busted affair again!

[newman7977]

Journal:

Yesterday, like any other weekends started extra focus on 180s, GAL, & detachment. Weekends are normally tougher to focus on these things because I'm with w pretty much all day.

Yesterday sat (9/28) rode my bike in the morning. We then went to funeral service. At this service, I kept my 180s by being independent. I usually follow my W's lead in any gathering but this time I was a big boy. I didn't follow her around if I didn't like to. I don't know how to explain this but at one point s13 and I ended up in a good spot (sorry didn't mean to be insensitive abou the funeral) but a good spot where I can hear the grieving H's speech. Before you know it here comes my W standing next to me, in a few more occasions my w was following me around. I say this because I feel good and for once I can make my decision--maybe I'm finally detaching?

In the afternoon I got some tickets to watch a live show, again I didn't think W would go but I did ask her once if she wanted to go and she said yes, so we all went. The show was suited for kids even for s3's age. Kids had fun and W also enjoyed the show.

We went to dinner after that--a few observations from W, pretty much all day that I would noticed she would be blanked out then try to brush it off. I think what's happening is the withdrawal from OM. It sux but what can I do? Nothing right, so every time I noticed her like that I focused more on the kids and totally just ignored her swings (I just kept thinking Newman don't let this bring you down). We got home and had a positive day overall. No R talk, no pursuit, and I really tried to detach.

Today sun (9/30): another good day, nothing really extraordinary other than consistent 180s. It was FILs bday so we took him out to eat lunch. We had a good time, s3 pretty much kept me busy, this is actually the first time in a long time my W had a peaceful lunch since s3 was just all over me. Sometimes I feel bad that my w might feel left out because s3 kept looking for me. I think I have to watch this because I don't want my w to feel left out with the kids. Is there such a thing of overdoing my 180s wih the kids? But this is really what I feel, especially knowing that my future my mean I'll only see them 50% of the time...this 180 is sincere.

I'm trying to break that wall to get to my W's emotion back (one of my goals) I think I have the recipe to slowly chip that away (by keeping the light talks with W, her work, kids). Please point it out to me if this is some kind of pursuing.

I want to get some of her emotions back before OM tries to contact her. As far as i know, Its almost a month since the last contact with OM. if it is I suspect OM is getting desperate and will try to lure my w again. It is really up to her how she would handle this. I honestly feel that she would be a fool to choose OM. And I'm hoping some of our positives will be enough to deflect OMs advances.

Anyway,I feel better, I feel good, my kids reciprocate my love. In some ways I feel complete and of course the pain of the sitch is still there but neverthe less i feel better. I hope these feelings doesn't dip down, the good thing is that I have control to handle these feelings.

Oh one more thing, for the first time since the bomb, my w actually hit me on my shoulders while we attended back to school night at s13's school last week. I was kidding around with her didn't even remember what it was but out of her laughter she hit me...that remind me back in the days when we were dating. I think I can claim this as an action base on emotion. I'll take it as a small response from my work in a month lol. Geez one month, and a hit on the shoulders...there's a LOT of work to do. But it's ok as long as I see little improvements it's worth it.

Newman