Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[Zoo]

I have a lot on my mind tonight...the other post was getting too long though so I opted to break it up. Hopefully I'm not driving everyone bonkers

JOurnaling cont.

Tonight I am beating myself up for not sticking to one of the few things that until now I have refused to budge on. I let him take his laptop to work. That might seem like no big deal to some but it is a HUGE one to me

I bought him the laptop last year for his b'day. He wanted a comp for downstairs and one he could take with him on business trips so he could stay in contact with me without the horrendous phone bills we have at those times. It would also keep him from being bored on these trips and would keep me from having to go upstairs to use the comp (he is afraid that I will seize and fall down the stairs one of these days). I decided those were all reasonable reasons to invest that kind of money in another comp so got it for him with ONE stipulation...I preferred he not take it to his regular workplace everyday for fear of it being stolen. He agreed.

Shortly after getting it he started taking it to work It was one excuse after another and he assured me that it was locked in his closet when he wasn't in his office. After him leaving it in the unlocked truck a few times I finally had it out with him and he stopped taking it for awhile. Then he started taking it with him on the nights he was "working late" along with many of our DVD's. Now you tell me, who has time to watch movies when they are supposedly so busy they are working late??

I confiscated the darn thing and took it with me to my parent's the first time I left. Ostensibly it was so I could figure out how to work with the darn thing and use it to journal on. While dinking with it I found some interesting time-stamps on a few of the programs. I found proggy's downloaded that couldn't have been done at work (no internet there at that time) and where DVD's were viewed in their entirety, not shut down and rebooted etc.

H was leaving work early and taking comp to OW to surf the internet and watch movies ( she doesn't own a DVD player). H essentually used my gift in his betrayal of me

H broke the comp...when he took it in to repair it I was once agin adamant that it not leave this house again. He agreed whole-heartedly this time and hasn't bothered with it since. Today he said he was taking it with him after supper to show a guy he works with some of the games he had on it. I swear, it seemed like he was almost DARING me to argue with him about it. I said nothing, just walked away from the discussion.

He hasn't been on his work comp at all tonight. I know this because he has his IM set up to launch when he logs on to his comp. He doesn't have the programs he uses for his work paperwork on the laptop and can't put them on there because there is no space. He has paperwork that he does at the same time every night because that is when the numbers come in (so he has told me). That time is now past I did the bad thing and went snooping and I know that H has accessed his e-mail via the internet @ an hour ago, presumably through the laptop. H said before he went back that he wouldn't be working late tonight (he even laughed when he said it), as to that I will be waiting to see.

I am struggling hard as he!! not to make ASSumptions right now. I can come up with a dozen explanations for not seeing him online...the big one being he re-configured his IM not to launch. The hard part with that one is that H just b!tched at ME for not having IM on all the time Mon. so he can contact me when he needs to rather then having to call me (I don't always answer the phone either). I have also thought that maybe he didn't log back in to IM thinking I wouldn't bother to come upstairs and get on the comp.

Interesting...H just logged on to tell me he was on his way home. He said he had been talking to that guy at work since 10:30 this evening...if he was talking then how did he access the internet?? What about doing his work...can he afford to be BS'ing with someone for over 2 hours considering what has been going on there lately??

How do I know he isn't someplace else and booted IM just long enough to placate me, assuming I would be online? I don't...I have to trust and not assume. I don't know whether to cry or scream

Damn!! I am really having a hard time not being like my mother right now!!

Zooland is looking downright inviting

Zoo

[sage]

Zoo -- I'm sorry you feel like booking a trip to Zooland. I think it's great that you're aware of what's going on for you inside -- the ASSumptions and fears. You're doing a great job of journalling all of that, processing it without involving h.

Just some positive reinforcement! What are your next steps to alleviate some of this stress on you?

Sage

[water_runs_dry]

Hi Zoo~

How did things go after H got home?

I think you have handled things well. Very good just walking away! He does sound like he was testing you and trying to pull you into an argument. Way to go to react differntly!

Hang in ther and {{{Zoo}}}

Blessings
Water

[Zoo]

Sage: Thank you for dropping by Sage and offering encouragement. I can say that it isn't pleasant in the least being self-aware...I shudder to think what a psychologist would say about some of the conversations that go on in my head At least I'm wrestling this demon on my own and not dragging H into it...not that he is aware of anyway

Water: Nothing much really happened when H came home. He seemed to be in a good mood. I did nothing regarding my assumptions, no questions, no acting pissy. I finished reading a book I had started and left H pretty much to himself the rest of the night. I figured I was safer that way

Hugz,
Zoo

[Zoo]

Journaling

Anybody tired yet of my inane rambling and lengthy posts??

I am better today then I was the past few days. My post on Pam's thread helped me with that I think. Gotta get back on the bike instead of sitting on my butt and crying about the fall.

I still can't shake the foreboding feeling I have though...it's kind of like in spite of all the good things there is something underneath it all that I can't quite put my finger on...something that just doesn't feel quite "right".

