Hi breakdown...you are amazing with your strength and perseverance. I am learning so much from you.
Take care breakdown ((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
So far, we've had a truly amazing weekend. Friday we had massages, went for sushi, then checked into our hotel and went to a concert. Sat morning we come home, clean the house, hang out a few hours, then go to my B's b-day party. We had a bump with the S18 doing some things he shouldn't, but W and I have been on the same page and enjoyed a solid weekend. We're struggling a bit with S18, but we'll get thru and the fact that we're on the same page is good.
I will say, trying to focus on the day, the moment, that really helps me get thru. I haven't worried about the papers...I have worried about enjoying our dinner, enjoying our concert, enjoying our time together. It's really been awesome and I truly feel blessed. I have tried to think about the moments more and more, and sometimes I'm actually overwhelmed....hoping to have more and more of that.
W was out of town for 2 days this week. She booked at the last minute, and got a king bed, which I found extremely odd (she was supposedly sharing the room with a lady from work). There was very little communication during her absence.
All in all, I really struggled with negative thoughts while she was gone. Things have been going extremely well, but all of a sudden, all my thoughts were of the negatives. This was probably my biggest test since she's been back home and while I didn't bug her, didn't accuse her, didn't really even ask her anything, I still felt crappy.
When W got home yesterday, we did sit down for a few minutes and talk about my feelings and how we both have a lot of trust issues to work on. I took a risk of rocking the boat a little here and said we really need to start making some efforts to rebuild trust, on both sides. There has been some small things, but there are also quite a few things in the other direction. To my surprise, W was very open to it, agreed, and explained and apologized for not communicating more.
W also told me that she saw OM at the convention as well as another guy that she's spent some inappropriate time with. I really wish she would have told me this was likely before she left (cause I already assumed that she would see OM there), but the fact that she opened up about it was progress.
I try not to worry about the D papers and Jan date, but sometimes it weighs on me.
With all that said, this morning W asked me if I wanted to go somewhere and watch the baseball game this afternoon, which was cool. I was kinda thinking the same thing, so I'll just reset my brain to focus on the moments and enjoy them as much as possible.
What exactly is "inappropriate time?" Is that her definition or yours?
Glad you were able to work through your fears... I think being able to communicate and resolve conflicts is most of the battle. This is especially good for you in particular, since I gather that it was not easy for you to talk to W in this kind of way in the past. I am sure she recognizes this change in you.
What is going on with your court date? I assume nothing has changed regarding that...
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
What exactly is "inappropriate time?" Is that her definition or yours?
It's in my thread...the fight that happened the day she moved out. Basically she got drunk at a lunch meeting with 2 guys she's working with and the discussion turned into some less than appropriate topics. It's my definition, but I think most people would agree that it was out of bounds.
With that said, I'm not really worried about either of those guys, but she is sensitive to how I feel/felt about the incident, so that is good in itself.
She has surprised me a couple of times in positive ways since we discussed building trust, and it's really been pretty awesome. In so many ways she seems like the woman I married again.
To top it off, the sermon at church this morning was all about forgiveness and man did that hit home. It was like our pastor was talking directly to us.
Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
What is going on with your court date? I assume nothing has changed regarding that...
Nothing new that I know of. I think that I will call this coming week and find out exactly what has happened. I was hoping that if it was a mistake, W would fix it and just let me know. But honestly, I think even if it was an error somehow, she'll leave it out there because removing it means making a decision, and I don't think she's ready to do that yet.
Still, things seem to be going really well. I mentioned before that I may start "applying some slight pressure" in terms of DBing, such as saying ILU occasionally and see how she responds.
Not much to report. We seem to be stuck in that happy limbo I've described. I'm really pretty happy for the most part. W is wanting to spend a lot of time with me and we're doing something either together or with kids almost every day. It's to the point where I want to pull back a little and focus a little on some "me" things.
We had a little bump the other day where W came home from a friend's little tipsy. I had spent a good amount of time making a nice dinner and W just came in and started chasing the kids around. At the end of the night, I felt like I'd wasted my time on dinner, as I was expecting some quiet time for the two of us and instead got the opposite (and this is how expectations get you!). The next morning, I mentioned to W that I was a little irritated about it and then I got the "Do you know why I filed for D?"
One thing she said made total sense...."I filed because I was always worried about someone else's feelings instead of my own." I think this is telling. W definitely worries about everyone else and how they feel and I think with me, she got lost in it. Finding her way back is evidently going to be a long road.
With all that said, she did say she had called the courthouse about our "pre-conference date" to find out what happened, and they told her they were sorry but she could cancel it at any time....but she did not cancel it as far as I know.
We're planning an afternoon Friday...massages and sushi and then I'm going to see if she'll go to the retrouv post session on forgiveness with me Sat, so some good things coming up. As I said earlier, if this is limbo, I'll take it!
I feel like my W and I have made great progress in our M, but she doesn't seem to actually want to do any of the heavy lifting. Day to day interactions are pretty much awesome, but we don't seem to be doing anything about the issues.
In our retrouv post session on commitment and forgiveness last week, she basically said she didn't think she could forgive me and was worried that if she did, things wouldn't change. So while it seems as though everything is great, clearly it is not.
Last night she asked me to go grab a bite to eat while the kids did the candy run and we had a pretty good time initially. At one point she starts telling me how OM bought a jaguar and his "stupid wife" wrecked it the same day. Even though a couple months ago I told her directly that I wouldn't be in a M with OM involved in it, she continues to talk to him, text him, and even better, tell me about him. She's got some business dealings with him, so some of it is reasonable, but he did some work for us and basically cost us six figures so even without her EA with him, I'm not a fan of his. Hearing about his new jag set me off and I basically told her he screwed us and pretty much everyone else he's worked for.
As you might guess, this has been a sore spot for us, and a recurring discussion that leads to no where. On one hand, I should have known better than to even venture into the discussion, but on the other, it's almost like she throws it in my face continually and I'm just supposed to grin and bear it (which I have been doing for the most part).
She didn't really say much during this point of the discussion honestly, but after I said my peace, she did tell me how much damage I just did to our relationship and how she would file for D (yes, again!). At this point I simply said fine and asked her to lower the listing price of our house (which she did, which was surprising).
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this today and I'm at a loss. The money we lost thru this process was "OUR" money. She seems to give him a pass on it. That said, she's free to have her opinion and I mine. What I don't understand is, I was bagging on OM and she got upset enough to tell me we're getting D again. Clearly I'm missing something.
- Perhaps it's the same old argument made her feel like it was the same old me?
- Maybe she felt like I was blaming her for our loss?
- Maybe she thought I was trying to force her to share my opinion?
I dunno, but I am hoping she'll be willing to tell me later this evening.
I feel a bit depressed about the whole thing honestly. I'm tired of putting up with the OM situation. I'm tired of being threatened with D every time we don't agree on something. I'm tired of feeling that my feelings don't count.
One thing I did realize is that I have a lot of resentment about this financial loss and I really need to do some forgiving so I can let go of it. I hadn't realized how tightly I was holding on to it until I spoke my mind.
Even though a couple months ago I told her directly that I wouldn't be in a M with OM involved in it, she continues to talk to him, text him, and even better, tell me about him
.