Goin' off the rails on a crazy train...

[wishing, hoping]

Just when I think I have pulled myself off the roller coaster...I did myself thinking too much again.

I cannot understand why he wants to be friends if he cannot stand being married to me? On one hand he cannot wait to get rid of me but on the other he is always asking for my help wanting directions to the kids games or help doing something around the house (that is, when he is around). And he cannot for the life of him understand why I do not want to be friends. Why would I want to be friends with someone who has lied, stolen and cheated on me? Why can't he see that? I know...why ask why? But this weekend things are getting to me. He is "over the moon" about OW and even told his lawyer AND the mediator that I was just bitter and jealous. I don't want someone who treats me badly and honestly I don't even find him attractive anymore. But I never wanted this and I find myself jealous of those people in what appear to be happy healthy marriages. I know appearances can be deceiving but that's what I want. And I guess I am angry at H for taking that away. But sometimes I wonder if that is what I really had at all? I don't know what the truth is anymore. I need to keepy head out of the crazy.

The other day we had mediation and H was all over the place! Two hours of it and I was so dizzy I could barely see straight. Maybe I am still recovering. H wanted to meet for mediation again tomorrow but I have too much work and I can't leave the office thank goodness. I don't know how much more
I can take. I feel sorry for my friends because they are constantly talking me out of the crazy. I am starting to recognize it but it is still exhausting.