I have asked myself umpteen times if this is self-generated...something linked to my difficulty with accepting the "good". You know, that whole anticipating the other shoe to fall scenario. Nothing about that thought clicks though. I can't say "you know, that is exactly what it is going on". Instead, when I address that thought it is more like I am getting FARTHER AWAY from whatever it is that is bothering me.

I have been looking at this from the projection perspective...my fears manifesting again and latching on to the least little action of H that doesn't seem right and screaming " You see, you see....I told you so "

I have found as well that the idea of OW isn't even what really is bothering me. I have beat the hell out of this one too because that was my first thought... " this is all because you haven't totally conquered the fear of H leaving you for OW or getting involved in an A again . That whole thing fell flat on it's face once I took it out and really examined it. Which I did quite thoroughly after all of the ASSumptions I started leaping for last night. The things I associate with this line of thought (worry, apprehension, anger, etc) just aren't there in proportion to what I am feeling. That isn't to say I don't experience those things to some degree (I will probably always do that), just that the degree experienced is negligible and not what I would consider beyond the norm. Definitely not enough to keep me as spun up and on edge the way I have been.

I do intend to put this to the test this weekend of course. H is to go and meet a guy someplace to look at and possibly purchase something for his collection on Sat. I have not asked if I could go nor have I asked if H wants me to go with him. I do not say "we" when this has been discussed...I say "you". If H decides to go by himself then I will say/do nothing. If H asks me to go with him I might ( to get out of the house though if I do) I haven't really decided. Logic dictates I just stay home regardless but I hate missing an opportunity to get out and go someplace besides my parents. This is one of those "wait and see" kind of deals.

I think a lot of my focus is being drawn more towards H's state of mind and his emotions then anything else ? Not if he loves me but more "is he happy, sad, depressed, anxious, worried, angry, confident, indifferent etc"...at least those seem to be the type of questions I feel compelled to ask him. The answers I receive are usually pretty disappointing too because they are generally a direct conflict to what he is "emoting". Let me tell you, we ALL emote...those who can control it to any great degree we call ACTORS...those who tell you something the opposite of what they are emoting are 85% of the time hiding something (lying), 10% of the time avoiding the conflict they fear might arise from the truth and 5% of the time just don't care to talk about what is on their mind.

Heck...I'm loosing my train of thought now...too much whirling around going on in Zooland right now. At least it is looking more like a vacation tonight then a permanent hiatus.

Hugz,
Zoo

[KutieKat]

Anybody tired yet of my inane rambling and lengthy posts??

your kidding right? you have so much insight especially into yourself that it's a case of learning everytime i read one of your "inane" posts

i haven't been knowing what to say to you about your mother situation - what a very difficult spot to be in - to KNOW what works and what DOESN'T and for someone not to listen, ugh

kinda like a rebellous teenager

my only advice to you maybe is to give support, and unconditional love to your dad, explain to him the why's to what she is doing so that he doesn't take what she says seriously

don't let it affect him. remind him to believe only 50% of what he sees and nothing of what he hears

he is a prince that one

[Zoo]

Hi Kitti

you have so much insight especially into yourself that it's a case of learning everytime i read one of your "inane" posts

I don't know if I would necessarily refer to it as insight. I have this HUGE hang-up about honesty...and for me the best place to start with honesty is with myself. How can I expect, or rather DEMAND, honesty from others if I fail to demand it of me. Likewise, how can I deal well with the truth when given it to me by others if I can't deal with the truth about myself. The truth only hurts for a little while and for me is readily assimilated and accepted. A lie can prolong pain and is too often destructive...lies also feed upon themselves and tend to multiply until they are out of hand.

That is not to say I have never lied I take no pride when that happens and the shame I feel from it usually will drive me to the truth anyway. This makes it difficult for me to deal with people sometimes...I think too many people would rather not hear the truth (it raises too many of their own self-doubts and demons) and are uncomfortable around me To often the truths I offer to people are preferred to be viewed as "opinions"...thus most people think I am an opinionated, self-righteous, pain-in-the-a$$, b!tch. I dont' have a problem with that though...I don't have to live with those people...but I do have to live with myself

my only advice to you maybe is to give support, and unconditional love to your dad, explain to him the why's to what she is doing so that he doesn't take what she says seriously

don't let it affect him. remind him to believe only 50% of what he sees and nothing of what he hears

he is a prince that one

I wouldn't say Pops is a prince...he definitely has his own little oddities that drive me nuts as well His oddities are pretty harmless though and I've come to accept them over the years.

I do try to help him when I can and offer as much support as possible. This year at X-mas I ended up helping him get Mom's presents. When he first asked her what she wanted he made certain stipulations regarding her gifts...no jewlry (she has enough to make the Queen of England stand up and take notice), nothing "for the house"and no clothes (see the jewelry statement). When given these stipulations Mom got po'd and started pouting...said she didn't want ANYTHING then.

