Anybody tired yet of my inane rambling and lengthy posts??
I am better today then I was the past few days. My post on Pam's thread helped me with that I think. Gotta get back on the bike instead of sitting on my butt and crying about the fall.
I still can't shake the foreboding feeling I have though...it's kind of like in spite of all the good things there is something underneath it all that I can't quite put my finger on...something that just doesn't feel quite "right".
I have asked myself umpteen times if this is self-generated...something linked to my difficulty with accepting the "good". You know, that whole anticipating the other shoe to fall scenario. Nothing about that thought clicks though. I can't say "you know, that is exactly what it is going on". Instead, when I address that thought it is more like I am getting FARTHER AWAY from whatever it is that is bothering me.
I have been looking at this from the projection perspective...my fears manifesting again and latching on to the least little action of H that doesn't seem right and screaming " You see, you see....I told you so "
I have found as well that the idea of OW isn't even what really is bothering me. I have beat the hell out of this one too because that was my first thought... " this is all because you haven't totally conquered the fear of H leaving you for OW or getting involved in an A again . That whole thing fell flat on it's face once I took it out and really examined it. Which I did quite thoroughly after all of the ASSumptions I started leaping for last night. The things I associate with this line of thought (worry, apprehension, anger, etc) just aren't there in proportion to what I am feeling. That isn't to say I don't experience those things to some degree (I will probably always do that), just that the degree experienced is negligible and not what I would consider beyond the norm. Definitely not enough to keep me as spun up and on edge the way I have been.
I do intend to put this to the test this weekend of course. H is to go and meet a guy someplace to look at and possibly purchase something for his collection on Sat. I have not asked if I could go nor have I asked if H wants me to go with him. I do not say "we" when this has been discussed...I say "you". If H decides to go by himself then I will say/do nothing. If H asks me to go with him I might ( to get out of the house though if I do) I haven't really decided. Logic dictates I just stay home regardless but I hate missing an opportunity to get out and go someplace besides my parents. This is one of those "wait and see" kind of deals.
I think a lot of my focus is being drawn more towards H's state of mind and his emotions then anything else ? Not if he loves me but more "is he happy, sad, depressed, anxious, worried, angry, confident, indifferent etc"...at least those seem to be the type of questions I feel compelled to ask him. The answers I receive are usually pretty disappointing too because they are generally a direct conflict to what he is "emoting". Let me tell you, we ALL emote...those who can control it to any great degree we call ACTORS...those who tell you something the opposite of what they are emoting are 85% of the time hiding something (lying), 10% of the time avoiding the conflict they fear might arise from the truth and 5% of the time just don't care to talk about what is on their mind.
Heck...I'm loosing my train of thought now...too much whirling around going on in Zooland right now. At least it is looking more like a vacation tonight then a permanent hiatus.
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
