Wife in MLC? I'm seeking support / guidance

[25yearsmlc]

Dear FY,

a few things, and then I'll post an article by laura munson who waited out her h's MLC.

The problem with labelling her behavior as an MLC, is that it can give false hope of eventual return, and more importantly, it frequently causes the LBSer to not work on themselves. They point at the WAS as an "MLCer" as if their spouse is nuts and they'll "try" to wait it out, which always fails.

Whereas if the LBSer does work on their own life, they find it more than tolerable. They grow and evolve into better, happier people.

At some point soon you will need to realize you CAN be happy without your w. IF she had gotten sick and died, do you believe your life would effectively end? Think about what you'd do, if she died and your grief had passed enough for you to think straight. Then what?

Get out a bucket list and begin doing things. For my birthday I went skydiving. That made the statement I wanted to make and it felt great. A few months later, I did it again with my son. What a blast!

My GAL list was lengthy. I auditioned for theater roles, and got them.
I did stand up comedy, I took classes,
I volunteered at the women's shelter, I joined a writer's group,
I learned to deep sea fish and seriously shoot,
I got my pilot's license, I worked out, and I went to counselling weekly, and it was a lot of work just to feel "ok". But then I felt better than okay. A lot better.

So keep that in mind...

RE your wife, actually I do think your w is in an MLC but it does not mean she's not also a WAW. I don't say that to alarm you but to keep you working on what YOU CAN work on, which is you.

She does sound as if she was bored (often a form of chronic mild depression) and tired of leading in the m.

Did you ever plan a vacation?

I'm glad you figured out her LLs but the fact that it took THIS, for you to learn them, well, I don't want to hit you with a 2 x 4- but that is the type of thing a h should know early in a r.

So, now you know. Figure out what other things you may have missed and undermine the negatives she has, with positive actions...

And make yourself happy. Take a trip if you want. Take ballroom dancing lessons. You do martial arts? Okay what else would YOU like to learn to do? And if you can do it away from the house, that seems better to me. Get into a fresh area out of the house. Don't be around the home all the time.


My h is presently deployed (in the Army Reserves) and I'm not waiting for him to return to have any fun. Don't misunderstand, I'm married to him and I'll continue to keep my vows and we are reconciled, etc.

I'm just saying that even with him overseas in a dangerous place, I will go nuts if I don't keep busy and happy. Plus, I have chidren to care for and to model the behavior for.

Speaking of kids, I'm glad you feel and look younger than you are.

I feel the same way although I think it's my kids who kept me young, and h is in fantastic physical shape. Our kids energize us about life (got me on Facebook too) and got me saavy enough to function socially with people under 30.

I look forward to being a grandparent so much.

FY Is it possible that one thing your w missed out on, was having kids? Have you ever considered doing foster care?

I ask this b/c it sounds to me as if she is searching for meaning in HER Life. Without kids, or an exciting professional career

most women have a hard time feeling accomplished. Just a thought.

Anyhow, I GAL and let go of my h. I had an internal timeline of 2 years b/c then my older d would be done with high school. At that point, my plan was to move on with or without h. Meanwhile I GAL big time. You can too.

I began to believe I"d be happier than he would be, but it was not a contest. (WHICH is why when you said "if I'm having fun, SHE Might do that too"...her activities are irrelevant to yours.)

Her happiness level or misery level or her activities are NOT an index of yours or relevant to yours.

If she hurts her ankle, it does not make your leg feel better. If you go out and have fun, all that means is YOU had fun. If she has fun, you cannot "therefore" be miserable.


When I "knew" that I'd be fine, regardless of our outcome--that belief really sank in and began to radiate from me. I think he noticed more than I realized. But he became the pursuer.

I would ask that YOU focus on the changes you want to make to become the best man YOU can become. IN the final analysis, she'll only come home to you if she believes the marriage can be better/different than before.

Show her that it can be, by you changing you. It's all you can do. You can't wait and hope she "wakes up" as if you played no role in things getting this way. You can't argue to her that she "really was happy" either.

Just counter the negatives with positives so she can see that either her "data" was flawed or that it's no longer true b/c you are different now.



My next post will be the one by Laura Munson, handling her h's MLC.
(this one is long enough).

Good luck!