I could understand where he was coming from. Last year he replaced her wedding rings for x-mas, beautiful platinum band and setting with a huge honkin' diamond in it. Those rings spend more time on the kitchen counter then they do on her finger He also got her this gorgeous $$$$ diamond tennis bracelet which she has only worn once:( To be honest, she could probably open her own jewelry shop with what he has bought her over the years but instead she keeps all the good stuff locked away and wears this CHEAP junk that she picks up at the dollar store and turns her fingers green, has gotten her ears infected or just falls apart. It does nought for Pops feelings to see the good stuff he buys snubbed in favor of junk. The same goes for clothes and household stuff too He wanted her to chose something totally frivolous this time, something not practical, that she wouldn't buy for herself and that wouldn't get locked away or stuffed in a closet. She dug in her heels and kept telling him she wanted nothing

All the time she is doing this she is telling me that if he DOESN'T get her anything there will be hell to pay and that WHAT he gets her better be what she wants I found this a rather incredulous statement and of course said "well, you told him you didn't want anything so I guess you'll be happy then when you get nothing" The woman says "that I said that is beside the point, he better still get me something." (?!?!?)

So I went shopping with him and we got her exactly what she asked for and/or told ME she wanted...jewelry (diamond earrings), stuff for the house and clothes and some hand-held games I think the only thing he was able to surprise her with was a portable CD player

The one bad thing that comes from my supporting of Pops is that I constantly get accused of taking his side on everything This included his A since I didn't beat the crap out of him when I heard about it. We are also frequently accused of discluding Mom from conversations and not bothering to go to anyplace she wants to go to (restaurants, shopping etc). Sadly, we make it a POINT of trying to draw her into our conversations and asking her repeatedly where she would like to go or what she would like to do. Her answers are usually "I don't understand what you guys are talking about" and "I don't care WHERE we go...you guys choose".

Once again, it is a vicious circle

Hugz,
Zoo

[psluke]

Good Morning Zoo,

You are a very special lady and have lots on your plate!

Thank you for all the time you spend with me as well.


I AM NOT just like your mother!!!!!!!!!

{{{{{{{{{{{Zoo}}}}}}}}}}

PS I do appreciate the fact that you always tell me the truth and when I am most resistant is when I feel I'm not making myself clear. Then I get frustrated because I feel I'm getting feedback off of my unclear presentation of info.

[cycler28]

Hi Zoo,

Just wanted to stop by and give you a hug for all that you are going through.
(((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

Parents can be so tough without realizing it.

It sounds like you are holding your own though. Continue to avoid getting yourself in the middle of them as much as possible and force THEM to deal with each other.

I hope you have a good weekend.

Good for you, you seem to have a great understanding of what goes on between your mom and dad!

Make it a great day!
Trish
(cycler28)

[Zoo]

Journaling

I don’t know what this might mean but it is something that has been bugging me so I’ll just go ahead and put it out there.

When will the WAS acknowledge that the LBS has given them a gift that far surpasses anything that they may ever receive in their lives? Perhaps that is a selfish question to be asking but it is one that has been in the forefront of my mind for awhile.

The LBS goes to extraordinary lengths for the WAS. In the process they redefine the person they are, they set aside morals and principles that they hold dear, they wait an interminable amount of time and they make the choices that the WAS is too chickensh!t to do themselves. The LBS makes a number of sacrifices all in the face of HOPE…but how often does that hope truly spawn the type of R that the LBS seeks? How many LBS still keep sacrificing just to keep the WAS, that has purportedly changed their mine, in the R?

I know that once the WAS returns it is still a waiting game. The WAS still has issues to resolve much of the time and one can never guess just how long that might take to occur, or if it ever will. It’s that “if it ever will” that tends to stand out in my mind. What does the LBS do if the WAS is CONTENT to stay in that “in between” place?

Think about it; the WAS has what essentially is a NEW person in their lives, someone who has gone the extra mile to cater to the issues the WAS has/had with the R and themselves. They now have an S who gives them space and time with few questions asked. They have someone who will overlook many of their foibles and who is willing to WAIT regardless of how long it takes. Even if the LBS has empowered themselves with a life of their own are they not to some extent STILL at the whim of the WAS? Do they not still set some part of themselves aside whenever it seems as though the WAS might be getting shaky again?

Maybe I’m giving the WAS too much credit in the intelligence department but I do think that a number of them have to realize that our DB principles can just as easily be used against us as for us. In the face of their anger, displeasure or distance do we not often run back to DB 101 in order to figure out our “mistake”? Why not just say “hey…I need a little bit of space” rather then manipulate us?

This doesn’t apply to all DB’d R/M’s by any means…but I do wonder how many it actually DOES apply to? How often does the returning WAS talk the talk but then start dragging their feet when it comes to walking the walk and how many of us LET them do it? I have a strong notion that I am guilty of just that very thing.

Sometimes I feel like I am just holding out for crumbs…that for some reason I am suppose to have this infinite amount of patience and hopefully my H will come around full circle and back up all those now “empty” solutions and assurances that he made some 4 months ago. I’m not even sure how much I believe half the BS he tells me anymore.

I’m getting angry now so I better just sign off.

Zoo