Zooland, The Trials and Tribulations Of...

[Zoo]

I have a lot on my mind tonight...the other post was getting too long though so I opted to break it up. Hopefully I'm not driving everyone bonkers

JOurnaling cont.

Tonight I am beating myself up for not sticking to one of the few things that until now I have refused to budge on. I let him take his laptop to work. That might seem like no big deal to some but it is a HUGE one to me

I bought him the laptop last year for his b'day. He wanted a comp for downstairs and one he could take with him on business trips so he could stay in contact with me without the horrendous phone bills we have at those times. It would also keep him from being bored on these trips and would keep me from having to go upstairs to use the comp (he is afraid that I will seize and fall down the stairs one of these days). I decided those were all reasonable reasons to invest that kind of money in another comp so got it for him with ONE stipulation...I preferred he not take it to his regular workplace everyday for fear of it being stolen. He agreed.

Shortly after getting it he started taking it to work It was one excuse after another and he assured me that it was locked in his closet when he wasn't in his office. After him leaving it in the unlocked truck a few times I finally had it out with him and he stopped taking it for awhile. Then he started taking it with him on the nights he was "working late" along with many of our DVD's. Now you tell me, who has time to watch movies when they are supposedly so busy they are working late??

I confiscated the darn thing and took it with me to my parent's the first time I left. Ostensibly it was so I could figure out how to work with the darn thing and use it to journal on. While dinking with it I found some interesting time-stamps on a few of the programs. I found proggy's downloaded that couldn't have been done at work (no internet there at that time) and where DVD's were viewed in their entirety, not shut down and rebooted etc.

H was leaving work early and taking comp to OW to surf the internet and watch movies ( she doesn't own a DVD player). H essentually used my gift in his betrayal of me

H broke the comp...when he took it in to repair it I was once agin adamant that it not leave this house again. He agreed whole-heartedly this time and hasn't bothered with it since. Today he said he was taking it with him after supper to show a guy he works with some of the games he had on it. I swear, it seemed like he was almost DARING me to argue with him about it. I said nothing, just walked away from the discussion.

He hasn't been on his work comp at all tonight. I know this because he has his IM set up to launch when he logs on to his comp. He doesn't have the programs he uses for his work paperwork on the laptop and can't put them on there because there is no space. He has paperwork that he does at the same time every night because that is when the numbers come in (so he has told me). That time is now past I did the bad thing and went snooping and I know that H has accessed his e-mail via the internet @ an hour ago, presumably through the laptop. H said before he went back that he wouldn't be working late tonight (he even laughed when he said it), as to that I will be waiting to see.

I am struggling hard as he!! not to make ASSumptions right now. I can come up with a dozen explanations for not seeing him online...the big one being he re-configured his IM not to launch. The hard part with that one is that H just b!tched at ME for not having IM on all the time Mon. so he can contact me when he needs to rather then having to call me (I don't always answer the phone either). I have also thought that maybe he didn't log back in to IM thinking I wouldn't bother to come upstairs and get on the comp.

Interesting...H just logged on to tell me he was on his way home. He said he had been talking to that guy at work since 10:30 this evening...if he was talking then how did he access the internet?? What about doing his work...can he afford to be BS'ing with someone for over 2 hours considering what has been going on there lately??

How do I know he isn't someplace else and booted IM just long enough to placate me, assuming I would be online? I don't...I have to trust and not assume. I don't know whether to cry or scream

Damn!! I am really having a hard time not being like my mother right now!!

Zooland is looking downright inviting

Zoo