up issues that used to be issues before, I'm able to present it in a way that he hears better. And recently, there was a time, that I didn't think he heard me, because of the way he reacted. (He fled from the conversation)...but 2 days later, he took positive action...so he did hear and understand...it just took him a bit of time.

I hope that helps.

Hugs!

[Zoo]

Hi Nik...I can't get H to read anymore self-help stuff regarding out M/R. That he read what he did of DR was a miracle in itself He is under the impression that since everything is OK in his mind then everything is OK period and no longer needs to be discussed

I wish i could offer you some solutions but right now I can't come up with much.

Hugz,
Zoo

[Zoo]

Hey PIB,

I'm not even sure that I would call it "sacrificing" myself...that was just the first word that popped out of my then angry fingers.

Actually, I'm still fairly angry, so is H right now but I'll get to that later

I'm also able to address issues and he listens to me. It may not always go as well as I'd like, but more often than not, I get better and better results.

Ah, there in lies the problem. I can no longer get H to listen to me. We were doing really well for awhile. I could voice a concern or ask a question and H would listen and give me some input. As time has gone on H isn't listening so well and seems to be under the assumption that all of my questions and concerns are because I think he is now or is going to at soem time cheat on me again. I have tried to ask my questions in a different manner (not something I'm great at and I acknowledge this), I have assured him repeatedly that I don't think he will cheat on me again...heck, I have even asked WHY he wants to make that assumption all of the time. What I get back are angry, defensive responses and H closing down and pushing me away or just him not listening at all. He is extremely adept at tuning me out and admits he does this frequently. At one time I was getting excellent results and now I just seem to be blundering everything.

I think part of it is that we are both still adjusting to living a 'solution oriented' life. It's just now, when I bring up issues that used to be issues before, I'm able to present it in a way that he hears better. And recently, there was a time, that I didn't think he heard me, because of the way he reacted. (He fled from the conversation)...but 2 days later, he took positive action...so he did hear and understand...it just took him a bit of time.

I have tried reassuring myself with this type of thought that you have stated. Maybe I am the one having most of the problems adjusting, I don't know. I admit that this is all totally new for me and I try to do things to the best of my abilities. Maybe I'm just tired and frustrated for a no real reason at all. I can't figure it out but I am doing some damage in the process of trying to

Hugz,
Zoo

[psluke]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Zoo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Zoo]

Thank you Pam

hugz bak,
Zoo

[Zoo]

Ok, I have not had a good day once again.

I totally pissed H off today. I pissed him off last night too

I lack in tact. It is something I am constantly working on and something i fail at miserably. Lat nights scenario was a direct reflection of this.

I asked H point blank if he was lying about a phone call that had come in. I was THINKING of the best way to ask about the phone call without it seeming like I was inferring anything. Unfortunately, in the process the words came out of my mouth when I was thinking them. Nothing I could do about it after they came out really. H blew up I TRIED to explain my line of thought better but H wouldn't listen. He totally tuned me out so i went upstairs and wrote out my last journal entry. When I finally came back down he seemed to have gotten over it and was fairly amenable the rest of the night...even snuggled in bed and chit-chatted.

I should explain up front that I am not one of those women who is bothered by porn. I have no problem with the occasional looky-looky and I am all for self-gratification when it is so desired. I peruse it myself occasionally as well...I figure anything that adds spice to one's sex life , within reason, is a good thing.

H has never been particularly comfortable with my openness in this matter. He has been working on it though and has gotten better and is less secretive about it. I have pretty much only asked one thing in regard to this area...if your going to do this either let me know (so I can extend the courtesy of not interupting) or let me watch

H has finally gotten to the point where he will let me watch but he fails miserably when it comes to letting me know. He gets angry if I ask if I would be "interrupting" if I come upstairs and he gets angry if I just come upstairs without asking at all. I've tried the tact of assuming there is a good possibility that he is "occupied" and not gone upstairs at all...he gets angry about this. It is almost like it is a no win situation.

I went upstairs today without even thinking of the "possibily". I was doing paperwork and needed something from up there. I apologised for the interruption and and once again told H that he should have told me of his intention and I would have waited until he was done. He said I wasn't bothering him so I sat down to see what he was looking at (curiousity ) I didn't sit there very long (personally I found what he was looking at rather boring) and in the process of getting ready to leave I apologised once again. I got an earful on that one...was told to "shut my suck" and leave it alone, he was tired of my yapping. That in turn set me off and i said "wtf, why are you yelling at me for being courteous?" He turned his stuff off and slammed downstairs saying I had ruined things and he wasn't interested now. This just continued to devolve of course.

I started spewing all the crap I've been repressing the past couple of weeks, he accused me of being paranoid, he drug in the previous nights disagreement...telling me what I should have said instead of what I did, I tried diffusing the conflict by being reasonable and calm and telling him WHAT had brought out some of my actions. i apologised for my lack of tact in regards to some questions, he told me to think first and find a better way of saying things. I told him all I do is think but even thinking didn't seem to work because he still seemed to get angry and assume I was accusing him of cheating on me again (this seems to be a major failing point of many of our conversations). I ASSURED him that my questions had nothing to do with that crap, that I was comfortable that he would keep his word in this area for the most part. I admitted that my reference to my dreams might make that a contrary statement but rather then ASSume that my dreams were portentious I opted to ask him about it.

THEN he started debunking my dreams...telling me they were BS and in no way could they be portentious, that NO ONE dreamed that way. I was shocked that he said this I think I actually stood there with my mouth gaping open.

Darn, I have to go...i will finish this later i guess.
Zoo

[Zoo]

Well, I had a whole post done ready to post and I hit the WRONG BUTTON!!!

I am NOT typing all that out again.

H is in a better mood tonight, at least he seemed so at supper time. He hugged me hard and he put his wedding ring back on when he got home (well..let me put it on him anyway ).

I'm just totally whiggin lately...i don't know why

hugz,
Zoo

[odga]

Darn - hitting the wrong button and loosing your entire post. - but then, if that is the worst thing that happen to you today then you could call it a good day.

Good positive though, H is in a better mood. So I guess you hit the right button with him. Keep on keeping on - or, "just keep swimming" bo borrow a phrase.

have a good day.

[KutieKat]

zoo....

thank you so much for the quick chat last night, you actually helped me with some things that were on my mind, and i am feeling much better today

hopefully i returned some of that...

we are going to make it girl, regardless of whatever outcome, we are gonna make it